Not being able to visit my 93 year old mother is killing me. I cannot take this. Help!
She is in rehab. Soon needs to go to nursing home. She is very upset and thinks I should take her home. I cannot stand this heartache. I cannot take her home. Her needs are too great.
You’ve had lots of sympathy, so I’ll make the other comment. No, this is not killing you. Yes you can stand it, and you can take it. Everyone else does, and so do you. If there is ‘no talking to her’, then don’t do it. Complaining to you is probably making her feel worse, not better. Leave her to work out that this is what it is, and she isn’t going to be rescued by making you feel worse. Block the number and wait for a few days to let both of you face the situation the best way you can. Tough love for both of you!
Could you have a video visit with her via Skype or Facetime? Another idea I read about today was that a son missed his mom so much that he decided to volunteer at her LTC residence.
Is there any way that hospice could help? Based on her age and if you can't stand for her to be in nursing home right now, maybe they could evaluate and get her on their list.
im going through the same thing. I will feel horrible sadness and guilt. I’m all my mom has but I can’t care for her. I think sometimes in our minds we see them as they were, young loving moms, not as they are now. It’s so hard to separate the two. Haven’t seen my mom in a month. I just want to hug her. She tested positive but thankfully she’s doing great and did not have to be hospitalized. You are not alone in your sadness. I wish we all lived near each other. We could have a support group. Well except right now
That would be great. A support group ... where we could have meetings together. Except as you say together is not allowed. I just spoke to my mother. It takes me an hour to recover from our conversations. She blames me. She is angry with me. She just wants me to take her home. Not to my home to her home. An impossible situation. take care
Lots of telehealth counselors are working with people having a difficult time. Call your health insurance company. They may have a telehealth counseling service available at little or no cost to you.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has lots of resources including online discussion groups. You are NOT alone!!! Free Support 24/7 Text NAMI to 741741
I wish NAMI would change its name to NAMW, changing "illness" to "wellness".
It's sad, but there is nothing either of you can do about the situation right now. Don't say it's 'killing you'. Say that it 'is what it is' and you'll both come through it just fine. Call her as much as possible, set up Face Time sessions if possible, and let her know that this too shall pass. She's being cared for professionally right now, which is NOT something you are capable of doing, and that's why she is where she's at. I've always told both my parents that very thing when they complained about being in Assisted Living (my mother is now in Memory Care). I am simply incapable of caring for either of them in my home, which is not equipped for wheelchairs, nor am I trained or able to deal with the myriad of issues involved. My dad passed away in 2015 and mom has been in an ALF ever since, living without him, which she insisted she could 'never do', but she's BEEN doing. In reality, human beings can acclimate to almost ANYTHING and get used to it. People adjust to losing their limbs, in time, and wind up moving on with their lives! You and your mom will adjust to this situation as well.
The human spirit is pretty amazing. We will ALL get through this and we CAN persevere.
Calls with my mother are getting worse and worse everyday. I feel my own horrible guilt and she piles it on top. She said she cannot believe a daughter would “throw her mother out the window.” I told her not to say that to me because she knows how much I love her. There is no talking to her
I understand, we are going through the same thing here in So California. I want my mom home too.
One thing I told my sister from the beginning of this, whether my mom were to get sick at LTC or my sister's house, it's not her fault. It's not my fault. Its nobody's fault. This is just what is going on right now and honestly, something can happen to me, or to you.
Please try to see that. We can't control everything and that's a terrible feeling. It is. And I'm sorry. This is hard.
We are all trying to be patient and not panic. Praying you will get through this one day at a time.
It's such an impossibly hard time for elderlies, and for us caring for them.
I don't know the details of your situation so of course this might be completely wrong, but if you are able to have enough people helping you like nurses, doctors or social workers could it be worth at least trying taking her at home? I have let all helpers go because of the risks in this emergency, but after having seen what's happening in nursing homes I would rather take that risk and keep her out at the time being. For her, and also for you; I guess the way we cope with this sort of heartache depends also from the type of relationship we have with our parents, not all heartaches are fixable with counseling, they are there for a reason.
You have all my support, understanding and empathy.
I would not try to explain what needs to be done until after lockdown is over. I find that looking someone in the eye is better. In the meantime try to explain that ur sorry she is so upset but for now she needs to wait until this virus is over. Then, you can talk about what happens after that. And when you tell her she can't come home, make sure your in a quiet place sitting in front of her looking her in the eye. (yes it will be hard) Then tell her that her care is more than ur capable of doing. Remind her ur a Senior too. That she will need to stay in LTC. Good Luck.
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take care
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has lots of resources including online discussion groups. You are NOT alone!!!
Free Support 24/7
Text NAMI to 741741
I wish NAMI would change its name to NAMW, changing "illness" to "wellness".
He decided to do extensive gardening during the ‘stay in place’ restrictions, unfortunately he ran into a spot of poison oak in his yard.
He showed them his problem and the clinic called in a script and it’s clearing up nicely.
Telehealth is going to prove to be useful in lots of situations. Great suggestion!
NAMI is a good organization. Many people have taken advantage of their services.
The human spirit is pretty amazing. We will ALL get through this and we CAN persevere.
One thing I told my sister from the beginning of this, whether my mom were to get sick at LTC or my sister's house, it's not her fault. It's not my fault. Its nobody's fault. This is just what is going on right now and honestly, something can happen to me, or to you.
Please try to see that. We can't control everything and that's a terrible feeling. It is. And I'm sorry. This is hard.
We are all trying to be patient and not panic. Praying you will get through this one day at a time.
I don't know the details of your situation so of course this might be completely wrong, but if you are able to have enough people helping you like nurses, doctors or social workers could it be worth at least trying taking her at home? I have let all helpers go because of the risks in this emergency, but after having seen what's happening in nursing homes I would rather take that risk and keep her out at the time being. For her, and also for you; I guess the way we cope with this sort of heartache depends also from the type of relationship we have with our parents, not all heartaches are fixable with counseling, they are there for a reason.
You have all my support, understanding and empathy.