I'm physically, financially, emotionally and mentally unable to care for my father anymore, yet he has no one else but me. What do I do?

seaofworries, wow are you doing a valiant (and difficult and draining) thing for such a young man! I want to repeat what is in your profile, that you father (age only 65) has substance abuse problems as well. I have to bring this to the forefront of this post because it greatly changes the advice and support people give you.

You are not responsible for your father's happiness. You can't have his recovery for him. Help him apply for Medicaid and get him into a facility (even if he doesn't want to). This is the only real option you have, given your financial situation and his health issues. In a facility he will get all the medical help he needs, and he will be with people his own age so he'll have more socialization. You will never be able to fly on your own successfully trying to care for the both of you. You won't be able to financially support the both of you. He is dysfunctionally dependent on you and you propping him up may be enabling his addiction issues. Therefore, putting up a boundary will force him to deal with his crap. And it is crap. He won't want to do it. He won't like. He'll resist it. But this is your only option. I wish you much wisdom, success in getting him re-situated and peace in your heart that you are doing the right thing for the both of you.

Depression is something most care givers struggle with at some point during their care giving years. Substance abuse issues just make that harder. I commend you for being able to see past your own challenges and realizing you are not able to provide the quality of care you want for your father and having the strength to ask for help. God bless you.

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and ask the SWs there for help. There are some free Community Medicaid programs/services just based on need and monthly income. You can also get the long term Medicaid application started. The AAA SWs can place your father in LTC pretty close to immediately if needed. Ask the SWs where you can get some help for yourself too; they know where the public resources are.

If you believe you could and want to continue providing care, call your father's PCP's nurse and request Medicare bathing assistance and evaluation for PT and OT. Ask if there are other benefits and programs to help seniors in your father's situation.

You can't change the past. You can only move forward. Don't waste time comparing yourself to others, the so-called "normal" people. You've done some things right--you've taken care of your father. You are probably more capable than you give yourself credit for. Yes, ask for help, but be super careful who you reveal information to. Be very careful getting involved with APS and the state. If your father's benefits are supporting you as well, you don't want them to suddenly pull the rug out from under you. As we should all know by now from this pandemic, the state might not be there to help you when you need it, so carefully guard what you now have. Yes, read read read and inform yourself. It's all about YOU. You have many good years ahead of you. YOUR years, YOUR life. Don't give up!

First, take a deep breath, take a few. Get pencil and paper and make plan as to what next steps to take. Good advice given by many here. Step 1- Call your doctor and tell him whats going on with you. Ask for help and support. Listen to his advise. Step2- Call your Dad's doctor and tell him what's going on with your Dad. Ask for help and support. Listen to his advise, too. Step 3- Be sure to contact Social Worker (doctors will help you with this). Step4- Go to your State's Aging Care Department for more resources. Step5- (which probably should have been Step1) ask GOD to take this load from you. Step6- Take more deep breathes between steps and do something nice for yourself every day. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

It would help me a bit if I knew who is living with who. Who rents the apartment or owns the home where the two of you reside. You have problems of income apparently. I cannot know what the financial support is for either of you. I think this is truly the work now of a licensed social worker. Whichever of you has a doctor who cares for you should now be informed that this living relationship has moved beyond your ability to function, and a licensed social worker is needed to help you negotiate what might help moving forward. So sorry for all you are going through.

I agree with the writer that you should contact a Social Worker who has access to information on the wealth of resources that you can take advantage of. I would visit your doctor and ask to be connected with a social worker or even Google the words Social Worker and your town and call the contacts you get. You can do this! You're not alone!!

I have found that over the past 4 years, I have gotten into the same situation as you. My relation fell and broke her hip the other day and is now in the hospital, she also has Parkinsons, deep in Stage 4. In terrible shape physically and mentally. I asked her yesterday why she looked so much happier and is joking with all her attendants and smiling like I have not seen in years. She says to me, do you want the answer ? I said of course. At the moment she was thinking clearly, she usually does good in the mornings, but afternoon and evening that all goes South, she gets in a terrible shape. They , I think call it Sundowners. Which you would think would be after dark, but believe me it is not. Anyway, she told me in the hospital and on Monday in hip rehab people let her make her own decisions with limitations of course. I thought as her caregiver I was protecting her, as her caregiver she had me making her decisions for her because of memory issues due to Parkinsons. But I was just taking away her joy in life. So if your father is in bad shape , you need to tell a social worker that you can not do this anymore, and they will help him get on Medicaid and place him some where he will be safe .Being a caregiver to a relation ,you would think would be ideal, but it is not, it is hard to do, breaks your heart, kills your spirit, and ruins your health. Be honest and you will be relieved, happier, and so will he. If you need to talk, email me at jeffiriesmichael@yahoo.com ,

Your post is well-written. You have expressed yourself honestly and succinctly. You have admitted to your inexperience with life and responsibility, and have confessed to "ashamed panic" (an excellent choice of words) with the situation.

These are all good things! They show that you are intelligent, well-spoken and aware. And the fact that you came here for advice is an enormous step. It shows that you're not completely helpless.

If you have substance abuse issues, find an appropriate support group like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. COVID restrictions might make in-person meetings difficult or impossible, but a group leader may be able to help you by phone.

The first thing to do is to help yourself. Once you get a handle on that, you can do anything.

Have faith in yourself. All of us here have faith in you. You can turn life around. And remember that with God, anything is possible.

I cannot know what part of the system you and your Dad are currently enrolled in. Medicaid? Is there a social worker involved anywhere in the line?
If not, then it is time to call Adult Protective Services and ask for a visit. Tell them that you are BOTH in trouble now and in need of services and aid, and ask them to open a file. Tell them you cannot mentally, emotionally or physically care for your Dad, and at this point, due to your illness, for yourself.
You need some guidance in getting into the system, inadequate as it is, for whatever help is available. As you can see by the number of homeless flooding our streets, there is not always a lot of help to be had, but access what you are able to now. So sorry for your predicament.

You must contact the local Office on Aging and the medical people. This is a sad situation but I think YOU must start taking care of YOU. I think the obvious solution is to get him placed into a facility where he can be cared for while you take care of yourself. You can apply for Medicaid if there is no money and he will be taken care of. Talk to the medical team, doctors. Also call your local and state representatives - they can often get the ball rolling with advice. They do this for their constituents. You need help - start making calls now for advice.