Mom died 5/26. Hospice for a week in the hospital - I was blessed they put us in a private room and let me stay with her 24/7 until the end. She died with me holding her. For several years before her death, I moved her in with me and took care of her - sometimes full-time, sometimes with care-giving help. The last few months of her life I feel like I let her down and failed in my duties due to my refusal to admit she was dying and admit how weak, fragile she wasbroken neck, broken back. She suffered severe osteoporosis, CHF. stroke, cancer twice, auto-immune hepatitis, etc. After a January hospitalization and short rehab stint, instead of just bringing her home in hospice as the rehab facility recommended, I listened to her PCP and my own hopes and encouraged her to try more rehab month-by-month in a Restorative Care Assisted Living facility...she didn't want to come back home as a 2 person assist, and we both believed with more strength and rehab , she could be a one-person like she was before the hospital. The first month and a half she was making progress - PT/OT 5x a week 2x a day - made friends, eating better, participating in life...I visited daily and was so happy with her progress. Then COVID and quarantine changed everything. She still had her therapists, etc. and wanted to stay despite my begging her to come home. I so regret I did not just take her out and MAKE her come home with me. Her decline started - started taking naps, eating less, getting weaker...she still kept trying the therapy (loved her therapists)...she was probably starting to die - she told my aunt that she ready to go see "Pop" ( my Dad)...but she did not share this with me...Mom wanted to die ever since my Dad died 5 years ago - and I battled to keep her alive on many levels...she told me I would have to start to learn to let her go ... and still I did not listen - just "pooh-poohed" her...after days of begging her to please let me bring her home - she said we would discuss at the end of the month -before paying next month's rent. It never came - she went to the ER - her glucose crashed - liver was starting to fail ...w/o a feeding tube, doctor said she would die in less than 2 weeks - CHF, cachexia, failure to thrive, effects of stroke/heart attack...this time, when she said hospice, I supported her and stayed with her the week and a half before she died..
I so regret not just bringing her home - first after her brief rehab in Feb/ then then COVID hit ( I listened to her PCP who said she was medically safe there and cared for - better than I could do at home during a pandemic)...I think we were both wrong. Despite dropping food and surprises off, talking to her 3x a day, etc. I could not get her to come home or hold on ...and after all those years of caring for her, I feel as if I let her down those last 2.5 months when she needed me most...the pain is breaking my heart.
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Thank you. I kinda know that, but in the back of my head, is that darn old tape loop.. My family is tired of it too. That tape loop keeps repeating itself.. I should know better.
YOu have been through so much too. My friend said something to me. Her husband died of cancer. She told me, he didn't want to do this anymore". She said my mother didn't want to go anymore either. " She is right. It comes to a point, where enough is enough... Perhaps that is what we need to accept..
It's not up to us, it's up to them. I just don't know anymore. As myFIL would say, "These bodies are not made to last forever." Yup,, he is absolutely correct.
good night. Thank you again.
My mom.. I had DNR on her, no intubating, no nothing. So, she was brought back to board n care... hospice... they are 99.9 % good. Not in my case. My team was off duty... :( new gal, we didn't know eachother. she wouldn't listen to MY TEAM WHEN I CALLED...
long story short... I killed my mom.. I was told to give her morphin every hour on the hour. Long story short, she suffered too. My angel finally answered my phone call, after, what seemed to be a lot of calls, he came to us. He asked where the ativan in the ER packet was... What????? I was ONLY TOLD ABOUT THE MORPHINE.... HAD I HAD known,,, ATIVAN WOULD HAVE BEEN CRUSHED IN THE POWDERED SOLUTION I SLATHERED AROUND IN HER DRY SUFFERING CHEEKS IN THE MOUTH... :(
SO... we do want we think is the right choice... we do out of love... You loved your mom as much as I loved my mom.. This is when we need to forgive ourselves. honestly... we need to forgive ourselves tell our loved ones we are sorry, please forgive us... That's all I ask... I didn't mean to drag this on as much as it has,,,PLEASE FOR GIVE US.... PLEEASE
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I feel I did everything wrong. For that, mom died. Mom was 90. stopped talking a couple years ago. That was extremely sad.
Juliarose is correct : She’s free from pain now. It’s only hard for us left behind. I’m so glad you were able to be with her at the end. God bless.
But, It doesn’t sound like there was any neglect or mistreatment of your dear Mother, thankfully. It sounds like it was her time to go. It’s even possible that your mother was able to go on her own terms easier being away from you. I mean, she obviously loved you, and it is hard to leave someone you love. There are many stories of people passing away after their loved one leaves for a walk or goes away for a bit. It was as though they chose that time.
She’s free from pain now. It’s only hard for us left behind. I’m so glad you were able to be with her at the end. God bless.
Know deep down in your heart that you did the right thing all along for your beloved mom, and that now she is at peace & in joyful & blessed reunion with her husband and loved ones.
Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace as you grieve this huge loss.