My father had surgery two months ago. I told him after the surgery he would not be able to care for himself. My stepmother has been in a nursing home for 15 months and my dads health is declining. He fought me tooth and nail to not come to my home so I could care for him. He finally relented and said it would only be two weeks, and now it’s been two months. It is very difficult caring for him because he did not raise me and my brother when we were 7 & 9 years old. After my mother died, he remarried and his wife did not want us. He sent us to live with our maternal grandmother. Now he needs me and my heart is not in it even though I am caring for him. I won’t abandon him in his time of need but I’m going crazy and am burnt out. How do you work through those types of feelings?
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One of the most common trends I've seen on these forums and elsewhere is people that have bad relationships with their parents getting roped into caregiving and destroying their lives from it. Don't let that happen to you.
MEANWHILE you lose your job because caregiving is a FULL TIME JOB. And your life savings dwindles down to zero. Oh...your own siblings may fight over the estate after your parent dies.
Go ahead..be a caregiver. And LOSE YOUR OWN LIFE.
Been there..done that..now I"m 60 and having to start over again. On top of this CoVID-19 mess.
Im hoping you find peace and joy again as you start over. You still have many good years left. Today is a new day and another chance. Best wishes
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After you come to peace about "rehoming" him, you need to know what you actually can do about the situation.
- do you have durable PoA for him? Does anyone?
- has he ever been medically diagnosed (like it is in his records) with dementia, ALZ, Lewy-Body or any cognitive issues that affect his capacity to make rational decisions for himself?
- your profile says he can't afford in-home care, but do you know enough about his finances to know if he can private pay a facility, even for a short while?
Perhaps your father needs to know that if he doesn't cooperate APS will be called in and the county will pursue guardianship of him. They you are fully released of all of his care: medical, financial and anything else. Maybe this is the path you should take anyway. This is the "retirement" he planned for.
Answering these questions will enable the forum to give you practical suggestions. I know you will get all the moral support necessary to move forward in getting your father the appropriate care he requires. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart during the process. May it go quickly and smoothly!
It does not change if he was a wonderful father or a crappy one, no child is responsible for providing care to their parent.
Next providing care, if you choose to do it, does not mean you have to do hands on caregiving in your home nor theirs.
He can go live in a care facility.
I decide? Now he wants to live with me full time.
I don't think you should send your father 'back to his home to rot.'
I don't think you're a 'fool' for 'doing something you shouldn't be doing.'
I don't think you're a saint or trying to be a martyr, either.
I don't think you need the advice of a priest or a man of the cloth, nor do I think you should try to figure out which Medicare services he qualifies for, because that would be under the assumption he's staying with YOU, which I think is a mistake.
I do think you're overwhelmed with the prospect that lies before you, however. Even if your dad was the best father in the world for your entire life, it's STILL too much of a burden to take on the responsibility of in-home care for an elder (for the vast majority of us). And it's okay to feel that way; and to say it out loud; and to find alternative living arrangements for the man.
Why not place him with his wife in the same SNF she's at? I don't see what's to 'LOL' about that idea, either, frankly. By doing this, you are not abandoning him but placing him in a care environment where a whole team of people will be there 24/7 to see to his needs. That hardly constitutes abandonment, negligence or not caring.
Wanting to have YOUR life is not a sin or a crime or something to feel horrible about. Now, make it HAPPEN.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Your job is to find a place for him. A Social Worker must help you. Reach out, as soon as possible. Do not take no, for an answer. These people are paid for what they do.
After that, your job is to visit him once a month, at most.
He did what he was able to do, to help you out, growing up.
You owe him nothing. Do the above only is it will help you find peace for yourself.
D