Anyone’s LO in assisted living or memory care doesn’t believe there’s a virus? What can I do?

If she is both hearing impaired and suffering from dementia, her reality and your reality are just not the same, and trying to convince her that your reality is right and hers is wrong is a waste of your precious time during your “visits”.

I know this because I’m living it. My feisty, tiny, tough as leather LO was diagnosed in March with Covid and she lived through 3 weeks with her “cold” and I lived about 90 years’ worth of worry at the same time.

Now, I’m THRILLED to see her, so that’s the first thing I say. The NEXT thing I say is that ...”I can’t come in. It’s not allowed!”

After stating that ONCE, I go IMMEDIATELY to what she’s wearing, how GREAT she looks, what she’s eating, what I did this morning that was fun, awful, too hard.....I talk about family activities, the weather, something I saw on TV. I don’t wait for her to interact, as I NORMALLY would, I just keep moving from one thing to the next. Aside from her dementia, and my worry, NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS NORMAL, so don’t worry about comparing these visits with what was happening before this nightmare started.

My “visits” are 15 minutes long, but my LO RARELY lasts that long, and THAT’S OK. When she starts getting annoyed, I say “I’ll be talking to you SOON (NOT specified), tell her several times that I love her and can’t wait to see her again,

She sometimes interacts with me meaningfully, sometimes not, sometimes pleasant, sometimes nasty. ALL GOOD- she can still talk to me, she!s gained 5 pounds, she’s virus free. I’m cheerful, super talk,

I’m BLESSED that she’s alive and improving. At present I’m expecting nothing more than seeing her face, whether it’s smiling or frowning.

YOU are giving your mom a wonderful gift by entering her life under impossible circumstances. Stay in the moment. Bring interesting things for her to look at, which may nudge her into responding. Take your focus off what she’s contributing and refocus on filling your time with ANYTHING YOU THINK MIGHT ENGAGE OR AMUSE HER, presented fairly quickly.

GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT. YOU DESERVE IT.

The last visit was the worse. I was armed with conversation topics. The minute I got there she was angry. Told me she wants to see a doctor. I explained the nurse just examined her. Spthey are all bShe’s doing great. Didn’t believe me. Got angry wanted me to leave. Wheeled away from the window. I tried talking. Changing the subject. Nothing worked. She started screaming she will find someone else who cares. Turned away. So I left. Her speech is bad. Can’t find the right words. I was upset all day Had an aid FaceTime me this morning. Asked me when I’m coming. I said I was there yesterday. Didn’t believe me. So this will be our pattern. At least until I can get her out for a visit. I guess this is Alzheimer’s. When I heard people say it’s so hard I thought it was Just about memory. But it’s so much more. As I’m typing this my phone rings. It’s my mom who sounds happy and like a her old self. It’s a horrible roller coaster

This whole thing is just awful. And the only things we can do to support them don't really seem to help much.
We had not seen my FIL for 2 months. He had vascular dementia and has issues being able to tell reality from fantasy so we elected not to visit via Facetime. He had issues with his vision and hearing so that whole thing would have been more of a mess. We also did not do window visits. His daughters who live out of state did call him but that was normal for him to have calls from them. For us to call, would have been more confusing than not seeing us. He was doing well there and was happy. He participated in activities and even when they made them isolated in his room, he was doing okay.
I know people are desperate to see their LO's but if they are upset during the calls or video chats, then maybe they are not helpful. Having them constantly reminded that you are not there, that you cannot see them during these calls is upsetting for both sides. If they are doing well when they are in the facility, and the staff does not report them crying and looking for you, then maybe it might be better to forego the calls. I was able to get updates on my FIL from the staff.

This is a huge problems, residents with dementia can't process or reason normally anymore, as a result many don't understand that families can't do in person visits at this time and often feel abandoned by their families.

One idea I had with some of my families in this situation is to asked the facility to place a speaker phone next to the resident. Then the family can call and the resident can both see them through the window and hear their voice. The hope is that the resident can make a better connection by both seeing and hearing their loved one. In some cases this has worked wonders. Other times the residents dementia has progressed to the point that they can't make this connection.

One of my homes stopped window visits and told the family they could no longer be on the property. The Administrator told the family they would set up a Zoom call or FaceTime for them to communicate. This resident had advanced dementia and her husband is legally blind. The family tried the Zoom call, we even had the Director of Social Services in the room to help work with the resident. Not only did it not work, the social worker said it appeared to scare the resident, I believe the reason this does not work for residents with advanced dementia is because when you are looking at someone on a computer you are seeing a two dimensional figure, in person you are three dimensional! This resident could not process a two dimensional figure!

I went to the administrator and then to the Corporate Office for this community and told them that this resident needed access to the window visit due to the fact that her advanced dementia would not allow her to benefit from computer visits or any social media including phone visits. I reminded the them that they are required to provide reasonable accommodations and that we tried the Zoom and FaceTime but they were not successful. The first response from the Administration was that all they were providing reasonable accommodations (Zoom Calls, FaceTime), they could not be held liable if the family refused their options. I reminded the Administration that what are "reasonable accommodations" for one resident may NOT be "reasonable accommodations" for another resident, remember this resident had advanced dementia and her husband is legally blind! (The family did attempt the Zoom call and it was not successful!)

Finally, after one week of advocacy with the Corporate Office of this facility, the policy was changed back to allow window visits with all the residents/families of that home, not just my client. The resolution was for the staff to bring the resident to a window in the main lobby, one concern was that families could open the window and in the resident's room and have contact with their loved ones, the window in the main lobby could not be opened. This resolution took care for the facilities fears and is allowing residents and families to once again communicate.

Please families, advocates don't give up! During this time we are going to face unique problems that we have never seen before. I believe there is always a resolution to every problem, we all need to join forces so love that our loved ones/clients continues to experience the best quality of life possible even during this Pandemic! We all have to think "outside of the box" to come up with unique resolutions to these unique problems!

I wish you all the best - stay safe during this difficult time.

Hi Val
Here is a YouTube video where Teepa Snow is discussing elders in facilities.
You might listen to a few of her videos to see if you can pick up some pointers on dealing with your mom.
This has to be incredibly difficult for you and your mom. I’m sorry.


https://youtu.be/t9e2AB6Yw1s

My Dad (who is in a Rehab. Facility) and my Mom at home just don't completely understand the situation. So I have started saying as soon as the Governor allows us to visit we will be there.
Seems to help to place the "blame" on someone else....

My mom is also in memory care and I FaceTime her as well.

Can you just tell your mom you will be there in a couple of days and change the subject quickly? Maybe you can show her things on FaceTime. I try to play with my dog some and show her that, show her pictures or items in the house. Write something on a piece of paper and show her that if she can't hear you.

Try to avoid talking about a virus or why you can't come as much as possible... have some things to show her.. she might enjoy just seeing you smile.

I also send my mom little gifts with a card in them (if the facility allows that).

I would recommend you tell her that you are sick and your doctor advised you to stay away from others because you don’t want to get her or others in the home sick. Tell her to put the hearing aides in the next time you want to FaceTime because your illness that you have is effecting your hearing but if she uses those you can hear her better. You just have to work around their mind sometimes to help them understand better. Don’t let the dementia be smarter than you. My gramma turned 98 today and also has Dementia.

I think I would quit visiting until you can visit in person. Don’t feel guilty about doing it because you aren’t helping her or yourself.

Does she remember when you are there? (mine never does - which is why I'm asking)..... If not, just say, 'I just left and I'll see ya in the morning!'......I wouldn't even try explaining it anymore. It's sooooo sad.....but, it's okay in order to keep her comfortable, by saying that you were there.