Mother (89) lives with us. She whines to me but when my husband walks in or a friend calls she changes to a perky normal tone. Why?

You must be talking about my mother. LOL. Yep, I have one just like her. Seems all the boys can do no wrong, son, son-in-law, grandsons, but us poor females. We’re screwed. Me and my daughter get the brunt of it. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, but wanted to follow in case someone does. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It can be quite burdensome especially when us daughters are the ones who do the most for our moms and the most unappreciated.

Karbar, aren't we lucky we only get to see the sad face. Meaning, it seems they are 2 faced and if this is the disease-my mother has had it all of my life.
Still does it and I asked her about it one time and she said just wanted them to think she was cheery.
It makes me sick to think about the times she would gush over somebody and a few minutes before that she was being horrible to me. wth?
Try to go into another room while this is going on. When my Mom moved back to her apartment it was a huge relief to not have to witness and hear the bs anymore (in my home) Separate yourself from that toxicity as best you can. take care.

Try to chalk it up to the desease. And my daughters will tell u I was not good at that. Its because we have to do it all. Its like taking care of a big toddler. My Mom and I were close. But watching her decline...I could not handle it. I was retired, girls on their own, one with a new baby and here I was at someone's beck and call. Just as I'd sit down, she needed something. Woke up in the middle of the night after just getting to sleep. When she came to live with me it was not to be permanent. Eventually I placed her in an AL. There she could walk around the building. Have interaction with other people. Here it was just me and DH.

I like what NYDIL said.

It may be showtiming. My FIL, who has mild dementia, does it too. It's an attempt to act "normal" when the person can still recognize that something is "off". As for dealing with it, I've found that an empathic statement and *not* trying to solve the problem works. For example: "I didn't sleep" to which you can reply "I'm sorry you're feeling tired, mom". Avoid the impulse to solve her problem e.g. "Do you want to take a nap?" Trying to solve the problem can meet with lots of resistance, which will only add to your frustration.

It's easy to be pleasant and approving towards a person you're not bumping up against the entire time. This cuts both ways. Your husband's manner towards your mother is probably much sunnier than yours, because he doesn't have to put up with her "little ways" all day. And when your husband walks in, he is both a novelty and a little ray of sunshine. Of course she perks up!

Don't we all do this to some extent? You're having a rotten day, you've just had your son's school report, the dog weed on the carpet, your daughter refused to wear any shoes except the one that was missing its partner, and you got a speeding ticket. Your conversation in the car is, shall we say, not jovial in tone. Then you happen to park next to the school's Dad of the Year and - ping! - you're cheeriness personified. Brightens you up no end, no?

Living with this situation day in day out, though, is going to shred your temper. Since I resoundingly failed to solve the issue and now live alone, I'm probably not best placed to advise you. But what do you think you might do that would improve the household dynamic?