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Miceala Asked June 2020

I have been caring for him 17 yrs. How can I maintain the boundaries that I now need for my health?

We do not live together and are not intimate. There is no help from social resources, as they have burdened me with him and have no regard. Caregivers are treated horrible, people will not understand that we are not a couple, and find me responsible for him. I have never been paid and have had many, many problems because of his (at times) inappropriate behavior. He has mental impairment and people will target me. When I was younger I didn't mind-I feel sorry for those people even more; but it is now affecting my health.

Kikigirl Jun 2020
Hang in there Miceala! I know what you're going thru. You'll come across someone somewhere who will be able to offer some help. ❤️✌️

Kikigirl Jun 2020
I don't know, and need to myself, any tips on establishing boundaries. But when comnunication didn't work cuz Father is narscasist, I hooked him up with info for transportation, food & other services. He got the message & is much better as well as I am in respectfully dealing with his ways.

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Grandma1954 Jun 2020
Miceala,
I have read the replies "answers" you have received and most of them echo what I said at the beginning. We need more information in order to give you better responses.
You have responded to a few but with no real information that is useful.
Your reply with... "you need to read the question it is all there you do not need to know every little when, where and why to be able to have some answers about boundaries. I find it annoying. It is all there in the question and when I refer to they I'm sorry you do not understand" ...is not helpful. There are questions we have asked because the information is not in your original post.
If this is the information you give Social Services it is possible that they are not more helpful because they need more information as well.

Bottom line ..It is you that will establish boundaries, if you are wanting to disengage from the situation it is up to you to walk away.

I can not apologize for failing to help, I obviously don't understand. I do hope someone else does and gives you an answer that will help you. I do apologize if this sounds harsh.

lealonnie1 Jun 2020
Hey, I have an idea that you hopefully won't find too terribly annoying: Move away and leave no forwarding address.........that's my suggestion. That's a great BIG boundary that nobody can ever cross b/c they have no idea where to even look.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

JoAnn29 Jun 2020
"you need to read the question it is all there you do not need to know every little detail when where and why to be able to have some answers about boundaries I find it very annoying,it is all there in the question and when I refer to they I'm sorry you don't understand."

You really have not given us enough info to give you an good answer. What type of boundries do you need? As said, no one can be made to care for another person. Maybe contacting Adult Protection Services and telling them you can no longer be responsible for this person and the reasons why.
Maybe they will evaluate him and find he needs more care and needs to be in a facility.

"He has mental impairment and people will target me"

If you are frightened, even more reason to call APS and the police. His behaviour is sexual abuse.

See, all we can do is assume what is going on so our answers may not be pertinent.

BarbBrooklyn Jun 2020
Michaela; "There is no help from social resources,as they have burdened me with him and have no regard." If you stay, they aren't going to put any services in place. YOu may need to leave in order to get him services.

Slavery was abolished in the States in 1865. You cannot be made care for someone unless you are married to them. And even then, if caregiving is a threat to your health or safety, there are ways to get him other care, using his resources.

If you cannot tell us what state you are in and what the particulars of your situation are, you can do little other than complain.

When you say "Social Services", who have you called? The Area Agency on Aging? Adult Protective Services? What have they told you?

Have you considered leaving and going to live elsewhere?

Has your loved one applied for Medicaid? If not, why not?

sjplegacy Jun 2020
You need to provide more info. You are not a couple... are you divorced? Separated? Friends? What is your relationship? Why were you chosen to be "saddled" with his care?

Geaton777 Jun 2020
Miceala, you have been extraordinarily gracious to this person out of the goodness of your heart. Can you please give us more details so that your question can be answered with most appropriate suggestions?
- what state are you in? (because govt aid availability and laws differ)
- how old are you, how old is he? (this determines if he's eligible for certain aid)
- is he a veteran? (again, regards available aid)
- what is his impairment: dementia? brain injury? etc.
- why do you think "people will target" you?
- what is your health issue?
- why do you think social services have "burdened" you with his care and have no regard for him?

If he is acting inappropriately towards you, his mental impairment doesn't excuse it or put you at less risk. Please give more info so we can better understand your situation.
Miceala Jun 2020
you need to read the question it is all there you do not need to know every little detail when where and why to be able to have some answers about boundaries I find it very annoying,it is all there in the question and when I refer to they I'm sorry you don't understand.
BarbBrooklyn Jun 2020
Are you in the US or elsewhere?
Miceala Jun 2020
US.
Grandma1954 Jun 2020
Why have you been "responsible" for this for so long?
Who is the "they" that have burdened you with taking care of this person?
If you are not responsible legally, for this person then disentangle yourself from the situation.

A little more info would be helpful.
who is this person to you? what are his challenges? how did you become responsible?

Without knowing a lot of information you need to say NO more often and you need to walk away more often (and do not feel guilty about doing either)
I may change my answer once more information is available.....

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