My cousin had the most mellow, easy to care for elderly mother (her father passed at a young age many years ago). Her mother rarely complained about anything, and whatever my friend wanted to help her with, such as taking showers, cleaning the house, hiring outside help when needed, etc, her mother would gladly accept the help. And her mother always expressed gratitude for her daughter's help. She also never played mind games with her daughter, was never manipulative or controlling, and never tried to make her feel guilty about doing enough, or about going out to spend a couple of hours with a friend. Her mother was always good-natured, had a positive outlook, and was always smiling and laughing.
Furthermore, my cousin has a sister and a brother who live nearby, and did their part to help with their mother.
Have you ever heard of such an IDEAL care-giving situation?? Of course, I certainly don't begrudge my cousin for having such a wonderful mother! But as I struggle beneath this enormous burden as a caregiver to my difficult parents who are in their 90's, I also struggle with feelings of envy and resentment. I'm ashamed to have such feelings, but it's so hard not to, when my parents are both driving me over the edge of insanity. I love parents, and they have been very good to me through the years, for which I am so grateful, but on the other hand, my mother has a "Jekyll & Hyde" personality, as she has what I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder, which has caused a tremendous amount of turmoil and anguish for me and the family, and my father is wonderful, but tends to be obsessive-compulsive, which drives me crazy. And I get almost no help from my sister.
From everything I'm reading here in this group and elsewhere online, it seems that the vast majority of elderly parents are very difficult to care for, and getting help from siblings is a very common problem, too. But have you ever come across easy-going elderly people, or are they truly a RARITY? What percentage of elders, would you say, is difficult versus easy to care for?
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At 93 it was Dad who said he wanted to look at senior living. As soon as I drove up to the first place, he said "where do I sign up". We went on tour, and had a free lunch. He was ready to move in. He was thrilled being around people of his own age.
Dad asked me to sell the house. When I asked him what to do with the remaining items in the house, he said just bulldoze everything down. "Ah, Dad, I don't think the HOA would approve", we had a good laugh.
When Dad had to move into Assisted Living/Memory Care, we referred to Dad's studio apartment as his "college dorm room" since Dad had all his books crammed in there :)
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My husband has gone through stages of defiance, depression, anxiety, clinging, confusion and frustration, which I think are very normal to experience. Sometimes, it has been very difficult on me. But, he’s not always like this, and more recently he seems to have found some peace. What’s nice is that every few days, he will thank me. This morning he serenaded me with Paul Anka’s “Diana.” 🥰 Life isn’t so bad.
She did everything I asked, never complained, followed all instructions and was truly a piece of cake to care for. Dementia stole her ability to converse much, other than the usual dementia questions: What day is it? Where am I going? What do I do? So we could not share memories, experiences, etc, but she remained easy-going until the day she died.
I attended caregiver support groups and heard the challenges most caregivers are experiencing. My caregiver job tied up my time and there were certainly a few moments of frustration, but I now realize that my situation may have been very unusual.
I am so sorry your days are so stressed. I commend you for what you are doing! Reach out as much as you can to outside support if possible.