Should I be annoyed when I tell someone some difficulty I'm having as a caregiver and the response is simply: "you're a good daughter"?

How about saying 'I'm a good daughter, but I'm a bit short on good friends'.

I have learned not to talk about caregiving with a sole unless they are a fellow caregiver. Only caregivers know the burden, the stress, the anxiety that we go through. Even if you manage to explain to someone, they will have no idea what it's like until they do it themselves. And... it has to be with someone you LOVE. I have thought about it. I think I could be a caregiver and be much more at ease if it were with a stranger and not my mom. The emotional toll of past memories and personal history is nothing like it would be with a stranger.

Find a caregivers group in your area, so you can get a meaningful hug from someone that really understands.

Simply reply, “no, I am an AMAZING daughter.” The more you say that, the less annoyed you will be!

xoxo
susan

Happy, what is your imagined "best response"?

Do you want them to offer to help?
Do you want them to say "it must be so hard"?
Do you want them to suggest resources?

I have had all of the above said to me when my mom was ill. I have SAID all of the above to friends.

Frankly, its NEVER the right thing to say. Because you just want the burden lifted.

No one can do that but you. Are you burning out? What are the resources that can be tapped?

It's perfectly understandable to feel annoyed at that response. Not really a lot you can do about other's responces though - they just don't get it. But come here & share, folks here do 🤗

Yes, you should be annoyed. Being told 'you're a good daughter' is just a platitude by people who don't really want to hear the details about what's bothering you. It's like asking "How are you?" and expecting the pat response of "I'm fine thanks". Most people don't REALLY want to know how you are.......it's just a greeting.

Care giving is a solitary job, isn't it? You find, though the years, that there aren't many (if any) people you can really rely on to help you, or to even listen to you vent.

Look into getting some hired help; these people are paid to listen, to do chores and errands, and sometimes, they wind up caring MORE than the so-called 'friends' and family members who ask empty questions with no concern for your answers.

Good luck!

You have every right to feel annoyed. They have no idea and will never understand until they are in your shoes. Sadly, people just do not get that "praise" is not what caregivers are after or want. Caregivers need support.

My question here is this:
Are you annoyed with them or with yourself?
I am an RN and one thing I believe is we are not all cut out to be caregivers.
We dont all have the patience or energy for it. That doesn't mean you dont want the best for your mother. As a nurse I have seen and experienced a lot of things; some of it very good and some very bad.
There are caregivers who have endless patience and energy and truly enjoy spending hours caring for, not just their own loved ones, but the loved ones of others too. There are also people who just dont have the patience, stamina, skills or emotional capacity to deal with people who are ill. Those people have talents and abilities that are RIGHTLY served elsewhere. I am not saying this is you. In fact I am speaking in generalities here for anyone who might be reading. Only you can decide if this is a temporary feeling on your part, or if you need to find some other way to care for your loved one. Not being able to or even wanting to care for a loved one is not a sin, if I were ill I want someone to care for me who WANTS to be there, not someone who is forced to. If I had to choose a daughter who could come see me happy VS a daughter who was tired, mentally exhausted, depressed....ect ect ect I would choose a happy daughter and assisted living, home health aides or someone else. People can only give their best to others when they feel their best. Sometimes being a caregiver is not meant for everyone. It takes a lot of self reflection to truly decide what is best for a loved one. Other people dont know and are just trying to be nice. If you want answers for a situation you are not happy with that starts with you.

These folks do not understand your situation. They may not be able or desire to take the hard path of listening and helping problem solve or empathize. They think you need encouragement that you are doing the right thing and being a good______ (fill in the blank).

Find your "tribe" - people who understand (like here) and can give you what you need. When you find people going the "you're such a good ______" route realize they are not going to be part of your tribe.

That’s exactly what I get...”you’re a great daughter, you’re a blessing to your mom”.

So tired of hearing that crap from so called friends or family!

I feel like saying you wanna help? Send over some prepared food once in awhile or pay my mom’s lawn cutter or ask if she needs some money to pay a necessity bill or (before COVID-19) come over and watch her for a few hours so I can get some respite...something, anything!