Brother holding onto very old grudges against mom & not interested in caring for her....he''s nice otherwise! How to accept this?

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wearynow Asked June 2020

Brother holding onto very old grudges against mom & not interested in caring for her....he''s nice otherwise! How to accept this?

Mom used to be in a senior community in India till she became very forgetful. I employed aides in India but there was no one to supervise them. They came late, left early etc and locked up mom to stop her from wandering out. Her neighbors called me, so I rushed over and got her here. I got her a green card, pay for expensive monthly insurance and am in charge of her 24/7. Luckily, she's ok physically and sleeps well at night. I can also put on YT movies and get a break for me.

My brother lives overseas and has no interest in mom because of how my parents treated him 30 years ago. I agree my parents were not the best but my point is, we cannot abandon mom. Dad is no more. I have asked DB for very specific help, like handling mom's financial affairs or talking to the senior community about pending dues. All this can be done by email/phone but he has not heeded my calls for help.

Strangely, DB is nice when I talk to him about my kids, general events, movies etc . He goes grey rock (I think that's what you call it??) when I try to tell him about mom.

My husband visited him overseas to tell him that we cannot handle mom's burden alone. DB and his wife unloaded a whole boatload of complaints against my parents (which happened decades earlier) and kept insisting I should have left mom in India. But the burden of checking up on the aides & keeping tabs on mom was & will be on me. I got migraines and that's why I rushed over and got mom here.

How do I accept this and move past? I get very angry thinking DB is living carefree (except for the pandemic) and living his life while I have to think of mom's care before I do anything.

Thank you so much

Alzheimer's & Dementia Family Caregiver Siblings

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score 9 · Answer 1

Your brother clearly feels your mother doesn't deserve her children's care. You feel differently. He's made his choice, and you've made yours.

I expect - in fact, he's said so, hasn't he? - that he thinks you are wrong to have stepped in.

You just have to agree to differ, really. It's fine for you to volunteer, but you can't volunteer him; and it's not like he encouraged you and then backed away from helping. All he's done is stand his ground.

Would you still have gone and got her if you didn't have a brother?

Helpful Answer (9)

Yes,I'd have still brought mom over here...she looked lost and frail and the aides were very bossy. I felt very sorry for her that she was living alone in that senior center (it's not a memory care).

(2)

score 6 · Answer 2

You need to let it go, no one can force another to help. I learned it years ago when asked for help from my two brothers when I was taking care of my mother alone. I am the only girl, have four brothers, one died. They went on their merry way and lived their life with no concern for me needing a break or some type of respite . That is ok, I am over it now. I used to get upset, but now not worth the aggravation. Brothers and I are on good terms, but when they ask me for something or want me to do something for them, I tell them I am too busy with mom and she is my priority. It feel so good to say no!! I was always available for my dear brothers, probably too much, it has changed. Find help, take care of your mom and do not worry about brother. Do not waste your time and energy, you need it for your mom. Hope everything works out for you.

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score 5 · Answer 3

Brother is in the right here, sorry

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score 5 · Answer 4

Please look at this from your brother's stand point. He may be protecting himself from further mistreatment. Evidently the treatment he received growing up has affected him greatly and may very well cause him to experience PTSD if he is involved with any aspect of caring for your mother. If he never promised you that he would assist, you should have no expectations of him. The way he feels about your mother is nothing new so you shouldn't be surprised. Just enjoy the relationship that you have with him because it seems that he does enjoy having a relationship with you.

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score 4 · Answer 5

As difficult as it is for you to handle this alone it was your choice.

It sounds like whatever happened has traumatized your brother to the point that he is not willing to help at all. That is his choice.

You made the decision to bring mom to the states by yourself and it looks like you will be responsible for her by yourself.

Don't get in the middle of the relationship with your brother and mom, you will only feel worse if he grey rocks you completely. She is paying for her choices with him and so are you unfortunately, but he can be good support for you personally.

Hire a fiduciary to help handle your moms finances if it is to much for you to deal with. You have other choices to get help, your brother is not on that list.

Helpful Answer (4)

Yes, mom's paying for her choices with DB but now she has dementia, is frail and doesn't remember at all the way she treated him. Mom now mostly remembers only her childhood and her parents.

I feel DB should be the grown up and let bygones be bygones

Thank you for your input.

(2)

score 3 · Answer 6

You cannot make a sibling help. Even more so in your case, when you admit there were issues. Yes, he can abandon your mom. Your only option is to cut him out of your life. Not certain if you want to do that.

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score 3 · Answer 7

You accept it because, of course, there is utterly no choice. You cannot force your brother to provide care. You have made a choice to do so. He has made a choice not to do so. You will have to consider that where this aspect of life is concerned you really do not have a brother.
You can calmly ask your brother now if he would be willing to help YOU, leaving aside the dislike he feels for his parent. Is there any way he can help YOU given you have made a choice to attempt this care. Be ready that he may tell you that this is your choice, and he is sorry, but he is not willing to.

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My husband met him and asked about helping ME. DB was non-committal and said since I had decided to bring her here, to leave it at that.

Thank you for replying

(1)

score 3 · Answer 8

Thank you all so muchl. I guess, with time -- and talking to you all -- will help me accept the reality. .

My husband saw me struggling to deal with mom's care when she was in India and said I should just bring her here. I will be forever indebted to him.

Helpful Answer (3)

There you go. It isn't easy and what you have taken on is hard indeed, but it is your choice. Holding any expectations of or grudges about others will hurt you. You appear to have a gem in your husband, and he is your full support. I hope it goes well for you, all three.

(1)

score 2 · Answer 9

I don’t think your brother has to be a grownup and let bygones be bygones. He’s entitled to feel how he feels. And honestly, I think it’s crummy to expect him to do so when you weren’t treated badly the way he was! You are essentially expecting him to suck it up but he doesn’t have to do that. He is allowed to make his own decisions just like you made yours.

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Even if mom is not the same "mean" woman now???

(0)

score 1 · Answer 10

Trying to change brother will make you angry and resentful. It will rob you of your peace of mind and erode your well being. It sounds like you feel all alone in this and that's a terrible feeling. Is that true? If so are there friends or family you can share your feelings with, people who will support you emotionally?

It would be better for you and your family if you can find other ways to lessen your burden both emotionally and logistically. I don't know your financial situation but could you hire help with managing finances? Could you have Moms dues put on automatic payment?

Your Mom is fortunate to have such a caring daughter. Make sure you save some of that care for yourself. Wishing you the best.

Helpful Answer (1)

Thank you! Yes, I have emotional support from my husband and we can manage mom's payments. I just thought asking DB to remotely manage mom's finances was an easy way to involve him but I can see now-- after reading all the replies here -- he's not interested in this even just to help me out,.

(1)

Brother holding onto very old grudges against mom & not interested in caring for her....he''s nice otherwise! How to accept this?

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