Dealing with guilt; any advice?

Was she ever any different? Isn't this what she trained you for? An attempt at Sainthood? Still waiting for the "You are a good child and I love you?" Feeling guilty for trying to do your best? It is time honestly to get help for yourself so you can make yourself a decent life. She has no answers for you; she never did. It is up to you what you want for your future. We have two chances at family. Your first chance, being brought up by decent loving Mom is done with. Don't give up your second chance by staying steeped in the agony of the first failure. Move on and make your own family. There are many decent people out there waiting for you. Needing you. She has nothing for you. Let her seek the loving kind help of strangers and end her life in their loving care. They DO get paid for it. She can give them her money. Move on. Break the cord.

Hi there. Dealing with a parent or anyone who has Narcissistic personality disorder is really a chore. Man.....there are no words. For those who know, it's challenging to say the least.

Congratulations that you have a therapist and have set some boundaries. I'd continue to work with that until you can let go of any lingering issues.

I'd also consider that even with with NPD seniors can develop dementia. When they do, they have the symptoms of dementia like other people in that they lose judgment and memory. I'd wonder if that has happened to your mother. With NPD, sometimes, it's difficult to tell. They are already have no appreciation or empathy for others.

Is there someone who can check on your mother and see if she is okay or perhaps in need of intervention due to cognitive decline? Perhaps a neighbor, family friend, pastor, social services, etc. could check on her regularly and that way, you don't have to feel worried about her. I'd try to keep my distance. I hope you can continue to move in such a positive direction. I'll look forward to seeing your post about the progress.

Been there done that.

I merely informed my mom that there will be no further contact until she is prepared to behave with respect towards me. It took about four months for her to come around.

Sometimes she reverted back to her old ways and there is no contact with her for a week. She now behaves when a warning is given that this behaviour is no longer acceptable.

I too was in therapy at the time and that was the therapists advice which I am glad I obeyed. It was tough but worth it.

"She insists on living in her own place, a county away"

Your Mother is living her life her way, by her own choices (good or bad). It's her life to steer as she will (unless in the future someone becomes her legal Guardian).

That's where I am with my relative. She will not move into AL (that was deemed necessary by medical professionals), will not appoint a POA. Doctor advised me NOT to help her. At all. To wait for a crises then let HER choose her path from whatever real options are available at that time. (Most likely is transfer to the first available NH bed).

I used to feel guilty that I could not steer her to better plan but now am at peace with it. Her lack of planning will decide the plan. This is what SHE is chosing for herself.

Im sorry to hear about your situation. Before you call your mom, or unblock her you might think about what your going to say and how things need to be different in the future. Otherwise he will continue to manipulate you and you will go back to being stuck in the same cycle of codependency, doing things for her and then being angry because of everything you do. She needs to know that you love her but that you also have a line with what you can and can't do. In short you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do because that's where the guilt will come from. In a way you should stand up to her but as loving as possible, know that with her narcissistic nature your putting your foot down won't go well at first but things will turn around if you stand your ground. Good luck and go bless you

So she is thinking you are "just wanting her money" and wishing she was dead? Perhaps she need reassurance. It is hard to offer warmth to those who did not give it to us. But it does help.

Have you tried to explain to her what you are thinking and feeling? For the pushy types, it may have to be said strongly and repeatedly, but clear communication is needed. Often we show that we are annoyed but self-centred people are unable to figure out why. It is good to model a better way of speaking with kindness, patience, generosity. Even when they don't "deserve" it. Think how much patience, kindness and forgiveness others have given to us when we didn't deserve it. (Sure, we could have benefitted from more of that from our mothers, but it has instead been provided elsewhere for us via other people.)
If we choose a good day when we feel calm and able to speak well - firmly, clearly but kindly - we can tell our dependees things like:
"I'm glad to continue helping you with things that you need, but I feel you are ungrateful and keep asking for more. I do have other things I have to do in my life and I'm feeling worn out. I do care about your wellbeing, which is why I help you out lots (don't be tempted to list what you do, this can backfire!) If you are able to co-operate and if you speak respectfully, I can continue to care for you. But I really need you please to stop complaining and to realise that I cannot be always available as soon as you want me. If I can have some peace and not be called upon so often, I will come with more energy and enthusiasm when you really do need help."

I believe Sunnygirl is right: dementia increasingly, relentlessly, complicates dealing with a parent who has longstanding mental health issues. I am learning (slowly) to let go of MY need to reason and explain....which have never worked in my whole life...but now are utterly futile with a parent who cannot remember what I tried to explain 5 minutes ago, and who unreliably knows who I really am.

I have been afraid to get in-home help with Covid. My area has not begun to “peak”. But I intend to follow some of the advice in this thread, to get help a few hours a day, 4 or 5 days a week, as soon as It seems safe.

Also... one poster mentioned a few simple phrases to say to an unappreciative, demanding parent. My experience at this point in the journey is that saying short simple sentences does help MY frame of mind. Reminds ME what I am doing and why. But my impaired mother does not remember the rational sentences... however the feeling of disappointment and anger she feels when I say this stuff DOES LAST. And her feelings last longer than they would if I just didn’t explain in the first place. So now, I usually just say “ yes, I know it is hard. I am sorry you feel bad (worried, scared, angry, disappointed, whatever)”. And continue with my plans for the day.

sorry for long and rambling reply!

Send her a written letter with the resources that she might need like grocery service, recommendations for help (like Seniors Helping Seniors, Capital Area of Aging, a caregiver, a lawyer, & AL for the future. Otherwise take the advice of your therapist as you have done all that you can for her & now it's time to take care of yourself. You should not be the object of ridicule, abuse or belittling. Is there another relative or neighbor that could help her if/when she needs it? Good luck to you! 🙏

Sounds very familiar to me although my mom lives 10 minutes away. For my sanity and my sister's a sitter for hired for her 4 hours a day. This has been a Godsend. It relieves my mind to know she has good care but I do not have to physically provide it. I highly suggest use your mom's money now and find home care. We used Concierage Care and were very satisfied. I have learned to ignore the 10 plus calls some days and let her leave a message. If urgent I can call back. Sister and I pay all her bills, use instacart for groceries and provide home cooked meals. We also take care of her meds. This has eliminated a great deal of complaining. Mom claims she cannot walk and crabs around on her walker. She certainly can walk when it suits her. A manipulation game for sure! Mom is 85 and has mild dementia. Wanted to add we got mom a life alert for added safety. To make matters worse we care for a 91 year old aunt with more advanced dementia. The aunt has a lot more care in her home 7a-7p and is monitored at night with the Nest app(video). Presently she is able to sleep at night with prescribed meds.

From what you write here, my heart goes out to you. Had it been me in your shoes, I would have said "good bye" long ago. You owe her nothing. She has done nothing but abuse you and degrade you and destroy you. I don't care if she is just mean and selfish or have dementia, whatever. She has NO right to harm you and do these things to you and you are a fool if you allow her to do this. You must let her have it and tell her she has to stop at once forever or you are going to walk. This woman does not deserve your guilt (for doing what - you did nothing wrong - she is the bad one). Block her phone calls; stay away from her completely. I would perhaps consider a Power of Attorney so you can do what you need to do one day when she has to leave and go into a facility - but I am not sure what is going to work. But in the meantime, put up a wall and think of YOU - people like this deserve nothing from anyone - ever. Let them reap what they sow. YOU get on with your life and don't look back. I learned that too late in life the hard way. Once I did that, my life was so much better. Walk away before she destroys you - she is not worth your efforts and care.