Elderly parents trying to force themselves into your home; do I start calling senior living places now?

I spent over 5 years making a ten to twelve hour drive dealing with elder parent crisis. So yes, a facility near you is much better if you can pull it off.

Heres the thing though. After years of begging, arguing and pleading with my folks to prepare for the future, look at some assisted living places etc., I came to realize it wasn’t going to happen. I could only do as much as they would allow. I quite fighting about it and began waiting for the crisis that would force the issue.

And that was A bad fall mom had, put her in the hospital for three days , I then moved her directly to assisted living and tricked dad into moving in with her 4 days later.

Mom wanted to call a lawyer. I gave her my phone and the yellow pages but she had no idea how to use an iPhone. I offered to call for her. She took a nap instead.

So my advice is quit killing yourself trying to persuade them of anything. Not gonna happen. Do what you can and wait them out. I know it sounds callous but that’s the reality in for most of us.

I have had to have this discussion more than once with my mom - and like your parents - she ignored my comments. Boundaries are for YOU. My mom does not respect my boundaries - i ENFORCE them. It is to protect you, not change your mom.

Finally I said "you must listen. I've told you over and over that we do not plan to have you live with us. you need to be making plans for your next phase in life - where daily living becomes more difficult. It is not living with me"

Yelling, screaming, having relatives call - etc. Then, a few months later - the hints about us getting a bigger house with an inlaw apartment - so i laughed "good one- ha ha ha" and then had the conversation AGAIN. Again all of the drama. I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling angry.

It finally hit home when she was almost evicted for not paying her rent (i refused to bail her out yet again when she blew through her SS) and for harassing others in her building (threatening to call ICE) and in a panic she called me to come and get her and her things because she had to leave the building. I asked "where have you lined up to live" and her answer "you'll have to take me I have no where else" and I said "no - we've talked about this. Call me when you have your new place lined up" and click - i hung up.

Again the phone calls from relatives, neighbors, tears, screaming. ETC. Even my sister - "we have to take mom in" and i told her "go for it, but i'm not taking her when you get sick of it".

Well, mom called and begged the building to let her stay but i think that she "gets" that i'm not having her here. Now she whines about how she can help me if she lives with me. to which i reply that when our son goes to college we plan on downsizing to an apartment and might even move out of state. More tears at my insensitivity.

The point i'm trying to make with my story - is that your parent will pull out all of the stops over and over trying to get their way. You might feel guilty and let them move in. Then you'll be writing on this forum about how stressful it is, how you have no time or privacy, how your parent is taking over your home, and how you regret taking that parent in. Some parents would be different, but if your parent ignores your boundaries and your wishes, that is the type of parent that will be hell to live with.

NO is a complete sentence. Good luck.

No, you leave it to them to do so. If you continue to do their "stuff" for them, why would they stay independent? Would it not be a message that you will "take care of things?"
Keep the boundaries up. Suggest, when anything is said, that they need to begin to look into living situations now, or it will be more difficult later for them. Continue to reinforce "NOT AN OPTION" . That's all you can do, and see to it you NEVER take them in even temporarily.
It is much like having a young person , your child ready to leave home, but still intent on you doing stuff for them. You need to break the cord. They need to do things on their own and understand that they will never cross the boundaries you set. There is in fact a book specifically named Boundaries. Start forming them now.

Km, let's say there is an emergency. Dad falls, goes to hospital. Hospital says " we can only discharge him if there isx24/7 care".
This is NOT YOUR EMERGENCY and you are not required to move them into your home.

You say "they dont have money for 24/7 care and I cannot house him/them. What do you suggest?".

It is the job of discharge planning at the hospital to discharge to a safe environment. If they can't afford home care, they go on medicaid and go to a nursing home.

If they'd like to avoid having to be placed in the first available bed, they need to do some planning now.

Adult children are neither a retirement nor a care plan.

Affirming what AlvaDeer expressed. How old are your parents? Also, if you make the plan then they blame you when they're unhappy with it. If you pick the place they blame you, etc. Personally, I believe in informing them of what their future holds if they DON'T plan: if no PoA is assigned now, then guardianship by the county and family has no say, no control. No savings? Then Medicaid. Mom and Dad, some of the better senior communities may have waiting lists so maybe start looking into that, etc. Hopefully your parents are not already sliding past the cognitive impairment line, but unless you visit them in person there's no sure way to tell (or you can conduct your own *non diagnostic* test by asking them specific questions, like who is the President, what season are we in, today's date, etc). Even if they show up on your doorstep with suitcases, take them to the nearest extended stay hotel. When my ding-dong in-laws made no plans and saved no money and then were shocked SHOCKED! that we weren't going to take care of them and pay for everything I informed them this was the retirement they planned for. Not planning IS their plan and your parents must live with it. Let us know how it goes! Good luck!

Agree with what AlvaDeer said but I'd like to add this. If you have them come for a visit, make sure there is an exit plan (or better yet, a hotel reservation). I read online recently (I don't believe it was this forum) that a woman had her widowed father for a visit and when she asked for his return plans, he answered "I'm not going back. I live here now." Don't risk that situation, whatever you do!

Km, the thing about boundaries is that they are for YOU. So many folks here say, "well, but my parents don't accept my boundaries".

Don't expect them to be happy, accepting or for them to move on easily. They may well be aghast, upset, cry, threaten, bargain, pull out Fear, Obligation and Guilt. They may call ALL of the relatives, friends, allies and say "can you imagine...after ALL we've done for her..."

Nope, dont buy it, don't own, don't go to that dance. Don't explain, don't try to convince. Don't be swayed by inheritance or promises. If your gut says no, it's no.

Just "No, mom and dad, that does not work for me and my family. You will need to make other arrangements. I'm happy to help with the arrangements but the choices need to be yours".

My mum wouldn't do anything to help herself or make things better for herself. It came to a head when she was ill and needed care so we moved her nearer to her family. I found a lovely warden assisted flat in a lovely block near to me with a nice communal room and activities. But she wouldn't even go and look at it and wouldn't discuss it. The upshot of it all is that she lived with my sister until my sister died then automatically came to me and it's not been good. I would advise you to make the decisions for your parents and almost treat them like stubborn children. Be firm and don't give in. I will never ever expect my children to have me live with them as I don't want to affect their lives as much as my mum has. It's unfair and very selfish.

I am 53 have many local friends my age and work in real estate. Among friends and situations I have run across in my 30-year real estate career, I have seen many poor souls take in the aging mom/aging parent(s). I have yet to see one instance with good results. Always the same story - it started out with good intentions and ended poorly.

I met a property owner a few years ago who had converted his garage to an in-law apartment for his wife's parents (had gone into debt to do so). He said the parents moved in and fought 24/7, including physical. He said it was shocking and they did not know the parents' marriage was like that. He said it was hard to get them out of the house and living somewhere else. Now he was stuck with this strange room in his house and he told me: "Don't EVER move a parent into your home!!!" He seemed so broken.

Stories like this make me think all adult children should move at a minimum a few hours away from their parents, so they can't be called upon to do everything for them.

A few times zones away? Even better. Everywhere in the world is just a plane ride away if a real emergency happens.