Joy2crochet Asked May 2020

My 89 year old mother has dementia and is otherwise healthy. She is on the toilet for hours at a time. How do I convince her she's done?

When she is on the toilet for hours she can't stand up. I have to lift her and assist her to the sink to wash her hands. I am concerned she is damaging the nerves in her legs. She is not aware of how long she has been there. We have tried monitoring her and in the evening putting her to bed. But she gets up during the night and we find her on the toilet when we get up. Then, she is still there for hours and insists she needs to be there. We have put a timer in the bathroom, but she turns it off and when we go in she doesn't understand why the timer was there. We explain why but she doesn't believe us. The only success I have had is flushing the toilet, waiting 10 minutes, then telling her she hasn't gone (after checking the bowl) and she needs to get off the toilet. I then start cleaning her up and then we lift her off the toilet because her legs are weak. This is not healthy for her and I am very concerned. Any ideas on what to do?

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My mom who lives with us is 95 and she too has a fixation about the bathroom. She uses depends, does not have a uti, she just has this fixation about the bathroom all day and all night. She can return to bed or chair and fall asleep briefly (2-5 minutes) and wake up thinking she needs to go. Yet we can take her somewhere and she can go several hours and not even ask to go. It is exhausting for her and us. Nothing has worked to stop this. It is just a fixation we have to deal with.

Helpful Answer (7)

You may have to lock the bathroom door and get your mother into Depends for the future. At night, you can purchase an anti-strip suit and get her into a Depends brief as well. Spending hours on the toilet is obviously not a good idea. And trying to explain to her why it's not a good idea isn't going to work. Dementia prevents rational thinking and no matter what you do or say, you won't be able to get through to her. If the toilet is her current fixation, remove the object of her obsession by dressing her in disposable briefs and telling her the toilet is broken. If you don't take an action like this, chances are good she'll fall off the toilet during on of these long visits and you'll find her on the floor with a broken hip or femur.

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (6)

My mother had dementia for years and also had severe mobility issues due to aging and rheumatoid arthritis. I just can't imagine putting her in an anti-strip suit, even at night, as there were many times when she needed to go to the bathroom during the night or early morning hours and getting it on and off or even pulling it down would have been an issue. She would also spend long periods of time in the bathroom on the toilet and resist efforts to tell her that she had been on there for long periods of time and needed to get off the toilet. Not sure what else you can do with that issue, as even having her doctor speak to her about it didn't help, because she wouldn't remember the conversation later on. I just think the anti-strip suit would be an additional problem. At least, it would have been, for us.

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Is it that she thinks she has to pee or poop? If pee, get her checked by her doctor. A UTI or other bladder condition can lead to feeling the bladder is not empty.

If poop, she may have rectal prolapse, which again should be checked by her doctor. It can feel like pressure near the anus and you cannot completely empty the rectum.

once she has been checked by her doctor, or while you are waiting for an appointment, put a door chime on the bathroom door. This way you will be woken up and can attend to Mum in a timely manner.

Helpful Answer (5)

Once medical causes (UTI, anal dysfunction, etc etc) have been ruled out by her doctor, consider locking the bathroom door when you're not there but providing a bedside commode that is adjusted to a lower height that doesn't cut off her lower limb circulation. I put a baby monitor in my mom's room so I could tell when she was moving about. As time progressed, I set up another baby monitor in reverse (yes, I'm talking about two baby monitors - - much easier than walkie talkies, where buttons have to be pushed), so that I could speak to her without getting up. Saved my sanity, I can tell you, and a little bit of my ability to sleep. When you are caretaking 24/7, you begin to sleep with one ear open, so to speak.

Helpful Answer (5)

Could be UTI, retention, constipation, some other medical issue - or - could be her current fixation. Sort of like the brain messages that she needs to go are in a loop. This fixation may pass & then she becomes incontinent.

Until then, yes locking the bathroom door & try distracting onto another activity if she has just been.

The flushing toilet working makes me think her brain's stuck & the noise 'unsticks' her. Getting mentally stuck happens. Try big visual clues to move forward. "All finished now!!" Flush. Taps running to wash hands. Use a bright coloured hand towel to get her attention. Now it's time to ....

Helpful Answer (5)

This may be an obsession, in which case she'll move to a different one in time, or it may be a physical health issue which needs addressed. My only input here is to be careful about locking doors. My mom went through the obsession about locking the door: bedroom AND bathroom. Of course, no way to explain in her poor broken brain state the dangers of locking herself in. We just reversed the doorknobs so they now lock on the outside. She moved on quickly from that obsession and we rest easy that she won't fall in either room and the door be locked against our getting in to help her.

Helpful Answer (5)

That's that's a horrible situation to be in I know, my dad does it also he uses the bathroom and 10 minutes later he's forgotten he's used it and he thinks he's constipated, he can go two times in a day and swear up and down he's constipated, he wears himself out going back and forth to the restroom all day long , and he also sits there for long periods of time by the time he's through he's so weak he can't get up so my prayers are with you and if you find out what to do please let me know God bless

Helpful Answer (4)

My dad did that last month for the first time. Guess what . He was constipated. He kept going to the toilet and not having any success passing stool. Please give him some Vitality CALM about 1/4 tsp to start and an enema while laying down to soften the hardening stool that’s bottlenecking the exit. But he can get a heart attack if the CALM is too effective and the stool is too packed or got too wide waiting in the rectum to pass . It has to be softened first . Ask the doctor what’s the most gentle way to get the stool out because your dad is right . He feels the sensation to go but it’s not coming out for whatever reasons . Lack of balanced electrolytes usually .

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I would find some way to put a diaper on him. Another thing is to consider locking the bathroom or standing by so you can time the person. Then tell the patient someone else has to use the toilet. If they can't get up by themselves, that is bad and I think it is time to go into a facility. You should not have to lift someone who can't or won't get up - what will happen to you. This is not a good fit - this person needs to be in a supervised facility. And put some kind of a bell or device that makes noise during the night if the patient gets up and leaves the bed. This is terrible - you cannot put up with this any longer.

Helpful Answer (4)

My mother was the same way. He bladder was dropping out which made her think she was going. Every day, her bladder needed to be push back up into her vagina. You might want to check this out.

Helpful Answer (4)

Redirection--…. Normally at an Assisted Living Facility-- two caregivers are supposed to help someone use the bathroom. Doesn't always happen but they do not mess around because they are infinitely needed elsewhere. If she is in such terrible shape that's probably where she needs to be. You can get here there by telling her she won a free weekend visit. I just lost my mother who was 88. She took 20 years to leave us. I am just now recovering from the stress. It gave me Meniere's Disease. Tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound test to see if I have a blood clot in my left leg. One should punish one's self just because one is related to a person who is in such bad shape. But my sisters and I did.

Helpful Answer (4)

DugganB,
You are a Saint for seeing after your Mother’s detailed needs for So Long!! I have to admit that it’s been a few years since my mother passed away in Memory Care, and I do think of some fond memories of her, but I’m mostly relieved. Her life was sucking the life out of me.

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My 89 year old mother has dementia and is otherwise healthy. She is on the toilet for hours at a time. How do I convince her she's done?

25 Answers

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