Dealing with family conflict; any thoughts?

Hi all. Yes, my mom needs a great deal of care. With the care manager’s guidance it was suggested that we find a care home for mom. My brother and SIL resisted that claiming that was not a choice they agreed with. It’s difficult to have a conversation with them, Geaton offers helpful language. Thank you. The caregivers were paid to come by a 4 hours a week. My brother couldn’t help pay for services and his assistance was what he can personally provide as well as the SIL. The Medicaid application is pending and I took out a short term disability policy for Mom that can provide home care, but that does not go into effect until August. Honestly, the charged reactions help me see points of view from SIL and brother. I would like to have constructive discussions and find away forward but that would be with finding additional care services not dependent on me relocating to my childhood home. That could include, and has, me having extended stays or finding nursing home care.

It seems to me that your SIL does all the work, with no thanks from you.  I would be telling my DH we should move out.   I suspect that your mothers care needs are more than these paid people (are you helping pay for them?).  If your mom has assets there is not reason she should not pay for care givers, but if your SIL is there and feels they are doing inadequate jobs, I think it is wrong not to listen to her.

Geaton gave you some GREAT advice. I cannot stress her point enough, be very careful about your tone and words when you speak with your brother and SIL. Those of us with caregiving "boots on the ground" so to speak really resent the sibling who calls with "advice" (usually thinly veiled criticism) about the job we're doing as primary care givers. Especially if it's your SIL doing the lion's share of the work (often times, sons who take on the caregiving responsibility turn much of the work over to their wives, figuring that they're "better" at it because they're women), she might be feeling extremely resentful about the entire situation.

I'm not trying to bash you here, but I need to point something out: you say you want to visit mom and spend time with her...that's great, but it implies that at some point you leave your mom and go back to your life. Right now, your brother and his wife don't have that luxury. If your mom is that bad a fall risk, and taking care of her is starting to affect your brother's marriage, it's time to talk with him and mom about AL or NH.

I'm the sibling doing the care taking, so I'm a little sensitive about other siblings, hundreds of miles away, feeling like I'm being unreasonable about my emotions that come with taking care of someone. It's not like raising a baby, because with a baby there's "improvement" (for lack of a better word) every day. With caring for an elderly person, it's a slow decline that is frustrating and scary, because the bottom of that hill is the end. Please don't think I am accusing you of insensitivity, I'm just encouraging you to look at this situation through the eyes of your brother/SIL.
Good luck

Nicole, a little more info would be helpful for context. Who is your mother's PoA? How old is your brother and SIL? How many hours a week does the paid caregiver come? Not to defend your SIL's behavior but they may be having problems of which you're not aware, or they may be burning out on caregiving (which is very common) or both. I think the only mature thing to do is to call your B and SIL and discuss what's going on. "I felt your reaction to my mentioning the bill was uncharacteristic and out of proportion. You feel like you've 'given up your life' to help mom and I *am very grateful* for all your participation. I just don't have the financial means to cover this bill going forward. If you can't either then please tell me so we can change course and ease your stress" etc etc. Give them the opportunity to divulge in a constructive, honest way, If they don't take it, you've done all you can ethically and relationally and then you will need to decide where you want things to go with them and your mom's care.

Many on this forum will comment that adult children should not be shouldering the expenses for their parent's care and I agree. It may be that your mom now needs more attention than you, b and sil are able to provide or afford. The virus messes things up for quite a while since NHs are the MOST likely place to get the illness and your mom is extremely high risk. If your mom's finances are that strained then you should consider applying for Medicaid. Or, go with Brother to an elder law attorney who has experience in estate planning and navigating Medicaid qualification. It will be money well spent if your mom has any income/assets/investments. I wish you great success in protecting and caring for your mom. She is lucky to have all of you!