Brother insists I travel to care for Mom despite COVID-19, how should I respond?

Say you’re sorry, but your three best friends are telling you not to go. Your best friends’ names are Backbone, Self-Respect, and Nobody’s Doormat. Up Your Nose with a Rubber Hose and Sit On It also agree, since you wanted to be sure.

I think in the circumstances we are in, you are doing the right thing by having the professionals handle things. Don't let relatives dictate to you what you should do. Ignore them.

Don't do it. It is not their decision. it is yours.

What is healthy is to set boundaries and respect yourself and your needs as well as providing for your mother as you can. You are doing that via a care manager. Good for you!!!

There are healthy ways to respond, but a healthy relationship is not possible with unhealthy people, in my opinion and experience. So keep your distance emotionally and physically, detach from their demands, and continue on the path you have planned which is a good one. ((((((hugs))))))) I know it is hard dealing with narcissistic relatives.

It seems that the only response B and SIL want is that you will take over. They think you 'ought to'. It fully explains what's going on.

"No."

No is a complete answer.

Just FYI, my mthr referenced long dead relatives just because she had dementia. Her tiredness could come from a light case of Covid. And if the care manager has not seen mom to determine these things for herself, she could be fed these things by SIL to get you hooked into coming down.

My opinion: don't go. Tx is currently experiencing a big outbreak. If your mom passes, she has lived a good life but will avoid the horrible end game of dementia - the immobilization, lack of communication, and lack of bodily control. If you are there in person, there's nothing you can do to help that someone else currently close by cannot do better. If your mom is close to death, hospice should asses her, not you.

I see this as a manipulative move by SIL to bypass your "no." If you consider your "no, I can't possibly do that" to be final, stick by it. You can visit mom by FaceTime with the Care Manager.

You all have been so helpful. Despite the “theory that death is near because Mom says she’s tired” I’m not making any plans to travel this week or in the immediate future. I FaceTimed with mom and told her I loved her. I’ll do that every day that I can. I don’t feel safe traveling and I don’t feel safe with my brother and SIL. I have offered to help coordinate next steps in the care plan if things need to change from DC. I’m just going to take each day as it comes and do my best by my mom and for myself.

Do not give in ...stay away. Tell him you’re not a caregiver. I sacrificed my life for my 93 yo mother with dementia. I get abused every day. Big mistake I made discharging her from SNF 3 years ago. No appreciation from her whatsoever. Don’t do it. Hugs 🤗

I think Margaret nailed it & Nicole has it: SIL's has enough.

Now if SIL was writing here... "stepped in to take care of my MIL temporarily, find it's too much, need to back out". What would we all advice her? Pushback to the blood relative - her spouse. And so she has by the sound of it. And brother then pushed back to POA, his sister (OP). POA says time for a care home. So a plan is set... until.

Bro says STOP, no NH! He doesn't want that for his Mother.

So he needs to find an alternative. So far this has been to use his wife & try his best to bully his sister into flying into town.

The problem is here. With the brother's thinking - that he gets to direct others to do what he wants them to do.

He can't see it. It may be possible to start a fresh dialogue with SIL ??maybe?? IF she is reasonable? Gently point out the sticking point is actually her husband. But I think I would lean on the Care Manager & start the Care Home direction instead.

I agree that now is not a good time to travel and I don't see why your brother and sister in law would want you to put yourself and your mother's health in danger. If he calls or send text messages ranting I would inform him that living with mom appears to be a lot for him and his new wife and you are going to start researching facilities (unless you are moving to Texas to care for mom) and it is obvious it is overwhelming for the two of them. If you do go to Texas this may be a way for him to leave mom in your care and not return and then he won't feel like he abandoned her because after all you will be there. Don't fall for it. Everyone can't provide hands on care to a loved one and please don't feel that you are required to do so.

Tell him he has two choices:
1) Mom goes into a facility
2) He is welcome to remain there and care for mom because he made a choice to move in with mom so that she would not go into a facility.