I am caring for a friend's mom and I am her POA. I am getting a lot of flack from her oldest daughter that lives out of state. Advice?

As POA you are not required to speak to her daughter.

I would block her number and never speak to her again.

APS will verify that the accusation is false and close the complaint. It's a pain but it actually a good thing for you.

Continue to honor this responsibility and ignore the trouble makers. You have zero obligations to her children.

Missybitsmom,

You haven’t given us much information about why you are POA and not your friend, but that you have consented to do so says a great deal about your character and organizational capabilities. I hope for her sake that you can see it through and not let the daughter manipulate and bully you into giving it up. Let APS do their job. It will all play out. I am so sorry that absent family members have made your job more difficult. I agree with the other comments to your post. You have no obligation (especially now!) to answer to or communicate with this eldest daughter. Once APS concludes their investigation you can move her to that better location. I imagine APS gets plenty of these bogus complaints, though they still have to investigate.

Your post reminds me of what a nurse told me at my parents’ nursing home when my father was on Hospice, She said she often sees absent relatives come in as the resident is dying, stirring up a fuss and questioning every move the staff, POA, or consistent family member makes. She says one time this guy was ranting and raving about something, and she said, “Excuse me, who are you? I’ve never seen you here or heard from you before.” She said she just couldn’t stop herself.

Only because I am in a cranky mood today but you could take a more aggressive approach. If you are in the position to spend some of your own money - see an elder care lawyer and have them write a very formal 'cease and desist' letter to the money grabbing daughter outling exactly what legal actions will be taken is she doesn't stop her unwarranted interference. I would do this after the APS investigation clears you. The reason you are POA is because the Mom knows what her children are like. She trusts you.

One good thing about APS is that you will have a record showing the investigation is unfounded. Also a record of the daughter submitting false claims.

Here is an update for all of you that have answered my question:
I am still her POA for now. I have just learned that the daughter has reported me to APS as mishandling her money. Since there is an active case with APS, I cannot move her closer to myself and the one son that could visit (it would be within walking distance from his home). I am not worried as I have all bank statements and can account for every cent. I am still torn as to what to do but I am doing everything I can to make sure this woman is cared for, for now. But it is starting to strain my marriage. My husband is furious that this daughter has accused me of stealing from this woman. She has finally met requirements and been approved for Medicaid so that is such a relief.

Please come back and tell us how things turn out.

Thank you all for the advice. I have all bank records and she is currently being evaluated for Medicaid. I have not reimbursed myself for any of the lost time at work or mileage. I felt as if it was part of the job. She has always been a very private person when it came to her money and I feel that she would not want any of her 4 children to know what her income is, by the way none wanted to have anything to do with her care until now. I will take the advice and notify APS before I resign and make them very aware of the motives of the daughter. Thank you for that advice as I had not thought of it. It does break my heart that I feel like this is the only alternative that I have.

Don't resign. You will leave the woman with no one to enforce what she wants. She cannot reassign a POA if found incompetent. Do as suggested, just block her. My Moms bank statement showed all her deposits and withdrawals. Keep all receipts. It OK to reimburse yourself, just back up.

Is the woman on Medicaid? If so, she has no money you can steal. Just curious, you said your friends Mom. Where is that friend? Can she/he tell his sister to lay off.

I agree with the other poster's, ignore her and block her number and please do not hesitate to call the police if she shows up at your house. It is evident that her mother gave you POA for a reason, maybe it is because her daughter hasn't had anything to do with her mother in 20+ years. The daughter probably thinks that her mother is going to die soon since she is in a nursing facility and she may feel a sense of entitlement or is feeling guilty. Don't let her intimidate you. If she had nothing to do with her mother for 20+ years what difference does it make now?

Ignore her. Seriously. Don’t answer her phone calls or her emails. And keep a paper trial of everything you’ve done with her moms money. In other words CYA l, cover your you know what. And then decide if it’s worth to continue to act as POA.

As the daughter appears to be a trouble maker, please make sure you document every cent you spend. Record each mile you drive when you pick up things for her or driver her to appointments.

if you wish to resign as POA you may want to talk to APS to let them know your friend is a vulnerable person.

How frustrating! Since you have POA, does the daughter really have any rights? Do you HAVE to even talk to her? Block her number. Do right by the mom and have no contact with the daughter.

Unfortunately, it is not unusual for someone not involved in the caregiving, etc. to give advice and try to tell those actually doing the work how to do it soooo much better than is being done. They are ignorant of the facts since they have no first hand experience. Don't let it get to you too much!