Being abused by my ailing mother. I can’t do enough to make her happy. She throws fits to gain control, money hungry. How do I neutralize?

Twenty years is a long time to finally say enough is enough. What happened at 49 that she had to depend on, at least, 20+ daughter?

Is Mom collecting SS? She is on Medicare right? Is she divorced? Married for 10 yrs or more? I am asking because some women do not realize they can get credit on SS from ex husband. I worked with a woman whose husband had been dead for a while. SS rep based her SS on her earnings not asking if she had been married or widowed. A fellow employee told her to go back and tell them she was a widow. She got $200 more. 20 yrs ago that made a big difference.

Of course you just can't kick Mom out. And tell her that 3k offsets all the support u have given her. 69 is not old. She can be on her own and you can have peace. Do you own the home? Only u on the deed? If so, maybe put it up for sale. Then tell Mom that she will need to find a place to live because when the house is sold, you are going to live alone.
The other option is to tell her you find that as you are getting older, you can't take the Drama anymore. So, you think its time Mom finds a place of her own. Most places have Senior Housing where they require 30% of your income for rent. You are responsible for utilities and food. Then there is low income apts. Instead of paying a thousand, you pay $700.

If Mom receives nothing but SS and its not enough to support herself, she may be able to get SSI which is a Supplimental income thru the State.

And you are doing this why???????????? Read what Grandma1954 had to say.........then start saving boxes and packing stuff up. 20 years is WAY too long to be putting up with this! It's time for mother to live on her own and for you to take your life back. Now.

Good luck!

If she can care for herself it is time to give her her walking papers.
Give her a deadline, June 1 sounds good.
You and she can look for a place Senior housing, Assisted Living whatever.
Start saving boxes and packing stuff up.
If she can not care for herself then Assisted Living would be the place to start.
You do not indicate any health problems she has.

Okay.

Go back to the beginning. Your mother was then 49, you were how old, and what happened? Why did she need your help?