He drives, mows his own grass (on a rider), does his laundry and shopping but I have always been the only child close by. My husband has commuted for three years while he patiently waited for me to say put up the for sale sign. My father is replacing his past wife with me and now refers to us as “We”. I am lonely miss being with my husband but my dad doesn’t see that. Am I wrong or selfish?
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Your 70-year-old father is mentally and physically competent. You moving to rightfully be with your husband is changing his world. HE needs to shift his focus to taking care of himself and finding proper companionship. You can point in him the direction of a Senior Center and help him figure out his passions for mental/physical diversions.
Enjoy your new life and I hope for both of you that your father embraces his.
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You are not your dads wife, he needs to figure that out now and make some decisions about his future. Encourage him to find friends and get active with others. My dad tried to be the man in my life above my husband and was angry when I put a stop to it. I had to tell him like 50xs that my husband is my 1st priority, period.
Enjoy your new location and all the extra time you will have with your honey. Commuting 170 miles daily for work takes a lot of time away from life, he won't know what to do with himself 😀.
Dad will probably pout and try to lay the guilt trip but you do not have to accept it. He is after all a big boy.
Be candid that your husband has been commuting for years, you both are getting older, and you and your husband have decided to make a change for the better. And that your dad is still young enough to get a lot of benefits from moving into a senior community and being around people his own age.
Now that you're moving 84 miles away, it's also appropriate for you to bring up the fact that you will not be able to drop everything and drive to his house for every little thing "we" want or need. The time to manage your dad's expectations of you is now i.e. before you move.
And guilt for when you've done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong. Your guilt is irrational. Turn things around, change your perspective, and recognize that your father still has choices in how he wants to live his life. And there are consequences to those choices. If he wants to move to senior living, great. If he doesn't, that's his choice.
The wise thing to do is have a gentle conversation with him that you would love to be close to him and be able to help him but he will need to move near you to make it work. The caregiving arrangement only works when it works for both parties. He will eventually need to downsize and come to grips with his increasing dependence on outside help. If he doesn't get on board with this plan, please move forward with yours. He may follow later but make it clear that until he does, he will need to arrange for all help to come from outside services at his current home. He will soon learn he is not really "independent" and you should not help prop up this appearance.
Give him some time to adjust to this new reality since he's not really thought about before this point. He's "assuming" you into a position you have not agreed to. This is wrong and selfish and unrealistic. But, assuming he doesn't have cognitive decline or dementia right now, all you can do is inform him and he will make a decision. What you don't want is for him to make the decision to move a month after you've made your move and are all settled and then have to long-distance manage his house sale, etc. Whatever you do, DO NOT move him in with you in your new place, even temporarily.
You may want to move the process along by visiting IL communities in your new location and take your own pictures so he can see these places can be very nice. He will be with his peers, have activities and still be independent. He is of a generation that has a terrible concept and fear of NHs. You need to disspell this misconception in any way you can. I wish you success in having a loving conversation with him and peace in your heart no matter the outcome!
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