Is it a good or feasible idea to start a fundraiser to raise money to help keep my mother out of a nursing home?

You are living in a dream world if you think a gofundme fundraiser will raise enough money to keep your mother out of a nursing home. You also want to use it to raise money to buy a house? Again living in a dream world. You will never raise that kind of money unless you have a large network of friends and relatives with money to give away. Do you have any idea how much it will cost to keep your
mother at home when she can no longer take care of herself? Are you prepared to move in and sacrifice your life and your own health just so she can be at home?

Your family is right. And you haven’t thought this through. Making sure your parents are receiving the care they needs IS taking care of them even if they have to go to a nursing home.

SpoiledONE - I'm worried about YOU.

From reading your profile, you said you had a major back surgery and are on disability. You moved in with your parents to help take care of your mom who has dementia. Your dad acts like he hates you. Your siblings don't talk to you. Your parents are old and may soon need to go to a nursing home. Do I have all these correct? You mentioned you were self employed. Are you still working?

Are you able to take care of yourself physically? Are you able to support yourself without living with your parents? In other words, can you be on your own financially, physically and emotionally without your parents?

The chances of raising enough $$ through Go Fund Me to buy a house and pay for home help is pretty slim. Not in this environment when 35 millions or more people are unemployed. So, sooner or later, when your parents' health deteriorate enough that they need to move into a nursing home, you will be on your own. I highly recommend you plan for that impending future now so you won't be caught off guard.

You need to be able to take care of YOURSELF first, then you can take care of someone else. Your siblings think you are leaning on your parents. Prove them wrong. Show your siblings you can be independent without needing your parents.

Your parents need to go in a nursing home and you need to take care of YOU. A go fund me page is not going to work . We are in a pandemic. People are out of jobs. People don’t have money to give you for a go fund me fundraiser.

SpoiledONe, I think you are going into this without having done enough research on costs. Also, I think you are confusing Executor of Estate (which is the person who oversees the distribution of the Will after their death) with Power of Attorney (which is the authority a person assigns to someone to manage their affairs in the way that is in their best interests when they are no longer able to do it). If your parents are mentally competent they can (each) redo their legal paperwork making you their PoA. If they are not competent it is too late to do this and you would need to pursue guardianship (for 2 people, individually) through the courts. You would need a lawyer. The question is: are you the right person for this responsibility? Managing the care of 2 declining people and a home will be exhausting and non-stop expensive on every front. And, IMO, your parents will be isolated in a home with only you as entertainment and distraction. They will have much more socialization and activities in a care community.

To answer your actual question: fundraising will be a continual, ongoing thing to support a home and caregiving. The amount you will need is huge. What would happen if you did succeed in raising funds for a home, but not enough to cover all the other expenses, like taxes, insurance, special handicapped furnishings, ramps, repairs, lawn maintenance? You will also need a wheel-chair van for 2 people. And hire help so that you can go on vacation or have a sub when you're sick. If your parents qualify for Medicaid, all of this is taken care of for you and them, and again, they will be with other people.

My friend, I think you have romanticized their caregiving scenario. It is not a crime to desire to provide hands-on care to your LOs. But it is critical that you understand the reality of doing so. Please search the Caregiver Burnout topic on this site. Many a loving, well-meaning, determined, protective adult child has been ground down to a pulp trying to help even 1 parent, let alone 2. Please understand that the very blunt responses below to your question is because they have been there, done that, and don't want you to suffer the same. I hope you can achieve peace in your heart over this matter, and retain family relations and harmony in the process.

My mother had lots and lots of money and could have afforded a nice facility to live in her golden years. But things didn’t turn out that way. My mother was a gambling addict and spent every last dime at the casino. She has 0 savings. She chose the life she is living right now. She is 95 years old and lives in her house by herself. She is also a hoarder who doesn’t want anyone coming over. I go to visit my mother once or twice a week and my son goes over twice a week to take out garbage and bring in her mail. If the time comes that she needs to go to a nursing home, I am POA and I will sell the house to pay for her nursing home and then apply for Medicaid. It is not our problem that our parents ran out of money.

First, there's no way... like NO WAY... a Go Fund me will earn enough to pay for all that.

Second... they're going to go into a NH due to lack of funds? I don't understand that, it should be a health issue that requires Nursing Home care.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-lost-respect-from-everyone-my-family-seems-to-hate-me-and-my-father-treats-me-like-a-problem-455944.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-help-my-self-i-am-hurting-and-no-one-seems-to-care-i-would-go-for-treatment-of-depression-458226.htm

It looks like back in January it was suggested that Dad look into becoming a Community Spouse. Meaning Mom could get the care she needs and Dad wouldn't have to spend all his money caring for her.

I personally don't give money to strangers thru Go Fund me pages. I doubt others will either since there are options in keeping a LO in their home. If that doesn't work, then its LTC with Medicaid footing the bill.

Your posts are contradicting. This post you say "to use the house and anything else to care for Mamma and Daddy the way they want, in their own home with dignity and freedom." In the Jan post you say "I have lost respect from everyone; my family seems to hate me and my father treats me like a problem child. I am losing my sanity."

I feel you should be concentrating on you. You are out numbered when it comes to your siblings. In the Jan post u mention Dad is 80 so you are in your 50s? You have mentioned depression in your previous posts. Maybe the best thing would be to get out of the situation you are in. With your physical limitations and depression episodes you may not be the best person to care for Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad will not be here forever. Now is the time for you to get on with your life. As you get older it will be harder and harder.

With ur depression problems and now physical problems, maybe you would qualify for Social Security Disability. A SS lawyer cost u nothing. They receive payment from the retro payment you receive from the time you file and the time you are accepted. If you get it, you can still work but there is a limit on what you can make. This will get you Medicare and Medicaid for health insurance. There are low income apts out there. Food stamps, help with basic utilities. Your County Social Services can help there.

I have a friend who I have helped and have pointed her to the people who could help her better her life. I couldn't do it for her she had to take the step. But she always had an excuse why that won't work. Needed help with ADLs but wouldn't look into Medicaid in home care, didn't want a stranger in her home. Applied for the Senior bussing but never heard. I don't think she ever applied. I stopped volunteering to take her places. One of the best things I have learned in my 70 years, its don't "expect" anything from others. The best thing is just to do it yourself. Sometimes when you show people you are trying they are more likely to help.

When it comes to Executor of the Estate, that only comes in at time of death. An Executor has no authority before that. Even after the Executor has to follow the Will. If one of your brothers is POA, that too usually doesn't go into effect until the principle is incompetent. Immediate POA is rare. POA stops at death. Dad seems competent if still working. So he is still in control.

Picture what you would wish for your parents. Their belongings around them, having aides to help with personal care, meals provided, activities brought to them they can join in, 24/7 care. It's a lovely idea.

But to bring all this to a house they own takes a LOT of money. Also a LOT of organisation, which someone needs to do for them.

Do they have this? Most don't - & that's OK.

Another way is join together with others, take a bedroom in a larger 'house' to supply all the care, meals & activities in a group setting - it's more affordable & a lot of people really like the extra company.

Big changes are coming to your parent's life & also your life. I would think it may be of great benefit to talk to a professional councellor about the future. It must be a big worry for you where you will live? Talk about that too. What can you do to plan for your own future.

My own view is that is doesn't matter where I live. I can still love in my heart who I want to love. I can be useful to others but have my own life too.

Dad does not have to go through all of his assets. He needs to see an elder law attorney to prepare for when mom needs care in a facility. It will be well worth the.cost and he can get a free initial consultation.

Imagine if all the people that want to keep their loved ones at home started fund raisers. It is very expensive and there is a feasible option. Medicaid to get them the care they need.

I, too, read your profile. Never, NEVER post about family problems or dysfunction on Facebook! It will only serve to increase discourse and dysfunction in your family.

You are starting from a false assumption. (That dad has to use up all his money).

This is a bad idea all around. Please heal yourself and let your brothers deal with your parents as well or as badly as they can.

Can you get back to work outside the home, save up for rental deposit and get back to the business of living your life?