My sister & mother lived together for many yrs. My sister passed and my mother expects me to stay. I don't know what to do.

No one deserves abuse, even when it’s coming from someone with dementia. Your mother’s care needs are beyond what you can reasonably provide. She needs full time care from professionals who are trained for her needs. Contact the aging services department of her county and tell them she’s a vulnerable senior with dementia. Tell them her needs are beyond what you can provide and she requires a needs assessment, looking towards placement with a place that takes Medicaid. Don’t discuss this with your mother, it will be an endless argument you can’t win. If by some chance she’s found to be competent and refuses placement, then go home. She will have to find on her own that she requires help and you will have already done what you can to provide that. You’re not required to give up your life to provide for hers

You are not your sister. What worked for her and mother doesn't work for you. Begin the process of placing mom. She'll be mad, but expect she'd be mad no matter what you do.

Can she be left alone if you need to go home? I know finding a proper placement takes time.

The longer you stay the more enmeshed in this mess you'll become. If you can, get a daily CG for a couple of hours and do the rest of the stuff from a distance. You won't need to come back until she'd got a place, if you want.

And DON'T broach any arguments from her. She doesn't get to hit you b/c you're not meeting her expectations.

Sooner or later Mom will need more help than you may be willing to provide. I would do what Daughter suggested, especially if you have no POA, you may want the state to take over guardianship.

You are not to give up your life now for your Mom. You should assist by getting together what her finances are with her, and helping her find a good assisted li;ving or independent living situation. Be gentle but be firm. Say that you came to help, but now you wish to return TO YOUR OWN LIFE. And that you will do what you can to help your Mom move to a better safer living if that is what she wishes, but that you will not be staying. It is simply "I love you Mom but I am unwilling to give up my own life to stay here with you". Don expect the response to be happy. It will not be. You are not a Saint. You have every right to your own life. Gentle firmness and your own ability to grow up and realize you are NOT responsible for your mother; You can love and help her, but you cannot sacrifice your life. Remember, Sainthood is a real bad job description with a real bad outcome. Always. Lay down the law gently, give her a time limit for moving forward. And Tommie, having read down further it sounds to me that you are close to the ER DUMP action of taking Mom to ER or calling ambulance, telling them Mom is combative and ill, having her go to ER where you will demand a social worker and tell them that you can no longer stay with your mother and she is not safe living on her own. That to discharge her alone is unsafe and that you are leaving and will not be responsible for her, having to get back to a partner who is ALSO ill. Tell them that you cannot accept her back home into your care. That is it. That is the point that the social workers are called in and state guardianship is applied for. It is then on the SYSTEM to work out where Mom goes. She cannot go home alone clearly, and you are not to stay or come back. That is no answer, sacrificing your life and getting beaten to death for doing it. Nope. Nope and nope.

Firstly, I am so sorry you lost your sister.

Secondly, I'm so glad you are reaching out for help.

You need to return to your life AND you must stay & care for your Mother. Holding these two thoughts/ideas together is causing h377! How can you do both?

What if you changed the thought a little: You will care for your Mother. Remove the word *stay*.

Separate the idea of 'caring' from being her 24/7 maid to a loving daughter who calls, visits sometimes, speaks to her medicos by phone & arranges new clothes etc by mail when she needs them.

How does that look?

The facts I see: This is basically an emergency situation. Your sister & Mother's fulltime carer has sadly passed away. Mother needs 24/7 care. She can't afford or organise private pay in-home carers. You can't do it because you live elsewhere. Therefore the only option I see is placement in a care facility. She is aggressive & abusive (we know it's the dementia) but that will be enough to advise her Doctor she is being delivered to a hospital as *she is a danger to herself & you*. I don't usually recommend an ER Drop - but I do here.

Come back & update.

With regard to Medicaid, Georgua is a state in which you can create a Miller Trust to get your mother's income under the cap.

Start out by taking mom to the doctor and explaining to her/him that mom is attacking you physically and that you will be leaving to go back to Texas.

Ask the doctor to order a psychiatric evaluation for mom to get her agitation under control through meds.

Ask for a "needs assessment" to find out if mom meets the criteria to be in a nursing home.

Go back to Medicaid and ask for help in creating a Miller Trust.

Thank you dear hearts for y’all’s input & caring advice. I am 66 & worked to supplement my social security which is under 1000. a month for i waitressed most my life so I have no $ for caregivers. My mom gets $1028.& in Ga. they told me she makes $28.00 too much for Medicaid. My lil home in Tx my beau owns & is a 1 bedroom cottage. He is in pretty bad health himself & there is no way we could live with mom there if we had room. She rents a home in Ga. & can barely pay the rent. She can’t do a thing for herself except use the restroom, thank Heaven & get drinks from the fridge. She seems barely able to walk with her cane but when she gets after me she moves just fine trying to hit me with it. My arms are all bruised & cut from her attacks . Then she is so pitiful & sad & says please stay . I have tried to find nursing homes but there is no money to pay.& this virus is so bad in the homes I am afraid I send her to her death. God help me I wish I could go home but I can’t leave her alone.

If she gets violent, Assisted living won’t take her. First get her stabilized with correct medication. Take her to Neurologist & he/she will prescribe. Other wise, you have to take her to ER & do 3 day hospital stay for nursing home placement. They may recommend first psych hospital stay to stabilize first if she’s not calm. To avoid this, get her to neurologist to stabilize & calm her. Don’t stay with her forever & ruin your life ...get her to the proper place & then when she’s ok, leave! Keep in touch by phone & that’s how you check up on her. Get poa & Health proxy. Sign a DNR. Hugs 🤗

Your depression has you paralysed. There is low cost assistance available to get this setup.

Call the Area Agency on Aging. And contact others that can help that are familiar with Georgia rules. You can do this with proper help.

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-georgia/

I kind of scanned the replies. But 1000 a month for a Medicaid cap does seem really low. In NJ it's approx 2300. I read where the average in the US is 2000. I would call your local Medicaid office to confirm.