How do I get my FIL out of my home?

Hi Margaret
Thank you for your helpful comments. I will definitely look into IL in my region and see what they say. Even if it is only used as a conversation starter with Dad to get him to be behave in a way that does not negatively impact the family. I also think we do need to put in some boundaries and not allow him to dictate to us what he will and won't do. I do realize he is very controlling and thinks because he pays us some money each week that have to do things his way. He doesn't pay us as much as he would be paying if he was living independently with support services. He often accuses us of being money hungry and has a belief that we need his money. That is simply not the case and is not why we were willing to look after him. We would happily forgo the money for a harmonious home. He has a little dog (one we owned) which we gave him some 8 years ago. His whole life revolves around this dog - I feel sorry for her! When I looked into IL 3 years agoI found out he would not be able to have his dog with him. But I think I'm to the point where his choices are limiting his options and there will be a price to pay for him, ie he will not be able to have his dog with him. I am concerned as he is still driving that he will still come to our house and hassle us especially if we have his dog. I guess he could still pick his dog up and then drop her back to us. He will take the dog to the new accommodation whether he is allowed to or not but I guess the managers there would need to deal with that. I suspect he will go down hill very quickly if he doesn't have his dog with him. I just see difficulty ahead for him if we relocate him to other accommodation but I think we need to use tough love. We are not abandoning him, we will still support him and help him in whatever he needs just from a distance.

Thanks for your comments. I was thinking exactly what you suggested: that I should record any interaction with Dad at least then my husband will hear for himself the way Dad is speaking to me. Since he has received the papers to go to court for the common assault charge he has been very grumpy. I'm just waiting for the next outburst.

Thanks for your reply. We are in regional Australia. I’m not sure where he would go. He has no money- gambled it all away! He would only be eligible to enter a government funded aged care facility if he was assessed as high need and there was a place available. The waiting time is years. We could set him up in his own unit at considerable expense to us but as he keeps running out of money, and he gets a UK pension and an Aust pension, I don’t know how long that would work. Everything was sold when we moved him across. He would need to pay for cleaning and meals. The other sons are over the other side of Australia and are supporting their mum. Dad is estranged from them, because of the way he treated them, and I don’t think they would be willing to offer financial support to relocate him but we could ask. We originally wanted to set Dad up in his own unit but he was just too frail when he came over to us. Even if the Dr agreed to refer him to a Geriatrician and they assessed him as having Vascular Dementia how would that change anything? I think maybe the only way this situation will change is if he ends up in hospital and we refuse to take him back then they will have to place him in an aged care facility. I guess I just need to get a tougher skin and keep forgiving him until such time the situation changes. He’s so stubborn and full of pride, “fighting” as he says he’ll properly live for another 10 years.

Thanks for your comments. I’ve thought about sundowners and that may be part of it. Dad is smart and only has a go at me when we are on our own. Because I have been seeing a lot of his negative behavior over a long period of time I’m really not sure he has Dementia. I’m conflicted. He was so pleasant and controlled his responses when the police came so that just makes me think he hadn’t got a Dementia. If he had I probably won’t feel so hurt by the way he treats me and the awful things he says to others about me. We are a firm believer in boundaries but to give you a idea of what we are dealing with one quick story. We have 2 dogs. In spite of our requests to Dad not to feed the dogs while we are eating at the table he continues to sneak food to them. The other day the dogs had a scrap under the table trying to get in the best position to receive the food. My husband said that’s no good the dogs can stay in the other room. Dad argued at volume that we didn’t discipline the dogs properly and we should feed them before we eat. When my husband said he was causing the problem by feeding the dogs; he loudly disagreed and said we were at fault. He said we needed to feed the dogs then. My husband said no. Dad got up from the table and refused to eat with us until the dogs were feed. For the next two weeks dad did not eat with us and would only ate after the dogs were fed. Finally I said this is ridiculous. So we compromised in that I put our food on the table, we all sit down and then my husband feeds the dogs and we all start eating when he sits down. The other day we were really busy and and forgot to get the dogs food ready. We started eating. Dad asked have the dogs been fed. I said I forgot. Husband didn’t want to interrupt his meal so we continued eating. Dad didn’t start eating and after about 5 mins got up and left the table said he would eat after the dogs had eaten. Later after the dogs were fed husband called dad he said “I’m past it now”. He’s done this before. He will just not back down. It is very difficult. He used to daily bad mouth every family member to me until I put in a boundary and said I would not engage in conversation about other family members and that I would walk away. He said I couldn’t handle it and I said that’s fine if that’s what you think! He didn’t like it but it did work. My husband and I do not argue. Nor do we speak negatively to each other. We have had so much conflict in our home since dad arrived. It is a constant work to keep my heart right.