Caregiver for grandma (94). Her children haven’t visited since before quarantine began. They are asking to visit. What to do?

I would check with her doctor and find out she what (s)he says.

I would also check with grandma, who, I gather, does not have dementia.

The thing is any visit could also compromise your health and you are a person in your own right who wants to stay safe (control your environment) and also grandma's caregiver. How well could you care for her if you are sick. How much care does she need. How concerned are you about getting the infection?

Personally I would say no especially to people who don't social distance and who want to sleep with grandma????? That's plain weird to me and would optimize the exchange of any germs.

I'm past the age when I worry about what others think of my boundaries. You have to consider yourself here as well as grandma.

Say no. Politely. Your obligation is to your grandmother, so do what your gut is telling you to do. btw, I think you are awesome for caring for her. Take care and hugs.

Your house your rules. Since you are the ones on the front lines who will be left holding the bag if your grandmother gets ill I think you have the final say, don't let anyone try to coerce you into casting aside your principles just because theirs are different from yours. I'm not saying don't visit, but figure out what needs to be done to allow this visit to be safe and stress free as possible (uhm, sleeping with grandma - say what???), if they truly want to visit they should be willing to abide by those restrictions.

What does your grandmother want? She’s 94. I started to post something very similar to what lealonnie said earlier but couldn’t find a way to say it nicely. Your grandma is 94!!!! What good do you think will come from keeping her isolated the rest of her life? I doubt she will still be alive before there is a vaccine and here immunity so....when will it ever really be “safe”? And if masks work, why can’t everyone just wear a mask and wash their hands?

The baselines about Covid and Covid care have shifted several times since we first heard of it’s ominous presence on our landscape, and one of the terribly unfortunate situations when making the what-to-do decisions is that one size definitely doesn’t fit all.

My LO was diagnosed after being exposed by a non symptomatic carrier, who didn’t have symptoms until 2 days after my LO was tested. She was ill for 3 weeks, and has now recovered is speaking to me via Face Time, and is beginning to seem much more herself.

None of her MC caregivers have seen anything unusual about her, in spite of an unrelated fall that required 11 stitches.

My OWN doctor is totally opposed to any outside exposure for my husband and myself, both aged 75 and in good health.

Granted, we are in a VERY bad Covid area, but I wouldn't risk exposure. It might be helpful for you to contact one of Grandmother’s health care folks, then blame them for saying that she should be isolated.

I think under the circumstances that it’s kind of cheesy of your aunts for putting you on the spot about this. If you can do it without starting WW III, stick to your guns.

If she ( mother 94) wants to see them let her. She’s 94! Let her see them. We have been getting my mom , 89 Groceries but she and went to the grocery store anyway. It’s her life.

Ummmmmm, no. The stay-at-home and stay-away rules are still important for everyone, regardless of how much your area has opened up economically. How will you feel if you say "ok, come on down" and then your grandmother gets Covid. It can be a gruesome death which you would feel responsible for. Are the nursing homes in your area open to visitors? That would be the rule I would follow -when they open the family can visit but not stay the night, restricted to one or two rooms in the house during their visit, wearing masks and 6 feet away from your grandmother at all times. My dad is 98 and a half and knows that he could die every night but he still stays put, alone in his apartment because he wants to live. Unless your grandmother is literally on her deathbed I'll be she wants to live too. Tell the family to send cards, pictures, do a zoom call each week but don't visit.

Your grandmother is 94; she's lived a great, long life as it is. The question is, what's more important right now? Seeing her daughters without ridiculous restrictions being imposed on everyone, or for her to 'be safe' and live to 100? That may sound callous, I don't know, but this whole situation is out of control, in my opinion, and likely to CONTINUE for quite some time to boot. My mother is 93 and lives in a Memory Care ALF and I haven't seen her in 3 months. She doesn't particularly care one way or another, but there are residents who live there that cry all the time because they're not allowed to see their loved ones.

See where I'm going with this?

I've had 2 aunts die of COVID19 now, both quite elderly and living in NYC. I personally feel like God takes His children home when it's their TIME to go. Covid 19 or no Covid19. It was apparently my Aunts' time to go, so God took them.

That's just my 2 cents on the subject, not necessarily your views or anyone else's. While we're all killing ourselves to keep very old people 'safe from harm', we're REALLY killing them in other ways ie: loneliness and lack of human touch and comfort. What does GRANDMA want to do here?

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

As you have said the family dynamics are a bit strained, I would talk to Grandma's doctor and ask him/her to write a letter stating that unless certain protocols are followed the visit cannot take place.

To put this in context. My Dad lives in a ground level suite in my brothers home. My brother has a wife (a doctor) and three kids under 12. Only my brother enters Dad's suite. Dad only leaves for medical appointments. I am not allowed to visit and I am OK with that. I am being very careful in my own life, but it is a 5 trip including a ferry ride to go visit.

I would say a very cautious "maybe" under very rigid conditions. All meetings with both of you are outside with everyone socially distanced. Gramma is upwind in the seating arrangement every time. No touching at all. No sharing meals together unless you are the one preparing and serving to your gramma (all meals outside). No one comes into the house or even touches a doorknob. Your gramma doesn't go anywhere with them or get into their car with them for any reason. If they balk at this, or you think for 1 second gramma won't comply or she might forget, then a hard "no". Especially if the family is planning to fly (a petri dish of germs).

My MIL is in LTC with covid. My own mother lives next door to me. These are the rules we put in place to keep my mom "safe". Even if the elderly "recover" from covid they often have profound lasting problems that forever degrade their quality of life, and many suffer a prolonged death from cognitive, respiratory and other problems. Ask them if they're willing to risk this for the sake of a visit?

The answer, were it me, is no.
The Covid-19 just entered the Assisted Living where my bro recently died. Just now after all this time, care, shut down, checking temps and etc. And it entered via a woman asymptomatic. She fell, and was diagnosed in the ER as covid +. Be sympathetic. But this is life and death now. Your odds are in your favor she would be fine; are they willing to gamble with her life?