Living with aged parent who will give NO privacy, nowhere is safe from her. Any thoughts?

Put a lock on your bedroom door so she can’t come barging in. I had my brother put a lock on my bedroom door when I was a child to keep my my Mother out of my bedroom when she was acting up with her nuttiness. I even pushed my bed up against the door. That will work too. My mother suffers from mental illness and I told her I wasn’t going to let her in my bedroom until she calmed down. Just put a lock on your door!!

Ugh ! That sounds like something my mom would’ve done to me in the past. You need some firm physical boundaries. Try talking with her openly, but assertively. Also lock doors, and tell her that you need more privacy. If she doesn’t respect your boundaries, I’d say leave.
Thanks for bringing this up here. It made me aware that I too need to make some boundaries for more privacy, with the lockdown we’re experiencing. I’ll bet this is an issue for many households. I’m in my 3 room apt with a partner who is normally only here now and then. A little togetherness was nice. Constant, not so nice.

You could purchase a lock or simple latch to keep whatever door closed. Her demands sound quite passive aggressive; every solution that you've offered is being denied by whatever excuse she can find.

You might want to google psychologically abusive mothers. If your life matches experiences described, then ...you'll need to vacate or endure relentless bullsh*t.
Since her described behaviors are not normal, they will likely become worse in time.

Ok. Thanks for the additional information. It sounds like she has some dementia going on, perhaps a UTI which can cause a change in personality? Any history of that?

So the plan was to get through the virus and then leave.
She has changed the rules with the open doors etc.
but for her to get away with that, don’t you have to agree to it?

I’m stubborn myself so I would probably say.

The tv is off or the door is closed. That’s that.

Or you can let her know that these are the rooms I’m going to use while I’m here helping you out. It’s not all about her.

Does anyone walk the dog? Is there another room the dog would enjoy?

I am really sorry you are caught in this. I’m staying with DH aunt during the virus. Two nights in a row Aunt has started watching tv in the wee hours.

DH and I have decided we will hide her remote if we can get it away from her before she goes to bed. We usually find it under her pillow. We laugh that the remote is her power. If we were to ask her not to turn it on so loud she wouldn’t remember. So we will try this. Next we may just unplug the tv.

Do watch some Teepa Snow on YouTube and see if you recognize your mom in some of Teepas scenarios.

Dementia can be tricky. It’s very difficult to reason with anyone with dementia but once you accept that she’s not the boss of you, she will catch on.

I would tell her that all previous agreements are off. She's not the only one that can change her mind in the middle of the agreement.

I would tell her straight out that you can not stay because you have no privacy or personal space. You are respecting that it is her house and you are leaving so your presence doesn't cause her to have to change anything.

Stop answering all of her calls and when you do stop being her dumping ground.

Tell her if you can't have a private space you will have to go back home. It is as simple as that. It may be her house but if she wants you to stay he has to meet your needs too.

The fact that she doesn't want you to leave does NOT mean that you are bound by her desires.

I'm sorry if I sound mean, but she is in charge of her life. NOT yours.

I did move last july after having been here 4 months to help take care of what had become an untenable situation, she had alienated all of her home helpers and caregivers, to the point that there was no food in the house etc, she is housebound and in a powerchair. there were several obstacles to overcome and we overcame them. then after having lived away for 3 months, she was calling me 3 or 4 times a week telling me all of the disasters that had befallen her since I left and almost begging me to come back. I finally came back in November and she was diagnosed with breast cancer a week later. We successfully navigated that scare with a single mastectomy and she is finally feeling better. Now there are 2 very competent home helpers along with several home health care givers that she has retained. I could go home again, BUT she doesn't want me to leave and says so. I am patient and agreed to stay until after the big covid lockdown. I have taken as small a footprint as I know how, and she has said it is all fine. UNTIL the other day when she insisted on keeping the office door open from here on out (though she doesn't use the office) in order for the dog to see out onto the street and bark at passing cars, humans, birds, etc...I then took that to mean I should make an even smaller footprint and moved my computer etc into my bedroom. Now she has taken to opening the door and demanding all manner of tasks be taken up on her behalf, mind you, I have started doing some of the chores the absent (due to virus) caregivers were completing,
She pays all the housing costs like taxes electricity and garbage etc, I pay for my own food, and all other personal expenses

Move?

What is your status in the home?

Mom pays bills, etc?
Does she cook for you? You got her?
Clean the home?
How long have you lived there? Is the arrangement for her convenience or yours?

Negotiate is the best I can suggest.

Considering you're in her house, you don't have much leverage here.

It would be nice if she did allow you some privacy and space, but she likely sees ALL of the home as hers (which it is). You'll likely need to live elsewhere if it becomes unbearable.

Lock your door and get headphones.

She can insist all she likes.