My mother lives in another state. She is 85 and has dementia. Sometimes she cries that no one loves her, but she has pushed everyone away.

I think you can contest the caregiver assignment if your mother she was appointed after she was diagnosed with alzheimers. The diagnosis reflects her level of competence.

charlotte

The best you can do is gently tell her people do love her and then try to change the subject - distraction. It is probably true if she is mean, etc. and I don't blame them but it is too late to get that into her head. Not much else you can do. You can get tough and tell her to stop saying no one loves her, they do, and she must stop saying it - get tough and make her stop and change the subject.

UTIs in Seniors can cause delirium and mood swings, even mild ones. I would have her checked for that. Also... What meds is she on and dosages? What are side effects? At 85, less meds is usually a better remedy as their bodies can barely tolerate them. My mom is 90 and she has dementia and heart issues. She takes no medications any longer, the side effects were worse than anything they remedied. For mood swings, I test for UTI with home strips or ask for Dr order of urinalysis. I also give her CALM gummies/Melatonin to quiet her, almost always works. And 5-HTP is another. There are other 'natural' remedies out there that would not have your LO suffering side effects.

RueJudd7: You should inform her neurologist of these facts since they are the medical professionals. Perhaps he or she can give her a different rx, since she has taken Aricept. The things that you mention go along with the disease of Alzheimer's, unfortunately.

Hi Rue,

Sorry about these problems with your mom. Did you ever made the trip to Utah to find out what is going on? Was your mom diagnosed by a doctor?

Also, what was your mom's personality like before she became sick?

It's possible that the medicine she is taking is giving her bad side effects. If I were her caregiver I would take her off this medicine and see if her mood improves. More drugs are not always the best answer. Sometimes less is more.

That said, accepting when our parent or loved one has dementia or any other illness is not easy. Acceptance is the first step in helping another. When I realized my mother was showing signs of dementia I sold her house and moved her in with me (it was a long distance trip and it was not easy but I felt it was necessary). My mom is so grateful and appreciative that I did this for her.

I wish you the best of luck, Jenna

Are you the Healthcare POA? I'd discuss things with her doctor. They may want to check her for illness like UTI or other infections, just to rule out other causes, but, if dementia is the cause for her anguish, I'd explore medication for depression, anxiety, and sleep disorder. Most people that I know of who have dementia suffer with mental distress, like you describe. I would address it immediately and check with the caregiver. IT's very stressful to be a sole caregiver for a person who is experiencing those kind of symptoms. Along with the medication, I'd suggest comforting words, not disagreeing with her, and keeping her supervised for her and other's safety. If you can, I'd read and have the caregiver read a lot of material about dementia and what it entails.

My LO worried and cried a lot shortly after she was diagnosed. Her dementia was pretty severe, even then. She worried about me, my mom and her cat A LOT. She was deluded to think that her cat could escape from the house through a crevice the size of a pea. Nothing would comfort her, but, she was prescribed a daily med for anxiety and depression and it was a GREAT relief to her. Later, she was prescribed a small dose of a sleep aid as well that really helped. I hope that you can find something to help her feel better.

My mother, the sweetest person you could ever know, was the same way. It's NOT HER FAULT. It's demintia. It destroys a person's physical, mental and emotional abilities. I always told her that she us loved by all her friends and family, but now in these times, everyone is having to go where the jobs are, and lots of times it means moving to another city or even another state. She accepted that.

a British study published in 2004 suggested that Aricept has “disappointingly little overall benefit,” and is not worth the cost. That study followed patients taking Aricept for three years, comparing them to a group who did not take the drug.Feb 16, 2018
I'm dealing with the same issue with my mom who is 80. right now it's mostly my sister who takes care of her but we battle with not only what you're dealing with but constant verbal abuse. I know the time will come when our sanity and overall health will take precedent but for now we deal with it day by day.
Please remember that we serve a very loving God. He wants the best for us but he also allows things to happen for his glory. I suggest you get into a personal relationship with our Lord and pray to him on a daily basis. You will see and feel God's comforting hands all over you. Hang in there and God Bless you.

She may benefit from an anti-anxiety medication to help her relax more.

I am states away from my mom. It was really tough when she lived at home alone.I even bought a smart phone so I could track where she was when she left the house. I found an upstart company to come in, which gave us great service. My mom kept refusing to move into assisted living. I was fortunate, the company even got my home from the Er. And another time got her home from a hospital stay. The entire time she accused people of stealing , including 9 cotton balls. She didn’t want help...Another time she hit me while screaming over her insistence that my sister stole dimes. Now, I have her in an assisted living, and She wants to move. So, people are “ stealing” . I know , that she is purposely lying. At the time, when She finally agreed to move into assisted living, I didn’t want to chance her saying no if I moved her to Wisconsin. Ideally by me , would have been better. I use amazon and Costco for deliveries of items to her. Sadly, Family is not able to help out. I do all her bills online. Just things to think about as you make this change.

My mom is the same way. She repeats like a broken record and I respond like a broken record. My response is always " I'm sorry you feel that way"

Rue, the behaviours that you are describing are, unfortunately, part of dementia. It will not get better.

My suggestion is to read many different threads and articles here, find a caregiver support group and read "The 36 Hour Day". The more you learn, the more prepared you will be. Not everything will become a crisis.

If there is a private caregiver you are required to withhold taxes, social security, workmans comp, and all. You need a caregiver agreement if this is not an agency. See an elder law attorney for advice on what needs to be taken care of.

I've heard Aricept is not very helpful. Maybe an anti-depressant and/or an anti-anxiety med? The nightmares sound like anxiety to me...

Gold luck.

RueJudd7, long-distance caregiving is not easy. I know, I am trying to manage care for 2 very elderly aunts. Your profile is soliciting for help (and that's not what this forum is for) but I think you may be at the juncture where a bigger decision needs to be made by you. If you are your mother's PoA and you wish to continue managing care for her, it would be immensely better to move her to you. As her condition worsens there will be no end to crisis you will be managing weekly, sometimes daily. Finding strangers to care for her puts a very vulnerable person at great risk, as there are all sorts of unqualified people and abusers out there as well. Better to go through an agency that can do background checks, provide subs and take ultimate responsibility when issues arise. Did you know that hiring a private person makes you an employer and there are state rules that you must follow? I've used Visiting Angels for my aunts but I also have a relative close by them who also keeps me in the loop. I hope this info helps and I wish you all the best!