Loneliness too much to take?

Please do t take her out of her facility to assuage your own feelings of guilt, especially now. No one is happy about this situation. She will be fine in her facility. Moving her again could confuse her even more. It’s difficult, I know. But she’s better off where she is.

I agree with leaving her there, hard as it feels. Is the admin providing a go-to person for FaceTime or Skype chats? We just had one today with my MIL as she has been locked down in her LTCF. She has short-term memory loss and isn't ambulatory. She was weepy once or twice, which is totally understandable, but she was very happy to see our faces and hear our voices. Sending your mom cards or arranging to stand outside her facility where she can see you from the outside may cheer her up.

No, don't bring her home. Leave her there. She will adjust. She seems to have depression no matter where she goes. She didn't get out of bed at your house. This social distancing won't be forever. Alot of people are lonely because of the social distancing. She will adjust. Have her stay put.

You moved mother OUT of your house because she wasn't happy .........and now you're 'feeling guilty' for moving her to where she IS happy and wondering if you should move her back in with you where you were 'exhausted' and she was 'extremely needy.' Re-read that sentence a few times and then you'll get a clearer picture about what NOT to do here.

Leave mother alone where she is. The entire world is suffering right now as we're all in the same boat. Feeling lonely and isolated, frightened and downright anxious all the time. My mother lives in Memory Care and I have to hear on a daily basis about her wanting to die and how it 'won't be long now' and blah blah. Which irritates the living hell out of me because I am suffering TOO, not just YOU mother! Again, we're all in the same boat, some just have better coping mechanisms in place to deal with their emotions and/or some discomfort and imperfections in general.

You can't fix this, my friend, no matter WHAT you do. Only time and science can help us all through this. Once a vaccine is produced, and/or medications to treat the symptoms, THEN we can all breathe a bit easier. In the meantime, we're all doing the best we can, your mother and my mother included.

Wishing you all the best

She is safe, well fed and protected from the virus. That’s what your head should tell you. Your heart is another matter. God bless you as you try to release your guilt and know that you are doing the best you can.

Wow..exactly what is happening to us.. we are having another MD consult via telephone on Thursday to decide if we should move her to Assisted Living. She has lost 10# . She also loved it there 8 weeks ago when she moved in...bright cheery meals and new friends..but now Covid lockdown has worsened her depression/anxiety {meds nor working well} and has weight loss due to loneliness. She is making some unsafe decisions also. We have nowhere to move her but to assisted living which may compound the current problems..I understand the guilt. I feel it also...so sorry!

The loneliness factor is difficult, but it does not justify your bringing your mother back into your home. Her being in your home would again disrupt your life and would expose her to more opportunities for virus infection as members of the household go in and out of the house.

Hi ebmick1973,

I'm in a similar situation. Mum is 87, in assisted living. I've been her caregiver and almost sole social contact for about 8 years, as her mixed dementia has increased.

I've been concerned about the isolation pushing her into delirium; she's had that a couple of times and it's hard to shake. (Starting an antipsychotic, Respiradol, was life-changing for us 7 months ago...still working well.) So my good old mum's personality is back, but there's still a lot of strain, as you know so well, of keeping her 'afloat.'

Don't consider taking her home. Many of us have tried to know the 'best' action, but excessive self sacrifice is really not the right way. Who knows when it would be appropriate to return her to assisted living? A year? Her place will be gone by then. And you'll feel guilty at the decision. Medical oversight and infection control are probably better in her facility than your home. It sounds like you're young and working. . . you really can't manage this.

I think our elders are well supported by news-y telephone calls. (Calling my mum once or twice a day really helps her. She doesn't want to end the calls though, which go on and on in circles till I abruptly sign off after 25 or 35 minutes, by which time I usually feel scrambly-jangly-frustrated. Not sure what it is, but I know those calls are really NOT good for me!)

So I'm going to suggest something else . . . can you hire a person or two to call your mum once or twice a day? Even a student. Send her a photo of them, a little informal 'bio', and let her get to know them and look forward to their calls. So many things can entertain her and give her the contact she needs... the weather, what they've seen out the window, singing favourite music together, how they're considering learning to make face masks, whether she used to sew, what the prettiest flowers are for spring planters, mom's family stories, etc . . .

For what it's worth, I wrote myself a personal manifesto to reinforce the right balance between supporting mum, and surviving intact myself. Some of it follows. Hope it helps.
"Remember, I CAN'T solve her problem.  It's insoluble. Her brain is broken. MY life must be my priority, every day. She's had hers. Mental and emotional serenity and physical health are the important priorities for me. Self-care (healthy diet, exercise, & pleasures) are the ways to get there. My family should see me enjoying life."

Similiar thoughts have run through my head. But I have to go back and remember why I inisted that my mom go to AL in the first place, which was, she needed much more care than I could provide, was a terrible fall risk, stubborn and in coginitve decline. Even after she moved to AL there were always a million little things she has wanted me to come over and do for her...get something off a shelf, take her used Depends down the hall to the trash room ( she wants no one to know- of course she's the ONLY one in a facility of 200+ people using Depends...sigh). But I wanted her to feel she had some dignity and privacy so I did it and so many more things. She didn't want to be a pest she said, to the CNAs that work for, so being a pest to me, which she actually, wasn't but the logic makes me laugh, was fine. It was mildly annoying but the respite of having her there was a profound reliefe to me. I started to get a little bit of my life back. Prior to going to AL she was in independent living, which was a laugh because I did her laundry, houswork, shopping, transporting to all doctor's appointments, cooked quite a few meals and left for her.

But since Covid reared it's ugly head, her facility has been on no visitors since March 12 and now is going to go until at least April 30th. She still tells me about all the things she can't do and needs me to do, like change the batteries in her remote, change batteries in her alarm clock, open packaging ( I'm with her on that, I don't understand the sadists that package things these days- I have to cuss and struggle with a lot of it myself) . I hear the decline, she calls multiple times daily for the same things over and over, all of which I am powerless to assist with. I have been a work at home employee for some years, but all these calls are putting a real dent in my productivity , fortunately my employer is understanding.

So ther other day I though, well I should just take her out of there and bring her here to my house. Brilliant! I have a not so handicapped friendly house, 3 crazy dogs and I work at home. Also a husband with COPD, vulnerable to this wicked thing so we're keeping him in a bubble the best we can. But I had to think, what if I get it? What if he gets it? I could not provide care for her then, so she is best off where she is, unhappy though she may be. She has a roof over her head, three meals a day and people who check on her frequently. Her spiritual needs are met somewhat, by closed circuit tv.

I'm not big on giving advice but it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and if you are in the process of becoming an NP, we NEED you!! So she is probably best off where she is. Take care my dear , we will all get through this somehow.

My 98 yr old mother just went through a 2 week lockdown during Christmas for Norovirus, so she isn't happy about this repeated situation. One thing in her favor is that she's still able to have meals in the dining room (1 person at each table) of her ALF. We talk on Facetime almost daily for a few minutes, which seems to help. Just before the lockdown, I brought her a bakery fresh apple fritter twice a week. Now that's all she talks about. Those apple fritters and how delicious they were. She has short term memory, but that fritter is burned into her brain. When I ask if there's anything she needs, her first words are, "How 'bout one of those fritters." We have a good laugh about it. I pray she'll survive this virus and once again enjoy her apple fritter.