Silent treatment from mother and Mother's Day. Thoughts?

Ah yes, the infamous passive/aggressive silent treatment punishment. I know it well. My mother doled it out by the wagon-load when I was a kid, and still does now........at 93, with dementia & living in a Memory Care ALF! What fun!!

Tell your mother to go right ahead & let all the relatives know about what a terrible/rotten/miserable/useless-good-for-nothing daughter you are. With any luck at all, none of them will call you anymore & you'll get the silent treatment from the whole lot of 'em!

I'm sorry for all you're dealing with with your breast cancer diagnosis. God forbid these women would think to look past their own needs for ONE moment and consider what YOU are facing right now! I hope all goes well with your treatment, and that it was caught soon enough to minimize chemo and troubles moving forward. Sending you a hug and prayer

As far as your mother goes, if it were me, I'd pick a time to call her when I KNEW she wouldn't be home (or when she'd be otherwise occupied) so you can leave her a Happy Mother's Day (ahem, excuse me while I puke) voice mail. That's what I do when I'm trying to save myself the torture of dealing with my mother during one of her infamous Moods.

Best of luck!

I wish there was a way for you to send her a greeting card instead. Even if you keep the call short, it just siphons emotional energy from you.

If there is one thing this pandemic should teach us is that life is precious and too short to spend time on things/people that drain our energy. You have enough to focus on with your new dx - jettison all negativity you possibly can. If she can't get past her own "I want" to see what you need, then you need to stay away from her. Let her tell the relatives whatever she chooses - many hugs to you.

Take a look at this link: 25 Signs of a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist


https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

When I happened upon this article, it was kind of life-changing for me. It opened my eyes to the fact that SO MUCH of what had been going on my whole ENTIRE life was related to the fact that my mother is a covert passive aggressive narcissist.

Gray rock means this: you act like a gray rock in front of her. You do nothing, say nothing.....no reaction. Just sit there like a rock. They HATE that b/c they live for drama & pushing our buttons to get a reaction! I've tried it..........and it does work, to some degree.

Last year, right before Mother's Day I was dxed with cancer. Decided the best thing to do was to be upfront with her about it.

I told her, and she said "well, your daddy will be so glad to see you" (daddy's been gone 14 years).

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, she didn't miss a beat and began telling me about her one friend. Not even and "I'm sorry". Nothing.

I walked out, sat and cried in my car and decided to Grey Rock her for the time being. 8 months later, in remission and finally growing some hair, I stopped in to see her. Her first comment "Oh, and you were my prettiest child". WTH? Not one word from her for 8 months of hell and she hits me with this.

I'm told she does not have dementia, so I take what she says as gospel truth.

Walked out again, this time ANGRY as can be. She might get a card, but I'm not ruining yet another mother's day by going to see her and having her slyly bash me.

Her 90th birthday is in 3 weeks. Nobody has planned anything and I doubt I would go if they did.

She's done enough damage in 63 years, I am not handing her the chance to do more. She'll live forever, but I do not have to deal with her.

Do what works for you. Perhaps phone, just say ‘I called to say Happy Mothers Day’ and put the phone down. If she wants to talk, she can phone you back. Whatever you choose to do, don’t stress about it.

Kmjfree,
I totally understand what you're going through! I was just diagnosed with colon cancer. CT tomorrow and colorectal surgeon next week. My mom is upset, because I didn't run out this last weekend and bring her a fan for her room . Just got my diagnosis Thursday.
Your mom sounds very much like mine.
Through a lot of research online, I finally understand that mom is a narcissist!
I would highly recommend you do some research on your own about narcissism. You can't change them or win an argument!! There are was to deal with them. Also look into going "grey rock ".
Now more than ever, you need to take care of YOU!!
I'll keep you (and your mom) in prayer!
You can beat this!!!
God bless and keep you!!

Sorry about you diagnosis. You aren't the only one on this forum whose Mother was not sympathetic to what they was going thru when it came to Cancer. There are a lot of members with narcissistic mothers. So I am sure you will get a number of responses.

Its time to take care of you. You need no stress or negativity.

Send a card and keep your stress level down.

What a time for mom to pitch a fit! and that silent treatment! with all that's going on!  She knows your triggers, now your illness, yet pressing those buttons anyway!  Just me, me, me for her, and if not, she'll hurt you by telling your confidences.  Definitely passive aggressive as others here said.  Makes me mad for you (I go through the same things).  It's very stressful, hurtful.  And stress is the last thing you need more of. 

I'd send her a card, call her on Mother's Day, and keep the conversation very short and light.  If she starts a fit or any negativity, that's the signal for Stop & get off the phone as quickly as possible ('ok, gotta run; have a great day! Love you'). 

You are the most important person to take good care of and be as stress free as possible, especially now.  I'm sorry you're sick, and pray for things to go really good for you.   

lil

KM, are you not in a place where you need to be socially distanced?

The fewer visitors your mom has, the less chance she has of succumbing to COVID; does she understand that, or is she cognitively impaired?

(Forget her caring about YOU; does she not care about her own health?).

I would send a card. Call if you must, but if she starts in with unpleasantness, say "bye mom, I'll call when you are in a better mood".

Do not subject yourself to negativity in any relationship. When someone gets nasty, leave.