Is there a wrong way to grieve/not grieve?

I think those who suffer from guilt the least have it the most easy at the end. I don't really feel any guilt where my bro is concerned. We were so close all our lives, understood one another so well, there was no leftover "stuff". We were raised by parents who loved us, realized all humans are unique and have limitations, but who encouraged us to do our best and be our best selves. I think then, if you have done your best and if you have suffered for the losses you saw your Mom endure, and were honest about the losses it meant in your OWN life, and there was nothing ahead but loss, then this time contains relief along with grief. People on the forum often talk about guilt. I can't imagine where that comes from. Is it religion? Is it how a parent raised them making them daily feel not "good enough"? I keep saying "If you intentional physically or mentally hurt someone you can feel guilty; otherwise perhaps you are using the wrong word".
I DO grieve the recent loss of my bro. I made a diary I can "write letters" to him with, make collages. But I will tell you also that I feel relief for him. He was frank to tell me he didn't really want a long slow slide into what Lewy's dementia is. He was "ready" to go. And in his last days I literally prayed for him to be allowed to go. I am relieved he need suffer no more in the slow slide that would take away his dignity and strength a cut at a time.
I felt the same when my Dad passed. A good long life of a good and decent man. We all did our best. I went outside in the cold air and took a long breath and thought "I don't have to be afraid for you any more; I can be at peace; nothing can ever hurt you again".
I think there are times we get poleaxed by pain, just miss the person so, think of something we want to tell him or her about, think of something funny or sweet they said, think about a moment when we failed and wish we had done better, and we just utter their names, and miss them so.
But you and I seem to grieve in the same way. They did their best. We did our best. This is the end that comes to each man and each woman. They cannot be hurt again. We did the best we could, and the agony that is the end is OVER.
Perhaps it is just a function of how we are made. Perhaps we are of a more pragmatic or practical nature? I'm not certain.
Hugs to you.

I don’t think grief will overwhelm you down the road. My mom died a couple years ago after testing my patience for years trying to help her and dad. They were so stubborn, refused any help, except from me of course, and I was exhausted when she died.

It took me months to get over the last years of anger and frustration and remember what a good mother and person she had been. I’ve grieved in bits and pieces since, never a sobbing breakdown, just moments here and there, looking at old pictures etc. My mom had a hard life. I think about that more these days. It shaped who she was and how she navigated through her life.

Im still looking after my dad, he’s on hospice in a nursing home now with advanced dementia.

Good luck to you. It takes time.

Exhaustion also plays a part in a Caregivers grief.
We have mourned the loss for sometimes years while our loved one slowly disappears. Bystanders and sometimes family members that have not been as involved find the death more "sudden".
We are numb.
We grapple with not just the death of the person we loved, we cared for but our own "death" of sorts. We are no longer caregivers, a role that has been a major part of who we are. We no longer have to look at our watch when we are shopping and think...the caregiver watching him has to leave in 20 minutes and I have to get through this line...or...you wake up at midnight and again at 3 or 4 AM to change him and realize there is no one to change....or...you can actually sit and read a book or go to a movie but you are still physically and emotionally exhausted that you fall asleep reading the book, or you will pay $15.00 to see the movie and you fall asleep...
No one can tell you how to grieve or for how long. This is a personal thing that will happen on your time no one else's.
Do not be surprised if while driving down the road one day a song will come on that for some reason will trigger a memory and you will start crying. The same with an aroma, a snippet from a commercial, or something someone says.
Time. The old saying Time Heals All Wounds....
Like any wound grief can be raw, red, angry but it begins to slowly (and some people heal faster) fade and heal. Some wounds leave a large scar some smaller but even the scars fade but if you look they are always there, others may not see them but we know they are there. It is the memories that we carry that make us who we are.

Condolences on your loss. You may not feel much more than relief, or you may. My mother was mentally ill all her life and that was a burden to me. As she aged I became her POA medical and financial which increased the burden. I did love my mother and respected the good things about her but felt nothing but relief when she finally passed. aged 106. Life with her was always a mine field. Now I am able to recall more of the good than the bad (which was more plentiful) and that is a blessing.

Their is no right or wrong way to grieve. I grieved the lack of a nurturing mother all my life. Grief becomes problematic when people get stuck in anger, guilt or etc. Sounds like you are doing very well.

I am so sorry for your loss.

May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.

I think that it is wonderful that you can remember the good times before you started losing your mom. It says a tremendous amount about the love you shared with her. I never had the break down after I lost my grandmother, I grieved while she was alive, leaving me one brain cell at a time over a decade. I was happy that her struggle with AD was finally over and she could finally be at peace.

Take care of you now and know that she is finally at peace.

Amazing, and courageous responses. Couldn’t have added a thing! I will say, I wish for all of us that I knew a healthier and happier way to face the end. My journal holds many memoirs of days I felt I couldn’t find the nose on my face, much less patience for my Mom to just be free.
Only grateful for who she was, and what she taught me.

I wondered why I was not crying/grieving so much and was as concerned as you are now until my sweet cousin, who had lost her father a few years prior told me that I had already grieved my mother while watching her deteriorate with all of her health issues and doing all that I knew to do to get proper help for her. I realized my cousin was right. I grieved her as I sat by her bedside for the last 5 years of her life listening to ramblings and trying to figure out what she was saying. I talked with doctors, got caregivers to assist, and she was admitted to nursing home. Yes, I grieved her gradually all along.

From your description I’d say your grieving is very appropriate. I also felt like I lost my mother twice. The first time was when she had such an enormous stroke that took away her every ability and suddenly I went from having a mom that I did a lot with, was very close to emotionally, to having a mom who was unable to do anything and emotionally detached. Then four years later she died and I lost her all over again. There have definitely been moments of intense loss, but there also have been times of almost gratitude that the torture she went through is passed. And over time, the smiles at the memories have become more than the tears. As for asking if there’s a wrong way to grieve, most will say no. My thought is yes, I’ve seen some who just can’t get to a place of acceptance, who can’t move forward, no matter the time that’s passed. I don’t think that grief is healthy for anyone

You have some good answers here. Like others, I think you are doing well. We all grieve at our own speed and in our way. With the stresses of caregiving come a lot of grieving over what has been lost. In a very real sense, you have already grieved a great deal while in the midst of caregiving for someone who has changed significantly because of illness. There is even a medical term for it--"anticipatory grief."

If you now find activities and relationships that bring you joy, don't feel guilty about it. We all have a right to live our lives and choose the purposes and people with whom and for whom we live.

Prayers and hope for the future

I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes it takes a while to fully recognize all the feelings we have after the death of a loved one. I think it is different for every person and with the manner of death. Suicide and accidents for example are hard in a different way than long lasting physical or emotional illness. Also the age of the person who has left us. If they had a long life it is easier to let go and return to the many memories. If young, we tend to think of their lost future. I know I have felt each loss of a loved one in a very different way. For my sister I still cry at least once a week eight years later. For my father I now just remember how wonderful he was, but at first I wailed and screamed at the shock of being suddenly without him. For others, I hold onto little moments of joy I had with them. I think time will take care of how you grieve in the very best way for you to do it. Absolutely no reason to feel guilt on how it is done.