Mom is 85, blames me for everything in her life and it is becoming unbearable. How do you all cope?

Do you really need to visit her daily and call her twice?
Finances can be done online. Grocery shopping can be once every other week. If you set up her meds can she take them on her own? If not maybe assisted living might be in line. Doctor appointments? Can you make them all on one day to lessen the visits?

You need to back away a bit. She abuses you because she knows she can count on you being there. Stop being there all the time. If you are there or on the phone and she gets nasty leave/hang up. It really is as simple as that. You just have to get in your mind that it is ok to do that. You are the one with the power here so start acting like it. You get to call all the shots, not her. If she starts crying tell her you will visit again when she is feeling better and LEAVE. You know she is trying to manipulate you. She gets away with all of this because you let her.

You may need to reframe your thinking. Many of us hit this juncture when taking on caregiving responsibilities. It starts out as just a little help. Little by little it overtakes your life, and you can’t figure out why because they are “completely independent” except for...

except for meds and dr appointments
except for finances
except for groceries

Look at that list. Even if that really is all you do for her, there is no way that signals an independent person. An independent person would not need to see you daily and THEN have one to two calls on top of all of those things. That is a dependent person for whom the ILLUSION of independence is being propped up by you.

I am sure others will have some pragmatic tips. I just want to encourage you to re-examine what the real definition of being independent means. Once you see the high level of dependence you are supporting and how that ties into the dementia that has been diagnosed, you might be able to more clearly see the options available to move forward.

It is easy to get stuck in the weeds of caregiving. Sometimes, you just have to pick your head up out of those weeds to get a better view of the big picture.

You cope by cutting DOWN on all the visits & the phone calls & by recognizing the emotional blackmail routine she's laying on you with FOG........fear obligation & guilt. Check this out:
https://positivepsychology.com/emotional-blackmail/

Your mother is not, by the way, 'independent' at all since YOU are doing the grocery shopping, the finances, the medical appointments & the medications! What does she do 'independently'? Use the toilet? She needs to be in Assisted Living where she is paying others to take care of her. Not wanting outside help but needing outside help is another matter. If you make yourself unavailable, then she has no other choice but to be placed in AL. I've told my mother I work full time for years now so that she thinks I'm not available.......if she thought otherwise, what's left of my life would be even FURTHER ruined by her nonsense.

Check this out:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

Once you're able to identify the games mother is playing with you, THEN you can develop a strategy to take care of YOU and deal with HER accordingly. Until then, you think you 'owe' her and you're somehow 'guilty' of not being a 'good daughter' b/c you've been brainwashed & programmed accordingly your whole life.

Wake up and smell the coffee, my friend. Learn from all of us who have suffered with mothers like this for decades. We're not experts, by any means, but we've learned a few tricks along the way to save our sanity!!

Good luck!

Are you my twin?! My mum is the same - even the same age. She chose to move to AL a few minutes from us three years ago and has made no attempt to make friends or any kind of life for herself there; she has used vertigo as a reason for giving up walking and expects us to provide all her transport and social/emotional needs. And she is seldom satisfied with anything we do, although she favours my husband and treats him as a surrogate for my dad, which causes tension between us. We got carers in for a short time every week last autumn as we were going away and it was all getting too much for us (we're not young ourselves!), and she played the guilt card about paying for it, but this care has kept her alive in coronavirus lockdown when we haven't been allowed into the building (bliss for me, I am sorry to admit). Based on past behaviour and research we now think my mum is a narcissist and she may have mild dementia, certainly cognitive impairment as both mind and body are seizing up from lack of use. We think she is probably depressed and actually took her to the doctor to talk about it, but she managed to evade the issue and nothing changed. She resists any attempts to help her help herself, while expecting others to help her.

We have reduced the visits we make - and she of course complained to my brother about being abandoned. She sees cleaner, hairdresser, carer most weeks so actually has more company than she did in our old family home. I am seeing a counsellor to try to break the deeply ingrained habits of feeling that it is my responsibility to make her happy and I'm a bad person if I don't do whatever she wants (then drowning in guilt because I can't and feel so resentful) - and actually would prefer not to see her at all, as she is now so negative and aggressive about almost everything. I am sadly dreading the easing of lockdown, as she will no doubt expect us to be at her back and call again, but am trying hard to create emotional distance to protect myself.

I find sites like this very supportive, as they make me see that I'm not alone.

I was in the same boat you are in. I was grilled on every part of My Mom's life - bills, money, medicine, shopping, laundry, housekeeping. They want complete control over you and your life because they are your mother and try to make you feel guilty. I broke out in rashes from the stress and stomach problems. My mother told me she was bathing, washing clothes, basic housekeeping and changing clothes. None of that was true. She smelled bad, dirty clothes were piled up in the closet, apartment was a wreck and she did not sort out her medicine or take it consistently. I refused to bath my mother or do her laundry. I was sorting her medicine and visited her once a week. I could only tolerate the visit for an hour and had to leave. Too stressful. She clung onto her checkbook with a tight fist. Had to sit and go through each bill individually and write out checks. The next week she could not recall at all what bills were paidI She have you go through every transaction in her check book. Really??
I found this great company SIMPLEMEDS that sends a FedEX box every 30 days with all the medicines presorted in sealed individual packets labeled for am/noon/pm and what pills are in each packets. Wonderful! If she didn't take the medicine that was on her.
I hired a senior service company to come in twice a week for bathing, laundry and housekeeping. Told Mom she was their boss and to make sure they were doing what they were paid to do. If she refused service that day they would charge her anyway. UhOh that means they will call daughter and tell her that. Their office is located inside the senior facility the lives in! Wonderful.
Due to Covid-19 and not being able to come into the facility, every bill was paid online or used a debit card to purchase groceries (clothes soap,etc- no food) leaving them at the front door of the facility to be delivered to the residents room. I would send her a print out of the expenses from the account once a week. Never commented on anything purchased or paid.
Moved her to a wonderful Independent living facility July 2019. Independent living is just that from the senior living facilities point of view. They check on them once a day and will call you if there is an issue and keep you updated if there is something affecting the entire facility (like COVID-19). If the resident can't do certain things on their own, the facility will give you a list of services with additional costs to help the senior out.
Setting boundaries is a must. You must stick to them. Take control and don't back down. You need to have a life of your own. You need to take care of you first.
They will tell you "I am your Mother" and bully you. No you are not the Mother who raised me. You sit in the room all day and watch television and lecture me based on what the tv says, do not go to any of the activities, do not make new friends, find fault in everything anyone does for them, complains about the food the facility serves (I have eaten there and they have a wonderful chef). It is everybody else's fault on their situation. They are not happy people and they want everyone else to be miserable and agree with them. Wrong! Prayer is very helpful - ask God to give you the wisdom and strength. You will know the trigger points when you feel your blood pressure rising. Change the subject, make an excuse to get off the phone or tell them you will have to check your schedule and get back to them. If they get fussy with you, tell them nicely-calm voice-slowly- you do this because you love them and care about what is the best for them.

You have basically got an octogenarian toddler on your hands. Like a toddler, she is throwing tantrums for attention. Ignore her.

Go two days without contacting her. Then try calling again. If she starts another tantrum, hang up and wait another few days then call again.

My dear you need to set boundaries. She will be unhappy no matter what so it’s up to you to give yourself space. Read the book Boundaries by Townsend. It will transform your life.
I personally would limit myself to one phone call in the evening to chat how her day has been. If you have dropped in at her place that would replace the phone call. Keep your sanity and your emotional health intact. Been there and things are much better now that I’ve set those boundaries!
When my parents were all set to move into a seniors facility my dad up and decided he would cancel the agreement and buy another house. My siblings and I put our foot down and told him to go ahead and buy a house but mom was going into the seniors home. Big kerfuffle but in the end he went in and likes it there but won’t admit it much. They are both nearly 90 and mom really needs assisted living. She refuses to have anyone come in to help. They pay me to do their housework and make meals etc but I really have set clear boundaries. If she ends up falling in the shower, that will be on her. I’ve tried my best.
And my sister who lives 1200 kms away is the golden child who does no wrong 😂

Seniors can act irrational for any number of reasons. Maybe it’s something with her personality or something new. Has she had an evaluation lately? I know that when my LO got dementia she became very difficult. You couldn’t reason with her. And, she’d forget we had spoken, so it was never enough calls in the day. She forgot her medical conditions and would blame me for things I didn’t do. She worried and cried a lot. Someone asked me if she had dementia and I said no way! But, I was wrong. That is what it was. I got her to a doctor where she was diagnosed and later she went on medication for anxiety and depression. It helped her A LOT. The worrying and crying greatly decreased. But, there were still symptoms of dementia.

For me, I learned to adjust my expectations. Rarely can you make seniors, who are suffering with health issues perfectly happy. I asked myself what was reasonable, under the circumstances. Then, I used that as my guide. Setting boundaries and then enforcing them might help. I doubt she can understand or abide by any request to respect boundaries....I’d just make it happen. You are in charge of your life.

Nitsirk,
OMG! You have a lot of friends here that understand exactly what you're going through!
Many of us have narcissistic parents, but narcissistic Mothers seem to be prevalent.
Through this site I finally learned that my Mother is a textbook narcissist. After lots of online research and advice from folks here, I am (slowly) learning coping skills.
Going "grey rock " has been the most effective (and hardest) thing for me. Easy to find online.
Start with setting small boundaries. Then stick to your guns!!
I know it's hard, but don't engage in arguments with her!! If she is a narcissist, she thrives on!! You will never win!
I am still struggling with my Mom's verbally abusive behavior, however, there are ways to help deal with it.
God bless!

As Lealonnie 1 (and maybe others as I haven't look at all the comments yet) recommend: start educating yourself about narcissistic mothers. There is a website called daughterofnarcissisticmothers.com which is very good and there are a ton of videos on YouTube that will really help you.

Yeah, we (those with the narcissistic mothers) are learning late in life. We didn't have the internet. The best we can do is move forward trying to give ourselves a little of the love we never got and never will get from our mothers.