My mother is 86; lives alone in a huge house; won’t talk about future-gets cross. How do I make her plan for future before crisis happens?

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Chickweed Asked July 2020

My mother is 86; lives alone in a huge house; won’t talk about future-gets cross. How do I make her plan for future before crisis happens?

I am her only daughter and live 20 miles away. My brothers live about three hours’ drive away and hardly see her. I think they are relying on me to look after her if she falls ill. I also dread having to clear her huge four storey house as it is full of her parents’ belongings. She is often angry and bitter, taking her resentment out on me rather than my brothers because she saves her ‘best side’ for them if they phone. I work part time in a stressful job and have three children. Because of my mum’s stubborn refusal to acknowledge her situation, she has made apparently no plans for the future years when she will be less capable. I dread the future, where it seems I will be expected to sort everything out for her and look after her.

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score 1 · Answer 1

When she gets ugly, just say, gotta run. If house needs work, tell her she will have to figure it out -- how is she getting it done now? Make it clear to her and your brothers if something happens, she is not moving in with you, and you have limited time to help her. Tell her she can look now at independent/assisted living, and get her choice of facilities or wait till something happens and she will have to take what is available. As long as she is mentally competent her choice. Also tell her if her DPOA is not up to date, the only way for you or your brothers to help will be to go to court and get named guardian.

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score 3 · Answer 2

The answer to “how do I make her” is you can’t, you simply can’t make another adult do anything. She’s free to make or avoid any decisions, including bad ones. The good news is that you’re also an adult and don’t have to listen to her anger, bitterness, and resentment. You have a family to focus on. Tell your mother that her lack of planning won’t constitute an emergency on your part and then don’t keep trying to discuss it. There are many on this site waiting for a crisis with their parent. I hope you’ll spend your time with your children and home, not arguing with your mother or listening to her anger any longer.

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score 3 · Answer 3

Why are you assuming that you will look after her?

Have you told her that you will not be doing that?

Let's say she has a crisis. She falls, breaks her hip and goes to the hospital, then to rehab. If she can't return home, she will need to go into long term care.

You need to practise saying "no, I cant possibly do that". The house can be sold "as is".

Mind you, this is not what I did, but my mother planned in advance and made things relatively simple for us. That being said, it still took two years to empty the house.

But if your mother won't plan, I dont see how it becomes YOUR emergency.

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My mother is 86; lives alone in a huge house; won’t talk about future-gets cross. How do I make her plan for future before crisis happens?

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