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Deneanlp Asked May 2020

Need some help with a toxic elderly mother. Any advice?

I take care of my mom 82, my dad 90, in their home for the last 7 years. My son and his family moved out here on the property to find a better life. They have been here for 6 years. And they help me out alot. But my mother does not want them here any more. She is getting mean and violent to my son and his family. They live in a trailer on the property, but teenage grandkids live in the house with me. No room in the trailer. My mom called the police to have me removed from the property. No one has shown up to the house yet. Maybe on monday? Anyway what are my options on dealing with her behavior. My son works full time. So he is not around that much and on his days off he helps me around the property. My grandkids have 4H animals they take care of until fair. So it's not like we can just up and move. One thing is we would need more money to find a place. She does this stuff once a year. She wants to have me all to her self and no noise and no kids. She said its her house and she can do what she wants. I'm at a loss as to how to handle her.

Daughterof1930 May 2020
Your mother has dementia, correct? Has she had a recent medical checkup that included discussing with her doctor the mean and violent behaviors? She can’t change with dementia, sadly, it will only get worse. But there are medications to help calm her acting out. She also needs a consistently calm environment, how’s that going with teenage grandkids around? Hoping they are respectful and understanding of her situation.

JoAnn29 May 2020
Your profile says both parents suffer from a Dementia. Which means there is no reasoning with Mom. It will be hard to explain to her that you need your son to do things around the property that you can't. When the police come, just tell them Mom suffers from Dementia and you are the Caregiver. Without you and Son, Mom and Dad would be vulnerable adults.

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peace416 May 2020
I was going to advise that you tell her that if your son & family leave, you will go with them. Since, as you say, she wants you all to herself so telling her that, may change her tune quickly. However you also say she wants you removed from the property. Has she been diagnosed with cognitive issues? If so, she so she may need meds.

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