EllenCaruso Asked June 2020

Parents are angry that I cancelled plans to have them stay with me for a long weekend. Thoughts?

Husband commutes into NYC every day and I am concerned about exposing them to COVID through him in our small home. With rain expected we will be even more confined and I am not wearing a mask for three days in my home. So much anger from them, what I thought was acting in their best interest has now become an act of selfishness on my part according to them. I have lost perspective. Please help.

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You'll just have to continue explaining your logic to your mother, whether she understands and accepts it or not. If she's plugged in at all, she knows about Covid-19 and the restrictions we've all been subjected to for months now. You're doing this for their safety and health, and due to the fact that they're elderly & your DH can easily bring the virus home with him as a city commuter.

The next time you make such an offer to your folks, IF you ever do, I'd make it clear that it's contingent upon certain criteria being met. Only IF the conditions are right will you risk taking them in for a long weekend.

I'm sure they'll get over their anger eventually, since it's probably just disappointment they're truly feeling. You're doing the right thing, so try not to lose perspective and just keep their best interests at heart, just like you have been. Crazy how parents can make us feel like The Bad Guy so easily, isn't it?

Helpful Answer (11)

They're disappointed, understandable. But angry for not getting their way? Do not accept it. In fact call them out on it. Your house - you accept house visits when it suits YOU. When you feel safe. For your own protection + theirs!

Ensure they understand they cannot visit you at all if they have any symptoms.

Helpful Answer (11)

Angry because you are being responsible and doing the right thing?

Sounds like you dodged a little bullet there.

Unless they have total dementia, both of them, they should be able to understand the severity this virus has over the elderly (and I, at 63 am considered 'elderly'--one of my kids kept away from DH and I for a MONTH)….and just wearing a mask in the house isn't enough. You would have to be wiping down surfaces, cleaning and cleaning the whole time they were there--and with a mask on! It just isn't feasible for many reasons.

My mother gets mad at me all the time and I often don't even know about it until much later. I have learned (as a coping mechanism) to simply listen to her when she complains and validate that she has an opinion and then do what I feel is right, regardless of what she thinks. Yes, she'll sulk and be a little petulant, but it is what it is.

One more vote that says you're doing the right thing.

Helpful Answer (10)

I think THEYVE lost perspective.

Are your parents generally unreasonable like this?

Helpful Answer (8)

If they have dementia, there is no reasoning with them. Complete focus on what they want versus considering other perspectives is an early "canary in the coal mine" I think. If they don't have dementia, then tell them to grow up and shut up. So much bad behavior. If they act like that, no wonder you don't want to be cooped up with them. One thing I have learned is not to expect much gratitude for doing the right thing, especially from parents. They often still want to call the shots long after the kids are grown up. You can agonize and stress over what to do, finally make the right decision for you and hopefully for them, and they are angry because they did not get what they want. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Use this as a learning experience. Unless you want to do their bidding in the future, don't cave now and tell them clearly what you expect from them. If they want to sulk, fine but I would not put up with it. There will be more things in future they won't want to do; so try to stop feeling guilty about not doing what your parents want. We are conditioned to that from an early age but you can learn new behavior. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (8)

EllenCaruso, you have done the right thing. I'm not sure anything will relieve their anger except the passage of time. Your parents are probably sick to death of living covid 24/7 and worrying about it and missing their family and while being bored to tears. I can totally understand why they are disproportionately upset and so disappointed. Still, you did the right thing. Just hold your ground, respectfully. Can you talk to them about rescheduling? That may placate them. If you do reschedule make sure they give you an actual verbal affirmation that they understand your "Cancellation Policy". Best wishes to you!

Helpful Answer (7)

The phrase "Grow up" springs to mind. Sounds like they're acting like toddlers.

Helpful Answer (7)

When my mother would be angry with my dad, my dad would say, "She has a lifetime to get glad."

(3)

Maybe they watch Fox News and have the impression that it is a hoax or just like the flu. It is a great time to educate them so they can protect themselves

Helpful Answer (7)

That was my first thought as well.

(1)

When you believe the world revolves around you, planets charting out their own orbits just seems wrong. You are so incredibly NOT selfish on this, but don't spend too much time explaining it. Point out the astronomical rise in new cases, hang up, and rnjoy a quiet weekend.

Helpful Answer (7)