How to approach my sick mother if I feel she is abusing me emotionally and mentally?

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calilove89 Asked April 2020

How to approach my sick mother if I feel she is abusing me emotionally and mentally?

I'm a 30 years old immigrant living in South Cali , since I came here to us the next day my mom had a stroke she was in intensive care then in a wheelchair now a walker but she can be indepent, few months later that my mom got the struck I met a guy who introduced me to drugs , but I never stop taking care of my mother, I used to leave to do my thing, and come to cook and do everything and hear her complaints so I was coping my pain wiht meth in consequense of my drugs use I start having really sick relationships , and getting in trouble , like that was for about 4 years . All this emotional pain and struggle have me start a procces what I called spiritual awakining , and I realize that I need help so I went to rehab on agust 2018 also I went psycology , therapists ,psychiatric, life coaches I read books , I went school having my busniss degree this year , also I help my brother in guatemla sending boxes of etems to sell ther so they can live better and is so estreesfull

I feel like I'm other person , now I see how my mother are refusing to change in order to be better but she is not wheeling to do the work she closed her mind on her old way of thinking so she not only bit hear self up but affect me, I have relapsed 3 times since I went to rehab , I feel like she and my brothers abusing of my kindnes , well im leting them do it, but I dono not how to do it diferent , I feel bad for hear , but she is not willing to change or atlest accept others oppinion . I'm afraid to leave if I cant hold a job , I have 3 year working from home as a web designer , and I help people to publish books , plus I get paid taking care of her. From this point I have not friends because since I came I start using drugs , and I'm not willing to go back .

Abusive Relationship Care Decisions Family Caregiver

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score 2 · Answer 1

thank you so much to all !!! it feels like i left a bag of bunch of rocks in the way.

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score 0 · Answer 2

and actually im a male , lol

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score 0 · Answer 3

calilover - I'm glad to see you're feeling confident and positive. You have gone through something very difficult and it makes you stronger. Your life has value, you have value. You have a future as good as you want to make it. It's hard but it will be worth it. Take one baby step at a time.

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that part !! its hard to be patient

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score 1 · Answer 4

Needhelpwithmom, I can’t imagine everything you have been through. You are such a strong woman. Therapy is a life changer. I am in therapy now too and it helps so much! You did everything you could for your brother. You are so strong!! I have addictions in my family and my husbands family but nobody has died from the addiction. But I have friends who their loved one did die. A few of them had kids who were only in their 20’s that died. Addiction is horrible!! Addiction doesn’t care about your race, if you are rich or poor, if you are young or old, if you are male or female. It can happen to anyone. Don’t ever be ashamed or embarrassed. You have come a long way and you have helped so many people along the way. You truly are an inspiration!

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score 1 · Answer 5

Thank you for sharing Needhelpwithmom. I am so sorry about your brother. I will cherish my brother, thank you. You are helping so many people by sharing your story with others. Thank you.

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You know, Elaine. It is hard to lose someone to drugs. I felt strange as a kid because I was too little to understand it, later on I felt shame and embarrassment because I just knew that my brother was different and there were no support groups for families to go.

I didn’t understand any of it. How could I have understood about the complexity of addiction? I didn’t know about peer pressure and how my brother would cave when his friend asked him to try drugs with him.

Later still, I ended up caring for him, because in spite of it all, I loved him as a brother, then having to step away because he refused rehab.

I was always afraid of being arrested being around him. I had a husband and children, mom and dad to look after, a job, volunteer work, finally becoming a full time caregiver to mom.

I had to stop caring for him. I had the chance to say my goodbyes and to forgive. I am so grateful for that.

I watched him overdose as a young kid on up but my biggest fear was one day he wouldn’t be revived and die in front of me or that I would just find him dead.

At least I saw him die in the end of life hospice facility. There was no HepC cure yet.

Maybe my silver lining is that through therapy I understand a whole lot more and chose to let go of hard feelings for my brother and I do have enormous compassion for those who suffer with addiction.

Thanks for your kind words. They make me feel better. You are a lovely woman.

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score 2 · Answer 6

Calilove,

Most people relapse, especially under a great deal of stress. I will not judge you. I do not want you to feel shame. I am so proud of you for reaching out. That is a big step.

I have supported friends that got caught up in drugs. I have friends that I have seen come out on the other end. They made it and so can you.

Everyone has made bad choices about one thing or another in their lives. Yours happens to be drugs. You can beat this. It’s not easy. But you can if you do what you need to do for you.

I am telling you that you have to eliminate anything, including people who will cause you to use again.

I realize these are not normal times and there are no group meetings at this time due to social distancing but there are online groups. Can you find one? Tell me your city and I will look it up for you if you need me to.

I lost a brother to drugs. He died several years ago. I don’t have to lecture you about drugs. You know the damage it causes but look how you fought to overcome. Fight now. Fight with all your might.

Drugs became an escape for you not to feel pain. Some people drink. Some people are shopaholics, some develop eating disorders and so on. You are not a bad person.

You did rehab. You know the 12 steps. Find your higher power. Do you have a sponsor? Call them every single day if you have to.

Have you forgiven yourself? That is important to do. Do not self abuse. I watched my brother self abuse because he felt unworthy. I beg you not to repeat what he did. You are worthy. Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t.

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hi , thank you for your answear , yes i went tru that process well i got stock here , but i think is because im aware of things that i wasnt before thats why i realized that i have been emotional abused , it took me about 4 years to really find out who i am for real , and who i want to be , whit my own believes i think i have, or still on it to forgive my self and accept me how i am whit no judge and im still learning to love myself and actually sometimes the old me come back whit oll the negative side and things like that , but now i understand and a change is a process and not a event , and here i cant not keep growing. but still feeling sad , it brake my heart to see how my mother is victim of hear narrow mind , has been 11 year since her stroke and hear proces has been so slow , i believe i may be wrong but she hide thoughts even to her psychology i guess because the didn't find nothing on hear , its like she is not whiling to do the work to heal, she is super religious and she is waiting for a miracle or a pill.you dont know how many alternatives i have teach hear to stop worrying and to be aware of the thoughts she has in order to find peace but she want to watch the news and people who tal about diseases and tragedies and i try to dont alowed to pull me but sometimes its imposible and she is not willing to do what think will help , what i :( thank you for listening .

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score 1 · Answer 7

Let her type any way she wants. My mothers doctor writes back to me in caps. I don’t think she is shouting at me, just typing in caps so I can see what she is typing.

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Thank you, Elaine for your sensitivity. Means a lot to me. It’s hard losing people to drugs like many of us have. Addicts are people who are vulnerable and need support, not harsh judgment. One day at a time. They just have to make it to the next day, then the next and next.

Cherish your brother, Elaine. You are blessed. I lost mine. You may not believe this because he was an addict but he was the most kind of my brothers. He was lost. Long story. I shouldn’t dump my past issues with him on you. Sorry.

I miss him. In spite of the pain. I miss him. I don’t expect everyone to understand. Families can become so complicated.

(1)

score 2 · Answer 8

calilover- please do NOT go back to drugs for any reason. You're only harming yourself.

What is the reason you can't hold a job? Drugs? or something else? You're in a very unhealthy situation. It seems to me it is best that you move out. You will need a stable job before you move out. So, start looking at employment ads and sending out resumes.

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i just realized that i really need to move out , i'm willing to go in to a shelter if its necessary , and the reason way i said i its hard for me to hold a job its because when i was in my addiction i used to leave all my jobs because my addiction , i used to fell asleep because not sleep for days ets , and that situation forced me to find way to make money to pay my addiction and my basic needs illegal and legal, something that im not proud of but not ashamed anymore , so now that im clean and sober and i'm going to school , i dunno if its good or bad but i dont believe sale my time for a boos or work for just surviving its not living , and i'm not talking about money . now i believe that i can contribute the world doing what i like accord my experiences , and help someone may be not get rich but i will feel that i'm doing my purpose so at this moment im a web designer and i just start a blog where my focus is the mental illness , so i can help using my painful experiences to help them and at the same time helping myself but from this point definitely i will get a part time anywhere while i get something better.

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score 0 · Answer 9

You dont approach her if shes abusive, you leave her to her fate.

Turn off your Caps Lock please, no need to shout.

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How to approach my sick mother if I feel she is abusing me emotionally and mentally?

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