87 yr old dad with dementia won't wear Depends. He has difficulty getting them on correctly. What do we do?

mark the front of his depends, using nail polish in a color he can see well (not red - he could mistake it for blood). it only needs to be a spot. that way when he sees it he knows he has them on right. This would only take a few minutes to do and as you do each, they dry, put them back in the drawer and they're ready to go.
bathing is a problem with my dad too. He has developed a fear of water - which I understand is a part of dementia. I have him do a sponge bath - I have to be with him when he does it. I made mitts out of wash cloths so that he can use them easier and he doesn't have to hang on to them, they just go right over his hands. One for each hand, before washing he would need to sqeeze his hands with the cloths together to remover excess water. I use the sink for the soapy water and a basin for the rinse water. If you were to do that even once per week at least it's something. You can plan to bring his laundry back that day. If you were to put sets of clothes and lable them with the day of the week that he should wear them maybe he would change his clothing. I put my fathers clothes for the next day on a clothes tree so that he knows that what he needs to put on when he gets up in the morning. I hope some of this helps.
good luck

Imho, he may require facility living.

Try pull ups

Tookie, you sound like you're in the exact same situation I am. My dad is 82. His dementia was very mild until 2 months ago when he got a UTI, it sped up the dementia considerably and he is going downhill fast. Like you, he refuses to wear a depends, says he doesn't like them and has no problem sitting in his pee soaked pants. We can barely get him to shower once a week if we're lucky. He is refusing a nursing home at this point. We hired in home care, but he is completely non-cooperative. We have a DPOA and I'm ready to declare him incompetent, but I still can't figure out how I'm going to physically get him into a home. I feel your pain. My sister and I are at our wits end and don't know what to do anymore.

Does he need them because of poop or pee leakage? If pee, they have a pad for men that goes in front of underwear (like a woman's pad) to catch leakage and might be easier for him to just put in underwear before pulling them up. Since men are used to standing to pee, he might be resistant to sitting - but it will keep him from dripping all over his clothes. If he needs the full diaper, then open the bag and unfold all of them for him. Put a big X on the front and see if that helps. If he's having problems getting his feet in the holes, that is a whole different ball of wax. Try the X and tell him to put a pair on. See how he does. If it takes away enough of the frustration level, might help getting feet in holes. It he just can't do the feet in the holes - he is going to need help at home (or facility) whether he likes it or not.

He is resistant to what he needs to do, but is he incompetent and his mind can no longer figure out how to get a foot in a diaper? Sometimes elderly quit doing the full bath thing simply because it is too much trouble and exhausting. Sometimes they don't think they are dirty because they haven't done anything to exert or break a sweat. Would he shower off sitting on a shower chair?

If he knows what he's doing, then tell him these are the things that must be done everyday - brush teeth, etc. You have to take a bath at least 3 times a week. Can you do these things? If you can't, we have to get some help in here. If you don't want help in the home, you will have to move. If you really want to stay in your home, we have to make some changes - so what do you want to do. Tell him that it's you're job as daughter to make sure all this happens or you would be in trouble....maybe he'll consider. Hard talk to have with him, but must be done if he can mentally understand and make a choice for himself

Depending on level of dementia right now, he may not get a say so. You have to 1) get someone there to handle daily tasks or 2) get him to a place where he can get help and be safe.

OK. Gonna be blunt here. It might hurt.

The problem here is you.

When I’m confronted by a helpless situation, I sit back and say what’s the best for mom/dad? In my opinion, the best for him is to leave his current environment. Do you have caregiver guilt? Nothing is going to change if you keep doing the same thing over and over. It will get worse.

Having said that, put an action plan into effect.

Do you need a lawyer? Find an elder lawyer who has been doing this for a long time. Think of this: Do you see an eye doctor when your foot hurts? Why not, they’re both doctors?

Do I have POA in place?

Take action now before this becomes a bigger mess for you to solve.

First, disable the car by removing a spark plug, the distributor cap, or battery. Second, he is not safe to be home alone. Can you get him to accept "a friend of mine that needs a place to stay" or some similar thing that makes him think he is helping the caregiver rather than accepting help? Third, for the underwear, take sharpies and clearly mark the back, maybe even the leg holes, waistband,to make them easier to see. As someone else said, open them up and make them easier to put on, the way they are in the box makes them almost impossible to get out and put on.

Dad should not live alone but he won't move and I can't force him, yet. He doesn't want anyone in his house taking care of him. And frankly, I wouldn't want to stay in his yucky unairconditioned home either.

Seems he has reached the place where he can not live alone. When a person does not meet their own needs for hygiene, food, care of his/her home, managing their medications... it signals that they need more assistance. He needs help! Your choices are: move in with family, allow home health care aides, or move him into residential facility.

You can’t leave it up to him to do anymore. Either get home health aide in or look into assisted living facilities. Start taking tours at places nearby. Don’t wait too long or there will be an accident...either a fall or he forgot stove on.
Hugs 🤗

I have not yet read all the responses but....
87 with Dementia...He should not be living alone.
He should have a caregiver or be monitored 24/7 there are so many things that could happen. From wandering off? And would he know what to do if smoke detector or carbon monoxide detector went off? What would happen if someone came to the door asking to "use the phone to call for car service"?
At some point you need to make the decision for his safety
Move in with him, he moves in with you or he moves to Assisted or better Memory Care. Or he accepts a caregiver, this would at least keep him in his home. But there should still be someone there 24/7.

Ok..read the other posts...JoAnn29 is spot on!

As for the Pull up briefs...
Can you make a large X on the back so that he knows back from front?
Also before you put them in his dresser or where ever they are kept open them up and loosen them at the waist and legs. The way they are packaged they are compressed to save room and it is almost like they are welded shut. By opening them up it would be easier to gt his legs into them and it would be easier (especially with an X on the back) to get them on the right way.
If he is trying to put them up while standing that might make it more difficult as well have him sit down to put them on.

Just read your profile.

When you say your father would not accept an in-home caregiver, is this a conversation you've actually had with him?

If he's struggling with day to day life, and he doesn't want to move into Assisted Living, then that's his only option, really. Is the dementia diagnosis formal?

Great advice already here: in the meantime ( right now) , try pull-ups in adult sizes. I’m not sure of the brand name but they have adult-sizes in pull-on diapers. Try Walgreens and Walmart: they’re more expensive and have elastic or stretch at the waist.

Oh, I am also waiting for the report on all his neuropsych testing.

I have Furable POA. But I still can't force him into a facilty. As you say, i must wait until something drastic happens. I want to get him into Memory Care. He has glaucoma, which has been dealt with. I am waiting for eye dr. to send report to DMV, that will officially state his limited sight and get his driver's license revoked.

I hope you have POA. If so read it and see if it goes in effect when he is found incompetent to make his own decisions. If he has been diagnoised, get a letter to that effect. Some POAs require two. If not formally diagnosed I would try and get him to a neurologist.

Your father should no longer live alone. He has lost his ability to reason, process and comprehend. He is in his own little world. Since he is addimant in not leaving his house, you may need to wait for something to happen to put him in the hospital. Then you can tell them he can't be discharged back home because its unsafe for him. He needs to be evaluated for LTC unless u want him living with u. If he has no money, Medicaid can be applied for.

Its not what Dad wants anymore, its what he needs. If no POA it will make things a little harder. You would then need to go for guardianship. Its expensive, but I think Medicaid allows the use of Dads money for this. You can consult with a lawyer.

So sorry you are going thru this.