Mom insists on drinking coffee. It’s a laxative and she soils herself. None of my pleas make a difference. Any ideas?

Yeah well, my mother insists on drinking BOILING hot coffee, which the Memory Care ALF normally refuses to give her, for obvious reasons. She complains chronically to me about the coffee not being BOILING hot, and to them as well, so the other day, a new CNA heated her cup up in the mike, just the way she 'loves it'. Needless to say, she SPILLED the entire cup on her lap in the wheelchair, and burned her legs as a result. Now she's complaining about THAT. You can't always get what you want, isn't that what the Rolling Stones say?

Get rid of the coffee entirely if you feel that it's giving her the runs. If she's still soiling herself after not having coffee, you'll know that wasn't the culprit. Hopefully she's wearing Depends in any event. Nothing gets 'better' with dementia; it only progresses and worsens as time goes on.

Can you reduce the impact by weakening the coffee? Or the amount of coffee she drinks?

My Mom liked her coffee too but it caused the same thing. So I cut it out. Apple juice too. Sugar free candy will cause the same problem. Now we r in lockdown, its a good time to tell a little white lie. The coffee is gone and I can't get anymore. As Mom progresses, you r going to tell a few white lies.

I was the one doing the toileting and like u washing soiled clothing. Soooo, things went my way.

If your mom’s safety, welfare, and comfort are reliant upon receiving 24/7 care are you able and willing to continue providing it?

If, as her condition progresses, you decide that you and your husband cannot provide her ongoing care, what option(s) will you have?

Many if not most of us who dearly loved our dependent elderly wanted to provide round the clock care instead of residential placement, but found that over time the task becomes more and more overwhelming, then found that they were failing physically and emotionally as fast if not faster than their patient.

Does she prepare her own coffee? Does she buy it? Would she notice if you substitute decaf, or part decaf? The caffeine may or may not cause the laxative effect. Ultimately, what she do if you retells her you can’t get her brand and you have done your best, the serve the decaf as a trial

I used a live-in aide for 7 months before my mother entered a very good residential care center where she lived for 5 1/2 very comfortable, peaceful and happy years. I was appalled that I “failed” her until I realized that her life was much better for her in care as opposed to being with me. Quite a blow to my pride, but TRUE!

Your situation is a tough one. Be sure your choices are fair to you as well as to her. This is one of the situations in life that can’t always be done “right” for everyone involved.

Switch it out to decaf of the same brand/type behind her back; see if the caffeine is really the culprit. If you're the one who has to deal with the consequences, I would think you have the right to do this. She also may become dehydrated from all the liquid stool; you'd be helping her out.

Is she going every time she has a cup, multiple times a day? If it is just her morning cup of joe then the simple solution is to get her on the toilet after breakfast, or after her afternoon coffee break. And get her into an incontinence pull up.

Do you make it for her? If so, stop doing it. But coffee might not be the real problem.