My mom has suffered from depression and anxiety for at least 20 years when my dad left, possibly even before. She has been on and off meds the entire time. I have always and will always be her number one support. I help financially, I’ve picked up meds, gone to appts, watched her through this terrible trial and error of trying to find the right solution. She is divorced, works from home and doesn’t have too many friends. She is currently taking Celexa under a psychiatrist. They want to add Abilify but my mom is giving up on trying something else as she’s tried many different kinds. Celexa worked for some years and then stopped. She was comfortable with trying that again but it doesn’t seem to be doing the full job. She cries every day and as you can imagine it is even more difficult during this covid time. She recently has become afraid to be home alone even for short periods of time. I don’t feel like it’s dementia, maybe bipolar. But I feel like some of it is situational. I made a room in my house for her but she is uncomfortable and feels displaced. Her cat passed away and she did not cope with it well at all. Her coping skills are definitely lacking and she lives around what has happened to her in the past. She may suffer from some PTSD. It’s absolutely heartbreaking when she tells me she’s just biding time and doesn't have much time left, when she’s not even considered a senior yet. She cries for those who have passed. I do not believe she is suicidal but I am afraid for her quality of life. I have brought her to the hospital in several occasions. She was in a hold once but was released. I am engaged living with my fiancé for four years now and when I left it got worse. I feel so helpless and my fiancé gets upset when I am upset. Would love some thoughts on how I can take control of this situation. I just signed myself up for one in on one counseling but who knows when I will be able to get started with that. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
29 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Helping her financially is likely causing you harm. Involving yourself in 'fixing' this situation is likely causing a rift in your personal relationship; if not, it surely CAN do so in the future, especially if your mother moves in to the room you created for her.
At what point do you step back and tell her that she has to agree to help HERSELF before you can do anything else for her? A bit of tough love may be required here. My mother is 93 now, and I've been listening to her say she's 'biding her time' here on Earth too, and can't wait to die. She's threatened to throw herself out the window, has taken off in the car burning rubber (when I was a kid) saying she was going to drive off of a bridge........and a ton of other drama filled threats that have never panned out to a hill of beans. Just created tension, anxiety and nerves for ME, frankly.
I was finally able to talk to my mother's doctor in 2011 and he prescribed Wellbutrin which has helped.........to some degree. I still have to listen to the "I want to die" litanies and then all the fear about actually dying, in reality.
So. I think it's a great idea that you're signed up for counseling because with luck, the counselor can teach you how to set boundaries with your mother while living your own life.
Resign your post of being your mother's safety net and savior. You can't save a person from herself, and that's the truth.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
ADVERTISEMENT
I think if you could get your mom into some sort of counseling that would help a lot. Cognitive behavior counseling with a group would help her see that she is not alone in how she feels and that there are many others out there. Anti depressants unfortunately sometimes draw a person even further inward. I know cause I've taken a few. I'm not suggesting your mom should discontinue hers but maybe she needs some counseling in addition to the medication.
She has made you her lifeline and you need to somehow wean her off of thinking like that. The only way you can do that is to slowly stop aiding her in that way. Not all at once but gradually. Introduce her to new resources to replace that area in her life that you have been filling.
If she isn't willing to try then you have to practice tough love and never ever blame yourself for any outcome that occurs. You need to start living your own life.
That's the last straw for me. Are you in touch with anyone in your mother's mental health team? - because the advice you could do with is about how to get her formally assessed so that she can be provided with the right supportive treatment.
I don't mean - tie her down and stick a needle in her bottom! But her depression is deepening, her quality of life is diabolical, and it's such a *waste*. Good heavens! - this lady is three years older than me! You can't allow her to allow the next twenty years to be like this or worse, and there's no need.
Does she have a job, by the way?
Personally, I feel badly for anyone who suffers from serious depression, anxiety or any other mental health issue.
All of us have struggled with emotions in our lives, if anyone has received a clinical diagnosis it’s even harder. Our environment can play a part as well.
I feel equally as bad for family members and friends of people who deal with mental health issues. It can be a challenge for them to find ways of coping with what is best for everyone that is involved.
Family members may want to help and that is admirable but cannot entirely sacrifice themselves.
Boundaries must be set. It is not cut and dry. Medications may help but it can take awhile to figure out which ones work the best for that person.
The person has to take their medication properly and so on. Can or should the prescribed meds be taken long term or temporary? The patient and doctor have to work on finding a resolution together.
Sometimes it does become a burden to help someone with severe depression and you have to have an honest discussion with them by simply saying that you are not a professional and therefore not qualified to help them get better.
We can’t do everything that is often expected of us and we need to gently remind them that their problems require more help than we are capable of doing.
Please remember that you cannot neglect your own needs. I wish you happiness with your fiancé. Best wishes to you and your family.
Try your best not to become “the answer person” or “solver of all things”. Try to make her take on all the things in life we have to do. If she gets to a stumbling point, ask her to write it down and both can figure out happened and you (both) can solve it.
Try to set a foundation like this now or you will have no life at all. If she is able to do daily tasks, make a list and go over it with her. Accomplishment and self esteem work wonders.
I know this because I am 54 years old and I have been taking care of my my parents for 12 years. Dad has passed but mom is still with us. Both had very complicated problems with cancer and I had take that on. There’s no escaping it.
After dad died mom became more dependent on me. It was a slow process but it was killing me. I’m the one who had to go to therapy and see a psychiatrist and take medication.
I wholeheartedly recommend CBT. It made me feel like I wasn’t an oddball and no one understood me.
As far as medication goes, do what your doctor recommends. I take the lowest dose of Prozac and the smallest dose of Xanax. That’s what helps me. Everyone is different and there is no “magic pill”.
Try to start building good foundation now, go by the rules you have both agreed upon and stay strong.
Your mom and dad gave you the gift of life so live it.
In my opinion that’s the best way.
But you can keep trying...it's your mom... She most likely won't listen to you,,, you are her child....
Just be HER sounding board... you don't have to respond. She needs someone there to sound off to... Tag You Are It.....
Let mom know, it's okay to feel that way.. But let's take 5 minutes each day, and be thankful for some sunshine. :) or rain, depending on what you need....
She is currently 19 years old and has been dealing with it since High School. You have my absolute sympathy and understanding. It's so hard on them, and also on us, who want nothing more than to wave that magic wand and make everything better. But a part of me also sometimes wants to just shake her and say Just Be Happy! How hard is that? Of course, it's just not that simple, and knowing it doesn't make it easier to live with, on either side.
One concern I have though - you mentioned in your post that she is on medication (that's great!) - but you said nothing about any kind of therapy. Successful treatment is a two-pronged plan - medication to alleviate the physical symptoms (panic attacks, shortness of breath, etc) but ALSO some sort of therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy. Without the CBT, a person suffering from these disorders never learns how to control the panic/depression rather that have it control them. CBT will give the patient strategies on dealing with the issues that arise that cause the anxiety/depression.
Generally speaking, people who suffer from the disorder aren't producing enough serotonin in their brains to keep things on an even keel, so to speak. That's what the medication is designed to help with. But the therapy is key. It has helped my daughter immeasurably. She is not 100% cured. I don't know that she will ever be 100% cured - and by cured I mean off medication and no further therapy - but she has learned skills on how to cope. And she is still learning. She still does weekly therapy - when she went to college her therapist set up an online session which she is now using with this pandemic.
I would try really hard to help mom find a therapist. And don't be surprised if it takes several tries before she finds someone she is comfortable with. And that's ok, a good therapist will tell you it's of the utmost importance to find a therapist that the patient is comfortable with. But mom has to be willing to do the "homework" so to speak. If not, then nothing will change.
For my daughter, she seems to have many more problems if she's bored - I think then she gets fixated on things and can't pull herself out of that anxiety/depression spiral. Exercise is also a big help for her, even if it's just a brisk walk. Those things don't "fix" it, but make it more manageable. Understand that this disorder is often a two step forward one step back process, and a regression is NOT a failure. My daughter has come off her meds twice (under doctor's care) and has ultimately had to go back on both times, and that's ok. The first time she was devastated ("I failed), but both her doctor and therapist told her it's perfectly normal. The second time she had to go back on, it was so much easier for her to deal with it.
Finally, I'll tell you the advice my daughter's psychiatrist told me when I asked how I can help my daughter, because that helpless feeling is terrible. He told me to ASK HER what I can do to help - what does she need from me? And to not be insulted if the answer is "nothing". You can't take control of the situation, only mom can do that. You can absolutely be part of her support system, but she has to do the heavy lifting. It sucks, but with help she can come out on the other side.
Prayers and hugs to you and mom.
What kind of work does she do from home? Does it create any interaction with other employees or is it making isolation even worse? Can she walk and get outside if she wants to? If yes, she needs to get out of the house. Can you talk her in to driving to pick up her own meds? Maybe take a walk with her around the block while maintaining distance.
I would definitely encourage adding the medicine that dr wants to add. Just tell her that it cannot hurt and it will make YOU feel better if she tries it. Perhaps the counseling can include her at some point so she can understand how you feel when she is feeling so down.
I'm no pro at this, just some suggestions.
See All Answers