How’s everyone’s LO doing in memory care, and how are your visits going (if allowed)?

We have been doing window visits with my mom. They can't open the windows so we have to talk via cellphone. At that part of the building for some reason the connection is terrible and drops off like every two minutes, so we never stay very long. At least we get to lay eyes on her. Mom has had the virus and been on a C-Pap machine to help her breathing but has done well. She says she didn't really have the virus because she wasn't coughing. Just this past week they put her back on regular oxygen and was going to let her do porch visits. Yesterday we got notice they are cancelling all porch visits and going back to window visits because of a large spike of virus cases in my state. Very frustrating, but nothing we can do.

Well is sounds like the lockdown hasn't 'really' affected your mom.

My mother has mild dementia but is good at hiding it if you're around her for a short time. More than an hour and she falls apart.

She's not in a NH, but lives with YB, who has kept her 100% isolated from the world. She only gets out once a week and that is to the grocery store where she sits in the car with a mask on while YB does her small shopping.

I don't think she can wrap her brain around the COVID thing at all. She was pretty much isolated anyway. Likely your mom is the same--you can tell them something and it does NOT stick in their brains at all.

You can't 'fight' with her. I'd just take each visit as it is. None of us can change this rotten dynamic, we all just have to roll with it.

In your case, just take each visit as it is. With dementia, you don't know to whom you are talking--and it's not personal. Don't take it as such. She still needs to know you care, and that you remain a part of her life.

Sadly, I don't see NH's changing their lockdown policies for a long time--up to a year. Until there is a vaccine, and so we all have to deal with that.

Sounds to me, from personal experience, that you’re doing just about what you should expect yourself to be doing.

She is speaking from her damaged brain “truth” so there’s not much reason to try to convince her that she’s wrong, no matter what she responds.

Are you comfortable with comments that may defer her? “The hairdresser isn’t here today” “It’s so nice I’d rather sit here in the sunshine” “They’re waxing the floor, should be done in a few minutes”.

Nothing wrong with leaving if she escalates, but might she benefit from a small dose of an anti-anxiety medication? Ask her medical staff.

Overall, people with dementia benefit from a calm, structured environment, and I’m not at all sure that any facility is able to really provide that, given prevailing conditions.

Keep up the visits though, whether she’s naughty or nice, because she needs them. I haven’t seen my LO since the middle of March. Just be good to yourself every time you go.