My aging mother does not say how she really feels. How do I not feel resentment toward her?

I read your profile and to be honest, don't think Mom will be her 20 yrs from now. You mention sores on her feet, this is not good. It means the circulation in her legs is very bad. She needs wound care by a person experienced in it. My GF was a juvenile diabetic. Had a heart attack in her early 50s. Lost a leg in her late 50s. At 63 her kidneys shut down. She eventually passed. And she took care of herself. If Mom does not take care of herself she may die or find herself in LTC. You may want to tell her that you will not be caring for her when she gets to the point she needs 24/7 care.

My mother is extremely passive/aggressive, meaning she has ZERO communication skills. Everything has to be a guessing game with her. What's wrong mom? Oh nothing. Then comes The Silent Treatment; that's how she handles her displeasure with a loved one's behavior instead of talking it out or speaking the truth, which she's allergic to. I am 63 years old and have been unable to stop feeling resentment towards my 93 year old mother for ALL these years, due to her personality disorder and PA behaviors. They've destroyed our relationship and the relationship she had with my father, who she was married to for 68 years. She wanted him to read her mind; to know what she wanted w/o her saying a word. And naturally, he could NOT read her mind, so she was continually sour, constantly disappointed, never satisfied. That's how she treated him and how she treats me, to this very day.

People like this are 100% phony. The treat others with the utmost of sweetness and light, then talk behind their back. Others think they're so lovely, yet we see another ugly side that nobody else has the displeasure to witness. For my whole life I've said that while I love my mother, I surely do not like her. Not one bit.

When you don't like a person, you don't want to be around them. You don't want to help them because they make you feel like crap. They act fake and make all interactions extremely negative and difficult.

So what you do is this: you limit your contact. You do the minimum you can get away with. You do only what is absolutely necessary and then you vamoose right out of her sight. She's never going to 'learn' to speak the truth; it's likely too late for that. People like this aren't really able to properly love others; they're too self absorbed to see how their behavior affects others. So rather than trying to get through to a brick wall, you make concessions. You back off. You force her to ask you for what she wants instead of hinting at it, right? And you do what you must and then say goodnight.

If she can't be real with her own daughter, then she is probably not capable of it. By all means tell her how you feel, if you want to, but don't expect any real changes to come from it. The few times I've tried to have a heart-to-heart talk with my mother, I was turned into the Bad Guy because she's never made a mistake in her life. I don't know if your mother is like that, but if she is, then you're fighting a losing battle. Set down boundaries with her and then stick to them like glue. It's the only thing these women can really comprehend.

Good luck!!

Have you tried to explain to your mother that you feel hurt when you don’t know how she is feeling, about you or about other things? That for you to care for her, you need to be sure that you are both ‘in it together’? Is she mentally able to understand this?

How are you going yourself? Your post sounds stressed (understandably), and you are running out of patience with her behavior.

If your mother is only 73, has serious health issues (eg diabetes), and is very dependent, she is probably really frightened about the future. She may be too scared to talk about it. Her reactions to you vary all over the place from submission to resentment, which is particularly hard to deal with. You need to be aware that she will probably need a care placement, perhaps sooner rather than later. Unless her health problems result in an earlier death, you cannot cope with this for another 20 years. She needs to know that she will postpone this by keeping you both dealing with her problems in sympathy with each other. If she is mentally competent, this may make her think more carefully about her own behavior. Best wishes, Margaret

sneeze, has your mother ever been given a cognitive exam by a doctor for dementia? It can take on many forms. If you mother didn't used to behave this way (not physically but in personality) then she is most likely suffering a decline that cannot be helped by her. Also, an untreated UTI can cause behavioral/personality changes and confusion in the elder and can be treated with antibiotics. You mom is not that old (73) but her uncontrolled diabetes will be a bigger issue, as you are finding out. I'm hoping you have durable PoA for her so that you can legally get her the help she needs even if doesn't want it. If she hasn't assigned anyone PoA, this needs to be done before she has a cognitive exam. Also, do you have siblings? If so, make sure to share what is going on with them so that they aren't shocked if something more profound happens. Good communication and transparency is extremely helpful with there are other siblings, even if they aren't local to you. It also allows them to provide emotional support for your caregiving or more objective input for your situation. I wish you all the best as you try to help your mom!