I am 87-year-old husband of 90-year-old wife of 62 years with dementia and am finding it almost impossible to continue residing with her. Thoughts?

The person closest to the one suffering from dementia seems to be the target of their rage, anger, frustration and argumentativeness. Take my mother (please?); she is 93+ years old and vehemently argues whatever I say. If I say black, she says white. If I agree it's white, she will then argue it's blue. Since she lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living home, I can easily limit my exposure to her, which is exactly what I do. She's very nice to everyone else, for the most part, but to me she's horrible.

When I worked as a receptionist in a Memory Care ALF before the plague hit, we had a gentleman who'd come in daily to see his wife who lived there. Well, when I tell you I cringed every time I heard her speak to him........her mouth was VILE. He brought out the very worst in her and she called him terrible names. He had no other choice but to place her in the Memory Care ALF b/c she had become too much to handle at home. He'd go by every single day to see her..........God knows how he was able to muster that strength, given how she treated him, but he did.

You should consider doing the same with your wife now. Enough is enough. You should not have to move out of your own home into a single room while she has full run of your home, carrying on 24/7. She belongs in a memory care environment with peers she can interact with. With a team of caregivers who are paid to care for her day and night. Go tour a few and see what you think.

Geaton's idea of finding an Assisted Living residence for BOTH of you isn't a bad idea, either. My mother's place has regular AL and Memory Care; you could reside in the Assisted Living wing and your wife could reside in the Memory Care wing.......that way, you could easily visit her whenever the mood struck you. Just an idea.

Even if you don't wind up placing her, just the knowledge that you have that option may relieve you of some of the horrible stress you're feeling. My heart goes out to you. I wish you strength, courage and peace, my friend. All the best.

Have you thought about placing her in Memory Care for a Respite?
Depending on her other conditions, although the diagnosis of dementia would probably qualify, she may qualify for Hospice. Medicare will pay for about 1 week of Respite for a person on Hospice. Generally they will place the person in a facility that they have an agreement with. Sometimes if there is room or if there needs to be some symptom management if the Hospice has a stand alone In Patient Unit they will place a patient there.
The other option would be to place her in Memory Care as a permanent resident. This is a difficult decision as I am sure you made "promises" to each other that you would never place the other in a "home". She is not the same person you made that promise to ..and you are not the same person that made the promise.
If having a caregiver some in daily for the most difficult times would help you could try that. No one can do this by themselves 24/7/365. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Accepting the fact that you can not do this any longer is the most difficult thing to admit.
Discuss with your daughter what options you have.
Respite to give you a break. (and her)
In home care with help from caregivers.
Placement in Memory Care.
And you can do any of these with the help of Hospice as well. I would not have been able to care for my Husband the way I was able to if it had not been for Hospice.
Take care of yourself ((hug))

Mannyoh, I am in agreement with those who suggested you deal with immediate issues first, like maybe medication for her behaviors, and looking into either adult day care or an agency in-home companion so that you and your daughter can plan only 1 move. Is your daughter going to eventually be your full-time caregiver? If this is what you are thinking, she needs to know what a commitment this will require. It may be wiser for the 2 of you to move into a care community (local to your daughter) that has continuity of care (AL, LTC, MC, hospice) all in one campus. At least you will have access to medical care, planned outings and activities and others in your peer group to socialize with -- and you can be near your wife, as she may need memory care. Moving is tiring, time-consuming and expensive. Congratulations for your 62 years together -- so sweet and rare! I wish you all the best and peace in your heart with whatever the plan ends up to be.

I can understand you feeling this way besides you have to take care of yourself too,i have worked with several dementia patients in the past i had one thàt i was with both husband and wife then he passed away from bone cancer. She had dementia and the family asked me if i would stay on as live in with her. I did for 3 years and it helped the family out quite a bit. The would come by once or twice a week and this worked very well with her because she could not deal a lot with change. We had a basic sçhedule set up that we went by everyday and she did great. The family knew the schedule so we had time built in there for them to come by and it would not disrupt her or upset her.

So you need to do what you need to so that you stay healthy. And most of the time that i have seen i works out better having a caregiver come in and care for them because sometimes emotions can get in the way of providing the stern care that sometimes has to be used and that way they don't get hurt or upset with their loved one.
Hope this helped. If you have any other questions you can message me
Best of luck and you will be in my prayers.

Denise

I’m in the same situation but I’m 67 and husband is 83. He has dementia that’s progressing rapidly. He came at me with a shovel 2 weeks ago and fists flying...again. He is now under APS(again) and in another care home(again)
I love him almost beyond life itself. But, if he isn’t living outside the home that end of life for me may be too soon. Do I want him home? YES. Is it the best for both of us? No
You need to both be in a good place so she’s cared for and you’re safe and not so stressed out you literally can’t see straight. Hardest thing I’ve EVER done
Trying to get Medicaid to pay for what I can’t is a nightmare. Get a good elder law attorney and accountant
God bless you and yours and peace on you

Talk to her doctor so he can organize seeing a psychiatrist. Meds often help control angry, belligerent behaviors.

I’m sorry for what you’re both going through. I’d skip the part of you temporarily moving out and go straight to a new plan for your wife now. Her doctor needs to know about the behavior issues to see if there’s any medicine to help. And she needs more care than you can provide, otherwise you wouldn’t be this frustrated. It’s okay to admit when it’s become too much. She needs memory care. Have your daughter help you look for good memory care places where your wife can live and get professional care for her needs. You’ll still be able to oversee her care. Don’t discuss this with your wife, just work on making it happen

My 2 cents worth here. First off, medications worked for my mother. Maybe she can get meds and do adult day care and it will improve, at least for awhile. Second, if she must go to assisted living or memory care, you might tell her you have to go into the hospital and she will only be there for a few weeks until you get better. Then, after a few weeks, you can tell her you're not better yet, there is some reason you can't move her back yet, etc. Pretty soon she's used to being there and may even make a friend. She needs professional care and you aren't it.

Congratulations on the 62 yrs!  Taking care of someone with dementia is not an easy task Mannyoh and there is no shame in saying you can't manage her any longer.  There are so many options for her that would help her and you live a better life.  Ask your daughter for assistance in placing your wife somewhere that she can get 24 hr care if needed.  That way you get some peace of mind knowing she is getting the care she needs and you get a break!

Take care.

Mannyoh, first, let me congratulate you and your wife for 62 years of marriage! That, my friend, is commitment.

Your idea will be extremely expensive. You are probably correct in saying that you trigger most of her responses. But it's so damn hard to ignore dementia behaviors. After a while we become desensitized to the needs of our LO.

Depending on how advanced her disease is, she will probably resist any decisions you make that will separate you two, or, where she will feel it's demeaning to her. However, for your own health and wellbeing, you've got to do something. Maybe bringing someone in a couple hours a day rather an entire day, would be enough to give you some respite. Finding an adult day care center might work. There she will be with other seniors, engage in activities and be significantly less expensive. I think the best plan, however, would be to find a care facility where she could spent some time and you could stay in your house for a month or two.

You may want to call your local Area Agency on Aging, the Alzheimer's Assn., or state Dept. of Aging and ask for advice.

I wish you luck.