My mom is 52, she is currently going through menopause and takes meds related to some health problems. I know one of her hormone's level is low and one of the side-effects is higher irritability but I believe she has always been kind of like this. My mom frequently complains about things. Let it be about bad past experiences with friends (or her mother, she had a really bad experience with her mother), about her work, about even the news or something stupid she saw on Facebook. When I say frequently, I mean that it seems like one day she is extremely stressed and starts complaining literally every second, and the next few days she is ok. Then, the loop starts all over again and she gets suddenly stressed. I usually don't tell her anything (my father usually does). He always tells her she needs to let these thoughts about the bad past experiences or something she read/saw online go away. When he does, my mom starts crying. Once, when she started complaining again, I asked her why she does these things. She started crying again and she said she knows she is complaining again and she knows she needs to let go but she can't because it is hard. She says she is trying. She says she is taking care of it but a few days go by and everything starts all over again. I only noticed the crying recently and I believe in the past years she usually just complained a lot (unless I really didn't notice the crying). For me, it just seems that she complains a lot about a lot of things and can't let go of the past. I asked her once why she can't let go of things and she didn't know. I mean... if something happened in the past and it wasn't your fault, why bother? And if it was your fault and you can't fix it anymore, again, why bother? My father says my grandpa (my mom's father) also died complaing a lot and the she is just like him.
Last year, my father had to be hospitalized for about 2 months in ICU because he contracted pneumonia and his myasthenia gravis (a very complicated neuromuscular disease) made the situation even worse. We almost lost him. I know the whole hospitalization definitely took a toll on her. Everything is good now and my father is doing fine. His neuromuscular disease has been very controlled since his diagnosis (almost 20 years ago). I think last year he was really exhausted due to work and his disease made him more susceptible to pneumonia. Anyways, as I said, everything is fine. I don't know if this whole hospitalization + COVID 19 pandemic has made things worse but my mom keeps complaining.
When I was a kid, my mom would scold me for things that I did. I can't recall very well but I'm sure most of the things I did were very minor. She even says I was a really well-behaved child. In short, I think the way she scolded me was too extreme for the little mistakes I did (and most children probably do).
I do understand that, at that time, my father wasn't really supportive. He would go out with friends to drink beer and return home late. All that stuff definitely took a toll on her and on me. I was that young and still remember those days. Now, my father is a different person. He quit drinking and smoking and stays home. I think he has become really supportive. Nowadays, I think my mom is the one that puts the most toll on us (my father and I). My father has to listen to her everytime she complains (and I think he does a good job). Since it is so frequent, he does get tired sometimes.
Sorry guys, maybe a son shouldn't be like this but I'm really starting to give up. I think for years it's taking a toll on me but now I'm starting to feel extremely tired of seeing the same thing happen over and over again. If it wasn't for this pandemic, I was going to move in April to another country. I postponed everything for whenever this pandemic allows me to move. Right now, I do think it is best to stay close to my parents.
Sorry for the long text. Do you have any suggestions? Anything helps, thanks :)
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First of all, has your mom had a complete medical examination to rule out anything that may be going on physically? I know you mentioned she is going through menopause and one of her hormone levels is low and yes that does wreak havoc with her emotions. I think the constant crying is her way of "purging" all the stuff she's been hanging onto for so long. However, the amount of crying seems to be abnormal.
Your mom has led a difficult and miserable life and I see that her relationship with her own mom was not a healthy one. Add to the mix her father spent his life complaining right up until the bitter end. That being said, she has lived her life according to how they lived because that was all she knew. Even if things are unpleasant, they grow up thinking it's normal because they don't know any other way of living. It's hard for her to let go of the past and stop complaining because she simply doesn't know "how." She had no role models within the home while growing up. I think her knowing and being able to acknowledge the fact that she can't let go or stop complaining is good. It's been said "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." I really sense her "frustration" and being "trapped" in this perpetual loop.
Sometimes people complain because they literally have nothing else going for them in their life, some do it out of boredom with their lives, some do it for attention and some do it because then they don't have to do any self introspection. Another saying is that "you can't do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result."
I just don't think your mom's normal needs have ever been met - she didn't have a good, loving relationship with her parents, she doesn't have any external relationships (i.e. friendships with other women - from what I gathered from your post), she doesn't seem to have any hobbies that could bring her some enjoyment and she doesn't appear to know what talents she may have. Also, when a person wants to get rid of a bad habit, they need to replace it with a good habit - that helps keep a bad habit from returning because your focus will be shifted to something else that is positive. Generally, it takes about three weeks to form a new habit because it then becomes a routine otherwise it's too easy to just give up. But, your mom has to really "want" to put the effort in because she's trying to "undo" x (I don't know her age) amount of years.
As for your father, you said at the time he wasn't supportive and would go out with his buddies drinking and getting home late and I suspect it's because he didn't know how to be supportive and he didn't want to deal with it. It was easier to just leave for the evening. Both of them have suffered great emotional pain and you have too. I'm glad he was able to come to a place where he could quit drinking, smoking and stays home.
As for yourself, you shouldn't apologize for how you feel - it is what it is - or for the fact that you feel like giving up. No doubt it has taken it's toll and it finally has caught up to you. It's normal to feel extremely tired as you and your dad both are emotionally drained - your running on empty without any refueling in sight. And now the pandemic has meant your move to another country is put on hold so it's no wonder you are feeling hopeless.
In the end, this is bigger than any of you can deal with on your own. You all need intervention of some kind to learn how to break free and move on in a healthier way. I wish you all the best. Do take care of yourselves!
Just like all the other replies, it is very comforting.
Maybe I overexaggerated when I said she cries constantly. She definitely complains more than cries. When I do a retrospective analysis, she definitely complains less than some years ago. I feel like the target of her complains has switched though. Before, it was about my dad and her experiences with her parents (I don't blame her). Now, it's about other things related to work or something on the internet. It feels like she decided to put a closure on her whole parents situation because she knows that cannot be changed (it wasn't her fault anyways), and on my dad's situation (because he changed). Now, she just found something else to complain about.
My mother definitely loved her father (I can tell). I used to spend a lot of time in his office when I was a kid (my grandpa passed away in 2009). Although I was just a child and didn't spend my whole life with him, I still have a lot of good times with him in my memories. Definitely, my grandmother was the worst. I don't blame my mother for almost hating her.
Regarding to physical examination, I believe my mom goes to her doctors from time to time to check on everything. She has fibromyalgia, pre-diabetes, hypertension, low cortisol levels (I think that is "all"). I don't blame her for feeling irritated or stressed with this amount of health problems. I do agree that she needs hobbies (she says her hobby is to clean the house which she does) and friends.
It just feels that, at the same time, I wanna help in some way but my hands are tied because it really feels like she is the one that needs to "feel like changing".
Anyways, again, I really appreciate your words and I hope you are doing well :)
Menopause is actually just one day. It is the day that a woman has gone 365 days without her period.
Perimenopause is the proceeding years when her hormone levels fluctuate.
Surgical menopause occurs if a woman has both her ovaries removed. If a woman has her uterus removed but retains her ovaries, she will go through Perimenopause normally, but will not have periods.
The hormones being impacted are Estrogen and Progesterone. Cortisol is a stress hormone.
Perimenopause started for me at age 40, so I am 14 years into the adventure. I have used one for of HRT for 8 years, Estrogen, and added Progesterone earlier this year.
The fluctuations on the hormones can be devastating for some women. And crying jags, rages, brain fog and more can be incredibly challenging for the woman and her family. Add in hot flashes, lack of sleep, night sweats and life can feel unmanageable.
There is a fantastic private Facebook group called Menopause Chicks. Your Mum may find some helpful resources there.
I can easily see that if your mother has unresolved trauma, and it sounds like she may, then The Change, can bring it all back up. Therapy definitely can help.
One quick question, you use Asian in your username. I do not know your background, but if Mum is open to it, Traditional Chinese Medicine May be an option. Both acupuncture and Chinese herbal remedies can be used.
Also, thank you for taking your time to clarify the terminologies. It is very much appreciated.
Yeah, I know my mom is definitely feeling brain fog and night sweats (well, not only during the night).
I'll try to subtly suggest her those therapies. I know my mom isn't very inclined to traditional Chinese medicine. And by the way, you are right. We have Asian descendancy (especifically, Japanese).
Thank you for your message again.
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Fast forward to 2020. I am 63. My mother is still alive at 93.5 and lives in Memory Care; dad died in 2015 and she'd made his life a true nightmare, right to the bitter end. She's still nervous, except now, it's a whole lot worse with dementia thrown in. So is the OCD and the anxiety and all the rest of the insufferable behaviors that I mentioned earlier. And, as I also said, these things don't just go away w/o being addressed, treated, dealt with and recognized.
The best thing I did was to move back out again at 21 and to STAY out of the house. Your mother will be fine when you move out, and if she's not, she's your father's problem. He is the one who's enabling her behavior, as my father did with my mother, and so, it's thanks to HIM she's still free to do as she pleases, with no regard to how it's affecting anyone else. He should have insisted she see a doctor long ago, as my father should have done, but never did.
Move on with YOUR life before YOU wake up one day and YOU are old, still living with, and trying to 'fix', a mother who refuses to accept that she has a problem and needs help from a medical professional. You will not fix her, but you WILL ruin your own life. I guarantee it.
Good luck!
It is crazy how much I can relate to your experience. You touched an important point I forgot to mention, what you called "OCD cleaning", my mom has the same thing. I wouldn't say it's OCD but it's close to that.
I feel the same in the way that she will be fine even if I move out. It is a problem, yes. Although, I think deep inside my mom is still happy. It is just these moments that happen from time to time.
It's just that I can't help but to think that maybe I can help her in some way.
Many people resist medications but they are a great tool to help.
Therapy might also help. And maybe the family could use someone to talk to.
Some women have a very tough time with menopause some do not. To make matters worse this could go on for a year, or sometimes 10 years you never know. (that would be enough to make me cry!)
Side note here. Please do not let your feelings of "responsibility" to your parents make you put your life on hold. As a parent I would not want a child of mine to postpone a chance to do what they want to do because of me. I do not want to read a post from "RandomAsianGuy" in 5 years lamenting the fact that he had an opportunity to (do whatever) and ..(here it is again)..guilt made him change his plans and now he is "stuck".
I think my parents wouldn't want me to let an opportunity go away because of them too. I assure you I won't. It is just the preoccupation of "will everything be alright when I'm not with them anymore?" that kind of haunts me. When I mentioned I was about to move out, it is not because I can't stand them or something similar. It is because I'm going to study abroad. So, since we are gonna be so far away from each other, and most likely for years or I might even move there permanently, I worry about them.
I also think my mom should talk to her doctor about how she's been feeling but I don't think she considers herself to be the "kind of person that needs meds for depression/stress/etc". Also, she doesn't have a therapist. I don't know how to say it in a way that won't hurt.
Saturday July 4th in The Times, but unfortunately you have to subscribe to see it online. Still. The gist, her main point, was that around the time of menopause it is not that women suddenly start to behave strangely. It is that up until that time, the hormones in fertile ladies' bodies make them behave with unwarranted tolerance and forbearance to the people in their lives (small children, beer-drinking husbands e.g.); and then when those hormones ebb away what you're left with is what the person would have been like had she not been as high as a kite on oestrogen for 30+ years.
It was an amusing perspective, and one which gives comfort to us ladies whose families are edging around and looking at us sideways. THIS is normal. What went before was the stuff of martyrs.
Anyhoooooo, and meanwhile, there is the practical matter that I don't suppose it is any more fun being your mother at the moment than it is being around her; and it would be nice to help her make positive changes that SHE would be happier for. Does she have any close female companionship, or have you and your father been the main focus of her life?
I believe my dad and I have been the main companions in her life. It doesn't seem that she cultivated friends through out her life, so I don't think she has any female companionship. The ones she had (that I know of) were my dad's friend's wives. Thing is, if my dad and his friends, for some reason, break up, then she doesn't talk to her female companion anymore. To be honest, my family has always been like this. My parents have never cultivated friends in their lives and I am just like them when it comes to friends. So I guess I can say my parents and I are pretty lonely in regards to friends.
We have never cared much about this. I think we are like lone wolves. Although, I don't know how my mom and dad think about this. In my case, I'm comfortable being like this. Maybe she is not that comfortable.
Overall, my family is pretty peaceful in the sense the we don't really fight each other anymore. It's been like this for pretty much 10+ years, I believe. Regarding to being fun or not being around her, I still think it's fun. I mean, she complains frequently about things but besides that we still talk on a daily basis. I would really like to understand why she feels the way she feels. Whenever I ask her, as I said, she says she doesn't know.
Try going for yourself first. Then you'll learn some skills about how to handle Mom's issues and you can tell her honestly that it's helpful and she should try it.
They even have online therapy now if she refuses to go to someone. She can try different therapists if she doesn't like the first one.
She also needs a complete physical, because menopause is a nightmare for some women, and sorry guys, but it's hard to even explain it well enough to make you understand. Her doctor could possibly prescribe hormone replacement therapy or other medications to help her.
Try to stay compassionate for whatever she's going through, but stop trying to fix her with logic. Let the professionals handle that.
Yeah, I forgot to mention. She takes hormone meds for her cortisol levels. Although, I remember she said that even with meds the levels weren't getting to optimal. I also remember she said her mother had a rough menopause too. So maybe she is going through the same.
I think I a very compassionate with everyone to be honest. Really, I'm a really chill guy. To piss me off or bother me, you need to be worse than the devil and I tend to try understanding other people's perspectives a lot. My mother and I talk to each other pretty much every day for at least 2 hours, and everything seems fine. Then, "suddenly" she starts complaining about things (not about me nor my dad, just other people or situations).
I will try going to a therapist myself. Thing is, with this pandemic going on, it's a bit hard to go there myself (I have asthma and I was told to stay home as much as I can). Also, since I will be moving to another country as soon as the pandemic lets me, I'm not sure how to make it work, in the sense that "will I tell her by phone?".