Mom tells me things about her assisted living facility. How do I check to see what's true & not true when I can't get in because COVID?

I think you should consider how happy you were with them before your mother started complaining. Did you have any concerns? If not, then consider whether your mum is reliable. It is very hard because with delusions and paranoia comes a loss of credibility. That makes us worry about the truth mixed in with the fiction but also some attention seeking too might be in there. It must be hard not having visitors.

On our last face-time, my mom (95, in memory care, on hospice) told me ‘they‘ were putting her in someone else’s bras!!!!!!! It was all I could do not to laugh. Trust the staff and your own instincts. If you can face time, you can also judge by appearance and attitude. The facility may also have a webpage that you can follow. My mother told me that for July 4th they made ‘stupid’ hats. On the web page, there were candid pix and she appeared to be laughing and engaged. If you can make window visits, that also gives you glimpses of how your mom is doing. Just a few ideas.

You have excellent stories there to prove that Mom is not in her right mind where the things she sees as real are concerned. It is easy for you to discern that these things never happened when the shooting and the ducks occur. But more difficult when things that actually COULD be happening are concerned. You have seen her now as an unreliable story teller, and that she likely is. There is no way for you to comb through and understand what is real and what is not. I have had this experience. "There was a bird in the room; Al couldn't catch it for me". Spoke to Al. No bird. "There are drones over the hospital bed spying on me". Trace that down and there actually ARE these things attached to the ceiling to read heart monitors, with little foursomes of antenna coming out. Could look like drones but aren't. So quite honestly, there IS no way for you to know for certain. You will have to trust the staff, esp. knowing that your Mom is not seeing things right now. You have no choice. What a dilemma, huh?

Oh yes. Let's see... Deer wandering in the courtyard (not possible based on facility layout), dogs living in her room, same food served every single day, all of her clothes are "gone" (check closet each time she says this, clothes are always there), it takes 5 hours for them to answer a call light, they haven't walked me in weeks, etc. I agree some of this stuff is possible, but make sure you're looking at it in context. Something such as the call light thing can be checked remotely by asking elder to call you the next time she needs to hit the call button so you can personally be on the line to see that it really, truly takes "hours" for someone to come. (This may not be one of the issues you're having, but it's a common complaint, so I'm mentioning it.) I was on the phone, elder hit the call button to get help for her roommate. Response was immediate - and sounded like more than one person responded. And staff would have no way to know I was on the line. The "not being walked" thing was also proven false when nurse told me elder was "refusing" to get up and walk. I asked elder if she had refused & elder confirmed she HAD refused! But she wanted me to make a report about her not getting walked? Wow.

Unfortunately you will have to choose who to believe, your mother who you know is not a good reporter of the truth or the nurses at the facility.

It is very hard, when you cannot go check due to Covid.

Oh!! This sounds so familiar! My mother was in a rehab facility and she said the same thing about the staff taking forever to answer her call light. I called the nurses desk many times and each time they said she didn't have her light on and they were just in her room but she didn't say anything to them about what she was telling me on the phone. It is so frustrating! How can someone who remembers every upcoming doctor appointment not know if her call light is on or not? Also, because of COVID I couldn't go in to confirm what was exactly going on. I wanted to believe my mother. She would get very upset if I questioned her about things and didn't like when I didn't seem to believe her. It was very heartbreaking and stressful for me. To her this was her reality even if it wasn't real.
I agree with Mysteryshopper. Having them call you when they turn on their call light will help to know if that is really happening. That is what I did when my mother started saying she wasn't getting her 8pm meds. It helped!
Since everyone on the forum seems to be experiencing this same circumstance, it must be part of dementia. It's so nice to be able to talk/encourage others who are going through the same things. This is all new to me.

90% of what my mother tells me about what's going on in her Memory Care ALF is a bald faced lie. I fact check EVERYTHING she says and then let her know I've done so, and what do you know? She THEN backtracks on the lies she tells me. Let me give you an example: she's telling me how weak she is and how she can't move or eat or do anything, etc. So I just called over there and guess what? She's SITTING OUTSIDE IN THE GARDEN enjoying the sun.

Try to ignore the people who tell you how gruesome these 'horrible places' are, and how your mother is being terribly mistreated and sitting in her own feces 24/7. Contrary to what they're saying, nobody's filming a horror movie in your mother's ALF, believe it or not. If you know the ALF, and you know the staff, and you also know that your demented mother is a big story teller (and/or liar like MY mother is and has been for 90+ years), then rely on what the nursing staff is telling you.

That's my advice from dealing with all this nonsense since 2014.

Good luck!

RING cameras installed! But don’t tell her.

I would believe her fully (rather than the the nursing home workers) -about everything that makes sense.

Nursing homes are understaffed now, more than ever. The squeaky wheel gets the care.

If you don’t give her credibility, she may ‘give up’ and stop sharing her concerns.

I would tend to believe you mother is being well-treated if that was her condition before COVID-19. Let me put this into perspective with a story from when my mom was younger.

My youngest daughter lived with my mother and dependent grandmother for a couple years while she was in college and my husband's military career required us to move a lot. My daughter would be doing the usual stuff that college students do: have outings with friends that went a little late, work on school projects (she was a fashion design student) and leave work on a table... It seems my mom had a hard time dealing with this. She would call me to complain about my daughter. I would ask my mom, "Have you talked to her about it?" and "Is she home now?" Most of the time she hadn't talked to my daughter and my daughter was there while my mother was complaining to me. So, I would tell my mom to talk to my daughter. I would then call my daughter and tell her, "Grandma is upset about...., please talk to her about it." My daughter would say, "Why won't she talk to me about it?" and "I'm home now, so why is she complaining to you." Granted my daughter is no saint but she did help take care of her great grandmother, she is neater than most college students, and she did manage to find her husband during that time period.

All that to say that when situations change, some people do well with the changes and others "act out" as a way of saying they want the "usual way" back in place. I would talk with the nursing staff about anything mom says that is concerning. They can show you her charts that display the care she is being given. Keep reminding your mom that you love her and can't wait to see her after COVID-19 is no longer a problem.