So does anyone have trustee for a parent that lives with a sibling?

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marydys Asked May 2020

So does anyone have trustee for a parent that lives with a sibling?

I have another problem but maybe I'm making too much of it. My brother and his wife care for my dad. They do get paid for room and some care and now that I'm trustee I'm thinking of raising that. However, I had previously given them a debit card...which I'm sure was not abused... but they promised to give me receipts or at least explanations and they stopped doing that. So I 'unfunded it' until I can figure out a better way to handle this. Now I hear that my brother has taken dad's credit card (they have the same name). Again, no abuse, but I am supposed to be tracking and reporting stuff. I can't tell from afar who bought what.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

By the way, I have a very bad relationship with the two of them so I'm sure they are pissed that I'm asking for receipts. I'm a former Controller/CFO, it's built into my DNA by now.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Financial Planning Power of Attorney (POA)

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score 1 · Answer 1

You are the Trustee. I did this for my bro. You MUST have absolutely meticulous record keeping of what comes in and what goes out. That is required by law. Because they are NOT doing that, these bills now need to come to your name. I did this with my brother's bills. To be frank, there is no reason now for there to be a charge card in your father's name in these circumstances. All bills for Dad's care, for his rental, for his housing costs and etc. should come to you as bills and you pay them out of the Trust account. It is nonsense to do it any other way. If they require a spending allowance that is reasonable on a monthly basis if you understand what it is for.
One thing is business, the other is love. If they do not understand the duties of a trustee buy them a book.

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score 0 · Answer 2

Is anyone asking when he is coming back? Can you extend the stay and set up telemedicine appointments and get referrals for local doctors?

My dad has Medicare with a supplemental policy and he can see doctors wherever he is with no problem. If dad has an advantage plan you will have a difficult time getting him seen. But he could be cancelled for out of network and then he can get a supplemental policy without any exclusions for pre-existing conditions. It was cheaper for my dad to buy the supplemental then meet his annual deductible on the advantage plan.

Don't argue, just tell him that he will be all alone if he moves now and he will not be able to do anything, no visiting restaurants or family and he still has to pay the full amount regardless. Not a good idea to be isolated for an indefinite period of time.

Remember to breathe during this challenging situation. It can feel so overwhelming that you forget the simple pleasures that you have everyday.

My heart goes out to you, great big warm hug!

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score 1 · Answer 3

Oh Mary, that is such good news.

Why do they want a professional Trustee? Are they mad that you have been assigned by dad to have the authority? I don't recommend going that route, because you can't get the authority back if something happens to dad.

It is typically a percentage of the estate annually and billable hours. So you are right that it can be very expensive. This is something that you can research and get in writing.

I pray that this is the beginning of communication between you and the caregiver sibling to allow all of you to be able to do what you can to help dad and remain a family. Maybe a verbal agreement that you will listen to their input before decisions they feel passionate about are made.

Sometimes blowing things up is the only way to get to the bottom of issues and rebuilding. Everyday is a new start, so move on from the blow up.

Good job well done! Enjoy you week with your dad!

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Yes, it is good news in a way... but instead of "lighting a fire", I had to "light an explosion". Dad says now he wants to go to assisted living but, of course, now we're arguing about whether that's the right plan with Covid not being solved. I called the assisted living place just to see how they were dealing. We'd be paying a shitload of money just to have him be isolated in his little apartment and allowed to visit 6 feet from others outside (dad is nearly deaf and you need to get in his face). So, I want him to come here with me for the duration of Covid... I'm not going anywhere anyway. It's a problem if doctors are 5 hours away. It's a problem in a lot of respects, but he's kind of out of options while we all wait for a vaccine. On top of everything, I called around today to find people to help with dad's house in July, and the donation places aren't up and running so not sure I'll get it all done... all in all, dad caused all of this by not making any decision for 12 years and waiting until the last minute (or summer) to deal with it... and in the middle of unpredictable Covid! Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I'm certainly not good at gaining concensus. It's been a nice week with dad... he's very needy emotionally but easy otherwise.

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score 0 · Answer 4

Mary, it sounds like they are just going to be mad.

Sometimes you can't win and it sounds like you may be in this situation.

They are probably mad that you have all the authority, oh well, it was dad's decision to make and you were the 1st choice.

When you get the letters from the doctors and you have full control you may have to cancel credit cards and get tough about accounting for expenditures. Especially if they are being paid room, board and care, which you should not ask how any of that is spent. You just expense that out as is. It's the above and beyond that you have to account for.

Based on their behavior I think that you are wise to require receipts because they will be screaming misappropriation of finances when dad is gone and they will be blaming you.

Just curious, how long since they have had any respite? They may be in need of a break and they don't even realize why they are so mad. Just a thought.

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I know, I keep trying to get dad to come to visit me to give them a break but he keeps saying he has too much to do! (he is zoned out in front of the TV all day when he isn't napping)

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score 1 · Answer 5

I am the caregiver, and my sister handles all money. She has asked me to charge everything, and she sees credit card bills. I do not get paid, and it is my house. My mom pays a small amount of grocery bills.

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Thanks, I know everything recommends receipts, I just didn't know if credit card statements were enough (there are 8 beneficiaries and I'm crossing my t's and i's on purpose)

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score 0 · Answer 6

Writing up a Care Giver Contract with specifics that you are compensating for at what amount. Giving specifics as to what you want receipts for and why will help. It is hard to be the caregiver to be expected to keep track of every item purchased, it is difficult when you don't know what the expenses are. We have copies made of the receipts so that they can be reviewed and kept.

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That's a good idea but if I know them, they will think I'm micromanaging and blow up at me for telling them what they can and can't' do! It's seriously no win with them. I really want to take dad myself because it's so difficult dealing with him through them. Anyway, I will see if they at least respond to the offer and then follow up with the "proposed" agreement and make it two way... give them a chance to tell them what bugs them so much. I really give them too much leeway for follow through but sometimes I just can't and I need something done now. We live 6 hours from each other or else I would drive there and do it myself.

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score 0 · Answer 7

I would send a letter explaining why you need receipts, explaining that it is strictly for legal requirements and has zero to do with trust. We just had receipts with hand written notes sent to us, that way we could see what was purchased without any work for the other party.

Taking dads credit card is not a good solution. It could be construed as identity theft or financial exploitation. There is a better way to go about this. Give them viable alternatives for getting items paid for.

I think it is great that you are going to pay them more for everything that they are doing for dad. Put that in writing as well and send it with a check.

Acknowledging and compensating their caregiving can go a long way to mending fences. Being the hands on caregiver is stressful and your life is no longer your own. Being appreciated will create some goodwill. Well done!

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I talked dad into giving them a substantial raise just a month ago when things were going well. Now something came up that I required desperately and they never take my call so I tried email and text and voicemail and then they finally blew up at me in a very abusive way , so it made no difference apparently. I just want less hassle for me... and less hassle for them too if I can do it.

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So does anyone have trustee for a parent that lives with a sibling?

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