Mother (92) reported son to Adult Protective Services to continue to spend big $ on things she doesn’t need. We want to walk away. Advice?

Why on earth would you keep giving her money?

My mom blew through her SS check each month on stuff she didn't need - then would call in a panic - she needed money for her senior apartment, car insurance etc. I would tell her she needed to stop spending her SS, give her funds, but the cycle never ended.

So i stopped - i could not change her behavior so i changed mine. I held firm - in spite of the crying, yelling, threats that she would kill herself, etc.

So she tapped my sister - who was then mad at me because i make more money than she does. I told sister - stop giving her money. Finally she stopped.

it took my mom almost getting evicted from her senior apartment to stop wasting money. I told her in no uncertain terms she would not live with me if she got evicted.

It was hard - the vitriol i had to take, she even got other relatives to call and chew me out.

But - she covers her own bills now. But still tries to get more money out of me for things "she deserves".

You can not change her. You can only change yourself. Stop giving her your moeny.

I would stop financially supporting her bad choices.

If she is competent enough to call APS she is competent enough to deal with the consequences of spending her money for non essential items.

People tend to need to have some pain before they willingly make changes. She sounds like one that needs a painful dose of reality to get the point across.

If it doesn't work, you are by no means obligated to financially support her. Let APS deal with ensuring that she is fed and cared for, she has shown you where she is willing to go to get her way, believe her. Elder abuse allegations are not something to take lightly or set yourself up for.

(sigh). When my late MIL said she would report her son (my DH) for "elder abuse"--he told her to stop smoking because she had COPD), he walked away.

Said "I can't afford a lawyer and if she threatens to disinherit me (she was on Medicaid), well, that's done, isn't it."

You CAN walk away from this mess. Sometimes that's what it takes for elders to get what they need from social services.

I would stop the "gravy train" right now.
If she can not control her spending that is on her.
I am guessing she is competent, (she called APS on her own and made a report) so she can understand a conversation where you tell her you will no longer fund her purchases.
I do hope her Independent Living facility is paid for before she goes through her money monthly. If not she may be looking for another place to live.

Those catalogs are so tempting for elders - for whatever the reason. I know exactly the type of thing you're talking about. When I was a kid, my mom used to call them "junk catalogs" when we would find them at my grandmother's house. Call them individually (phone number on the catalog) and tell them to remove your mom's name from their list. In my experience in doing this for someone, I learned the company may need a number from the mailing label so have that handy as well. If you want to go a step further and explain your situation to them, maybe they can remove her name permanently & she can't just call them to have the catalogs sent again. If she's getting a whole bunch of catalogs (as many elders are) it'll take her a while to notice that they are tapering down in number. This is not going to solve your entire problem, but it's a place to start. At least she will not have as many temptations to spend money.

Dont walk away

Run away

Dont give her another penny

I agree with Kimber. Stop giving her money!! No more!! Stop enabling her!! My 95 year old mother is a gambling addict. She blew through all of my fathers retirement money. Every. Last. Dime. Now all she has is her small social security check and a small pension from my father. My father died back in 1998. She can’t afford anything anymore. She blew through all the money!!

If she has dementia, as diagnosed by a physician, psychologist, licensed social worker, neurologist, or other trained geriatric specialist, she may well be at the point when she’ll need protective management and care.

If her behavior is different from when she was actually able to live totally on her own, someone will need to oversee her. Her lack of “appreciation” for your efforts may also be as the result of increasing cognitive failure. She may not realize that her spending is not under her control.

Why do you feel as though it’s in HER best interests to be backed financially? Her behavior is not appropriate, nor is her ability to respond to reasonable limits.

Telling her that she has no money left and the family will no longer paying her bills may be a litmus test for her and for you; she will either address the fact with some sort of appropriate accepting response, or will protest, possibly tantrum, and your
option then becomes moving forward with an assessment of her mental status and documentation which will low you to remove her identifying information from credit cards and any other payment sources that she’s using.

Did APS actually accept her version of the report that she was being mistreated?

Why not have her mail forwarded to your house or a p.o. Box? That way, you can trash the catalogs before she gets them. Have utilities deducted from her account.

Stop the money. Immediately