As I replay the 5 years of caregiving for Mom - I replay and agonize each mistake I made - hating myself. Mom passed 5/26 , and since then it has been a total life review for me and my caregiving for her - very, painful process.
One thing that torments me is not responding fast enough when she suffered a cardioembolic stroke. I was at work that day. I had gotten her a Medical Alert system - one in the kitchen, buzzer on her walker. I always told her to use it in emergency because I worked about an hour away . She was using a walker then and the doctor said it was ok for her to be by herself during the day because we lived in a rancher.
Anyway, the day of the event, she called me about lunchtime and said she had eaten breakfast but was not feeling great. I asked her if she wanted me to come home - or wanted to go to the doctor's - she said no - she was going to take it easy, rest in bed a bit and read. I called her several times through the afternoon and she said things were the same...that if she still didn't feel good, she would let me take her to the the doctor's the next day . I called and made an appointment with the PCP for the following day for her to get checked. She had so many chronic illnesses( especially gastrointestinal) that her not feeling well was pretty normal actually - so I did not take it as seriously as I should have I think...especially, now that I think back ( it was about 2 years ago), she might have said her arm hurt or was feeling weird/numb - I didn't connect maybe stroke/heart attack ????!!!
Anyway I left work a little early just to be safe ( should have left at lunch - and will always regret that decision......) when I got home, she was on the floor - she had fallen ...she was awake/ alert, etc...I was crying/screaming why she didn't call me or use the Medic Alert button -- she just said she decided to wait until I got home ...I called 911 and they saved her - immediately did a stent and anticoagulants - but she was left with damage and left side partial paralysis ... I replay the conversations over and over in my head ...and WHY i didn't think things were as urgent or serious as they were...Why I didn't just leave work to go home and check on her??? Why I thought it was ok to just call every 2 nours to see how she was doing and if things changed...
I regret this every day of my life...wondering/knowing that if I had left work sooner it might have made some difference in the outcome...though she even denied the ambulance when it came ...until they yelled at her to lay down and be quiet and go to the ER ...
Please, please give me some advise on how to forgive myself for this decision and the responsibility I bear...
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This is what each of us has within us. There are always regrets that we were not PERFECTION at all times and in all things.
Please consider a grieving group so that you can get help of others who are going through this. You will find that you are not alone. Also a licensed social worker who works with life changes can be such a help. I am currently going through the grieving process now, and I am finding there are times I just need to "write to my bro" things that I think of, want to tell him, of feel just bad about; I collage in the book that now constitutes my letters to him. I also read again Joan Didions book about the loss of her husband, The Year of Magical Thinking, and the book about the loss of her daughter very soon after, Blue Nights. I find sometimes that only the grief of another helps. Allows yourself to have those moments of pain when you can do nothing but curl into a fetal positions and say aloud "Oh, Mom......Mom........" Don't be afraid. That awful pain won't last. Let the tears wash you clean when they come. And begin to move on. See the world for your Mom. Whatever she loved. Roses or dogs or a good plate of food.
I am wishing you peace, but allow yourself the process. Each person does it differrently. Be easy on yourself.
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If you had come home at lunch, Mom would not have been on the floor and you would have spent the afternoon with her until something made the stroke apparent, then you would have called for the EMTs and they would still have had to convince your mother to accept transport.
Your mother would not want her time with you to cripple your future or your ability to enjoy your own senior years. Please let go of the guilt for something your could not change and try to go "over and over" all the good times you spent with your mother over the years.
God bless and comfort you.
Should I feel guilty and torn up about not getting him to the doctor immediately that day? Maybe. I don't feel GREAT about it, but I don't dwell on it either, and he doesn't blame me.
Why are you blaming yourself for something you had no control over? You called your mother every 2 hours all day long. She was chronically sick and symptomatic as it was; so how were YOU to know THIS was different? Do you have a crystal ball? I didn't, or I would have seen the damage to my son's elbow bone and taken him in to the ER right away.
My point is, we're human. And as such, we are imperfect. Even doctors are human and imperfect. As in the doctor who cast my son's arm when he SHOULD have referred us to a surgeon. Trouble was, he was human and made a mistake.
You, on the other hand, did not make 'a mistake' at all. You did ALL you could do under the circumstances. Your stubborn mother even refused to go to the ER with the EMTs and had to be forced to do so. And yet YOU are still to blame for her situation?
Her age and her health history, in reality, is to blame for her situation. And God decided it was time to take her Home when He did. Nothing you or any doctor could have done would have saved her from that journey Home
Now is the time to forgive yourself and to move on with your life. If you're unable to do so, then it's time to get counseling and help in order to properly deal with your grief and to realize you are not to blame for your mother's life or death.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward, and sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
You did the best you could, with the information you had at the time.
The fact that she already had gastro issues, gave you every reason to think that this is what was happening that day. The fact that the EMTs had to yell at her and be forceful to get her to go to ER, lets you know that she wasn't wanting to go and was downplaying her symptoms. Absolutely nothing you could do about that -- short of mind reading.
But even with all the facts, our hearts try to mess with us -- that's where the guilt comes. Just try to heal a little from it each day. Remind yourself that you did the very best you could, I'm sure you went above and beyond on many a day!
I fight a similar battle with my MIL, only in reverse -- she fusses and whines about this or that all the time, so it's more of a "boy who cried wolf" situation. The guilt comes from the times that it is serious, and we blow it off as just her complaining :( But the facts are still the same: did the best we could with the information we had at the time!
Hugs to you, as you grieve the loss of your mom -- that is hard enough on its own. Do try to be kind and loving and forgiving to yourself -- I bet that's what your mom would want you to do also!