I can't deal with my mother's nagging anymore. When I talk to her about it she gets dramatic. Advice?

My youngest son is 28 years old. He lives at home with me because he has developmental disabilities and has autism. I went to court to be his legal guardian when he turned 18. Before this pandemic he was working at a bakery and paying us rent and always does chores that I ask him to. If you don’t have a disability and your parents aren’t your legal guardians AFTER age 18, you shouldn’t be living home!! My older son is 32 and hasn’t lived home since he was in high school. He was in the military and went to college and has a good job in NYC. Not once did he move back home.

Get a job and move out. You are 30 years old. Move out of her house and live on your own and pay your own bills.

Well your social work education can begin at home. Is it time that another meal service can come in? There's plenty of businesses that cater to delivery of ready made meals. If there are things at home that need to be done? Use your project management skills and draw up a list map out the tasks and deadlines. Seek resources. At 67, she still can learn to respond or improve communicating her needs. The ball is also in your court to guide the course of your relationship. The nagging is only a hurdle believe me. Aging needs gets more heavy duty over time.
I wish you strength and a reminder to self care, self care, self care.

Well, from your mother's point of view, she's hurting, she's tired, she's working full time and has two adults living in her home who she's asking for help from, and apparently not getting it.

I am 63 and have had 1 hip replacement so far. Bone on bone pain is like nothing else. Throw in a shoulder surgery AND working full time and asking for help around the house & dinner to be prepared when she gets home from work doesn't sound like much to me.

You are 30 years old, living at home with your folks and complaining about it? Move out, that's my suggestion. If my kids were living with me and giving me grief about helping out & then accusing me of nagging them at the same time, I'd ask them to please move out ASAP. That's the way it should be when one enters adulthood.........they move out and do everything for themselves. Sounds like your mom is hoping you do move out by asking you about what jobs you have lined up.

Good luck!

I've been there before. What I tried to do is to be as helpful as possible. Maybe, you are doing things that she hasn't noticed, so, do things that she will notice. Are you your father's caregiver? If so, that does change things a little.

If you are not dad's caregiver, I'd try to be more thoughtful of her. Maybe, put some flowers in a vase and have dinner ready a couple of nights when she gets home. Do the laundry, after asking. Or ask her, if she'l write down some thing you can do to help her out. Showing compassion and eagerness, goes a long way.

She may be worried that you can't get work. Maybe, she's anxious for you to get more independent. I get it. If you're not happy there, I'd consider taking a job that is not in your field. Many people do it, to make ends meet. It would enable you to contribute to the household expenses. THAT might really help her relax more. I'd just consider that when you go out and work all day, come home and still have to do chores, when others are there not working.....it can cause resentment. I'd be sure to tell her how much you appreciate her sacrifice.

Trying to read between the lines here.

Mum is 67.
Mum has chronic pain.
Mum is still working fulltime.

OP is 30
OP is not working
OP has not found SW jobs to apply for. Is OP applying for any jobs at all?

Mum expects that dinner will be made by OP or her husband when she gets home from working all day.

Mum expects unemployed 30 year old to be doing house hold chores while Mum is at work.

Mum also expects Dad, (is he employed), to help out too.

OP and Dad do not feel they should have to prepare meals or do household chores as requested by Mum.

If I were Mum I would be kicking you both to the curb.

If you live with her, her house her rules. If you don't like it move out.
Sorry, I would want you to be out of my house at 30 if you weren't working and being testy because you are expected to contribute to the household while I work and pay the bills. Time to get out!

Do you live with your mother? If so, you need a plan to get a place of your own. If your mom needs help then she can hire caregivers to come in and help her. You are 30 years old. You don’t need to take care of your mother. Time goes by quickly. You don’t want to wake up one day and find out you are 50 years old and still taking care of your mother. You need to take care of YOU!

Your last post you said you are seeing a therapist. Is she/he not telling you how to deal with this? Maybe Mom needs to see a therapist.

Boundries...seems Mom has been spoiled by dear Dad. You need to be firm and tell Mom you need to be in bed by a certain time. You have internship, school and work. That in itself is enough for anyone person. Is there someone you can stay with, an Aunt or grandmom for a while. Till u get school and internship out of the way?

Suggestions:
1) Work out which jobs she can do, and agree with your father that neither of you will do them. She needs the exercise, among other things.
2) Think about what can be skipped. Get frozen meals, or cook in bulk and freeze portions. Pick something that Dad likes if you can. Get your mother to get them ready for the plate. If she doesn’t like them much, it will give her an incentive to start cooking again rather than being waited on.
3) Remember that compulsive cleanliness is not necessarily a good thing. Don’t do the jobs on demand – when you get home from work, or when she gets home from work? It’s a bit confusing.
4) If she keeps asking difficult questions about your job search, walk out of the room.

You need to push hard, so that slavery doesn’t become permanent. Good luck!

Do you live with her? If not just stop answering the phone when she calls. If there is an emergency there is a number to call for that...