I’m afraid mom will not recognize us when at last we will have the right to go see her. How do we cope?

Here are some tips I found which may be helpful in case your mom doesn't recognize you once this whole 'stay at home' order is lifted:

Tips on Coping When a Loved One Does Not Recognize You
Acknowledge the Loss: As with other grieving processes, it's okay, and often necessary, to let yourself grieve this decline in your loved one. You don't have to be stoic, even if you've read up on what to expect and you know the change is coming.


Remind Him: If you sense he doesn't recall your name or who you are, simply remind him once by saying, "We haven't seen each other in a while. I'm your nephew Sam."

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due: Remind yourself that this is due to the disease process and not a choice by your loved one. It's the Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, or other types of dementia that should take the credit/responsibility for the loss of ability in your loved one. When he remembers your sister's name and not yours, try not to take it personally, even if it hurts your feelings. Blame the disease.


Respond Gently: When your loved one doesn't remember you, your goal is to decrease his anxiety or worries, not increase them by pointing out that you've been married to him for 50 years and asking why he doesn't love you anymore. Instead, you can try to change the subject or sing a favorite song with him.

Validation Therapy: If your wife continually refers to you as her father, ask her to tell you about her dad, what she misses about him, what he looked like, what he did as a job, and what she loved about him. Give her the opportunity to share her memories of him, rather than try to force the issue and make her identify and remember you.

Photos and Videos: Show your loved one older pictures of family and friends to reminisce together. It's likely that she will remember more from long ago and this exercise may sometimes trigger her to recall more recent items as well.

Seek Medical Help: If your loved one's inability to recognize or remember others is making her (NOT you) feel anxious and frequently distressed, if her paranoia is affecting her eating or sleeping, or if she is fearful of you to the point of becoming dangerous to herself or others around her, call her physician. There may be appropriate medications or other treatments that can address the cause of these behaviors and decrease her distress. While a physician won't be able to reverse her dementia, medical treatment can improve the quality of life for both of you.

A Word From Verywell
Some research has found that the positive feelings after a visit with someone living with dementia remain long past their memory of that particular visit. Remember that if dementia causes your loved one to not be able to recognize you, spending time with him can still be beneficial and uplifting to both of you.


Obviously, the photos & videos won't work if she's nearly blind.......but stories could be substituted for photos in that case, I would think.

Here is a link to another site with some useful info on the subject:
https://www.rehabmart.com/post/my-parent-doesnt-recognize-me-anymore-a-caregivers-guide-to-coping-with-alzheimers

Such a tough situation many of us (me included) are facing with this virus and not being able to see our loved ones in care communities. I do believe they are all suffering even more cognitive decline as a result, making us feel even MORE helpless as a result. Sending prayers for strength and hope as you navigate this difficult time.

Thank you so very much. It’s really helpful! I’ll print it to re read it at need!

I appreciated how to react when mom take me for her mom (validation therapy)or to use stories of fond memories. I know that to work!

Good also to remind me that the pleasure she will take of our presence doesn’t depend on her memory!

And that to succeed in being gentle I must let myself grieve first of all...

Thank you! God bless you!

I want to thank lealonnie1 for her wonderful answer with all that sage advice. The most important thing to remember is -- it's about Mom feelings, not yours. Remember, it is the disease that is taking her recent memory; she is not trying to hurt you. Memory loss robs the most recent first so be prepared to talk about memories of the distant past. And listen carefully when she talks about memories of her youth - you can use that in the studies of the family history.
This is a difficult situation at the best of times and the pandemic has made it so much worse but we are all here for you and each other. God bless you.

I dealt with this with my mother and now my husband. Sometimes you just have to hang loose, sit there and "play the part" she has created for you. It hurts, I know. Let her take the lead and respond accordingly. If she thinks you're her sister instead of her daughter, just go along with it. It will be heartbreaking for you (but you'll eventually adjust--I promise) and it will make her happy. The main thing is, don't argue with her or try to convince her she's got the identities mixed up. It serves no purpose and will just confuse her more. It's not important in the scheme of things.

My mother used to asked me when I came into her room, "Did you speak to Mama?" (She was referring to her own mother who had died 40 years ago). The first time it happened, I was shocked to death. But I asked her, "Oh. Is she here?" My mother would say, "Yes. She's right up there". And she would point to a corner in the ceiling. It brought her comfort thinking her mother was there with us. I would look up and say, "Hello". And my mother was happy with that. One time right in front of me she told somebody she never had any children. WELL SHE HAD ME!!!!!!!! It hurt my feelings, but you will learn to accept it. The last six months she lived she thought I was her sister. I just played the role. She had six sisters. Did she pick the nicest one to be me? Nope. She picked the mean one nobody got along with! That made me laugh.

Bless you. I hope this has been helpful for you.

Lealoni1 is spot on!
Unfortunately there is no telling how our loved ones will react once we are able to reconnect with them!
Love and patience!
God bless!

My father in law no longer recognized his (2nd) wife, but she visited him regularly. One day he told my husband that he really liked that "nice lady" who came to see him everyday. I give her a lot of credit for not making his dementia about her loss of companionship and instead continued to look after him as he lost everything.

Demented residents can form attachments to their caregivers.  If your mom does not recognize you after all this distancing is over, you can continue to visit regularly and form a different type of relationship with her.  While she might not remember your actual connection, she may still be able to enjoy a relationship with you.  Connect through her interests.

Best to perhaps not overthink the upcoming visit, but also to be ready if she does not recognize you, to just reassure her that it is you. Prayers to you.

Just sit with her and hold her hand. She knows someone special is with her. ❤

She probably has intuitive sense who else would come see her at 98, Most of her friends probably are all dead, so you Angels are nearest to her, as her mind. She can smell your body odors and remember your touches. If you aren’t afraid talk to her like she has value just like when she was in the prime of her life.

I talked to my Dad went out and bought his last ice cream and he quickly asked where’s the cake? So much for memory lost. 😑. He heard I love you Dad, Willie, and was fed by me one last time. If it had not been for the knockout gas given and he was at home his racing heart would’ve subsided on his own but at 89, the lawyer asked me, “What good is he?” “What can he do”?
I didn’t want to scream. but my mind just travelled back to all the joy he brought in our lives and the goodies he brought from the bakeries over the years. The stories he told. What a fine man, Husband, Father, Brother, Uncle, Maternal Blackfoot Indian, business owner, Deacon, outstanding son, community activist and voter. Only education precluded him from being a statesman. Education should not have been what disqualified him. His heart and head was superiorily compassionate.

So, remind your Mom, and say “thank you”, for all you did by being actively involved with us. We love you immensely and immeasurably worlds without end. Forever and ever. Sing a song she loved. Tell a story. Hold her hand! Reminisce of treasures unreplaceable money could not buy. Do you remember that time Mom.. just keep talking and singing and praying. It’ll work wonders!