Mother calls telling me I drove her around for hours and left her somewhere. Where are we in the dementia process?

My mom passed away March 1, 2020. She was in a NH for 3 years, but most likely had dementia from about age 83 until she passed at 94. I now believe she had been hiding it from me for a few years because she was very intelligent. She would have days that I thought she was totally normal and days that I knew she did in fact, have something wrong with her brain. She suffered a couple of TIAs and had "episodal memory loss" on several occasions. On and off she suffered from hallucinations but toward the end it was more frequent and became scarier to watch. My brother passed away also, and she did not cry but she did tell me that she had him "locked away in a different compartment of her brain." He was her favorite child but like a lot of brothers, did not do anything to help with her care or treatment during these hard past years. I found it odd that she did not cry when he passed away suddenly. A month before she passed, she started hallucinating saying "don't you see that little girl in the corner, crying? She is not going to have a mama." She also hallucinated that she had a car wreck and killed everyone. She would literally be crying and in extreme anguish when I would visit. She kept telling me she was dying but after living with this horrible disease for so long, I guess I was in denial. It is very difficult to determine what stage of the dementia they are experiencing, but you will know when it nears the end. I think they know when they are approaching death and the signs become evident if you know what they are. She quickly lost her ability to walk, talk coherently and eat. I chose hospice for her at the end because she was so anxiety ridden, delusional and actually experienced seizures, I felt she needed the sedation. I don't think sending her back and forth to the hospital multiple times is the answer, because hospitals are to treat and release, not to care for your loved one. It is extremely upsetting for someone with dementia to keep going to the hospital when there is nothing that can be done. I hope this information helps you a little, because I was constantly in a questioning state, wondering when/how the dementia would progress. It truly is a horrible disease but I am thankful I had my mom for 67 years.

You are describing typical dementia related behaviors, unfortunately. Everyone's experience is different, however, so you can never pinpoint anything exactly, nor can you expect these behaviors on a regular basis; they come and go. Here is a link to the stages of dementia and what to expect in each:

https://www.dementiacarecentral.com/aboutdementia/facts/stages/

I suggest you watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to see how to effectively communicate with your mother. Never argue with her..........just agree. The fact that she's not fazed by her son's passing is actually a good thing.........because anything that brings her anxiety and pain is not something you want to see. Don't remind her that anyone has died.........doing so just forces her to relive the trauma anew each time it's mentioned. If she believes her husband is cheating and gambling, you're unlikely to convince her otherwise :(

Put in a call to her primary care doctor to alert him to her behavior patterns/delusions & to see if he recommends medication. Some dementia sufferers find a lot of relief from anxiety with Seroquel. See what her doc has to say, that's your best bet. The goal is to keep her as calm and relaxed as possible without delusions driving her to distraction all the time!

As far as 'seeing & spending time' with your dad goes, who's to say she's not? After my father died, my mother insisted he was with her in the bed at night. I'll bet he was, actually.........after 68 years of marriage, I have no doubt their souls are together all the time, even though he's in another dimension right now. Let her alone with her feelings, as I do with my mother.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward. Dementia is such a horrid disease. I know. My mother also lives in Memory Care and is 93 years old. It's literally one thing after another, day in and day out, too. Nerve wracking, sad and awful, ALL of it.