How do you deal with the stress and anxiety of the constant ups and downs of your parents health?

swimmer, you have plenty of company in this arena. Personally I have to work on having peace in my heart that decline is part of aging and aging is part of life -- have confidence that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances and there are many elders who have no one to help them. Take one day at a time, one malady at a time, and most importantly make time for yourself no matter what. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart that you are doing your best and that it's good enough.

swimmer, this maybe an out of the blue answer. around eight years ago I bought a fruit tree for my mother's backyard so she'd have something to tend to. I asked one of the grandkids to dig the hole for the tree and true to form no one helped and after a few weeks I saw that she dug a hole herself and planted the tree. It never really produced much fruit until this year, which of course is during covid19 stay at home times. Mom has been on the longer side of hospice now at almost six months. These past months, it's my my first time watching this tree emerge from winter and bloom flowers and now branch out majestically. Within six months fruit grow, some drop, and ripen on the tree. Looking up from under the tree with all the ripe fruit has been one of the simpler joys this spring. It's now July and all of the fruit are gone but the tree will still provide shade needed for this summer and provide privacy so the windows can stay wide open. Each morning, I watch from the large back window the branches swaying in the wind if windy or the tree soaking up the morning sun on a sunny day. More likely mom will evaluate out of hospice because she is walking, barely and eating, out of habit and is no longer bed bound. When I thought it was mom's last season, there may be one or a few more seasons. I think we've all dug ourselves into a bit of a hole when we take on caring for another and as we grow we too will sway in the wind, soak in the good or bad weather of stress and anxiety. There will be another season for us to grow.

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past four years in taking care of my mom. She's had health declines (Parkinsons) every 6 months, now eating is a huge struggle. I have tried leaning on friends, getting on a prayer chain at church, but my anxiety is getting worse. I am now looking into getting a counselor. I have heard people on this board in the past mention how helpful that was. Dealing with mom's issues, insensitive and cruel siblings and now COVID is just too much.

Dearswimmerforlife,
I have been a caregiver for 16 years straight. First, for my dad in 2004 who had Pancreatic Cancer. After he quickly passed away that same year, my mom who was 79 needed me and my husband for many reasons ie. death of a spouse, taking care of funeral arrangements and helping her take care of a 3 bedroom house w/ pool. Because of the rollercoaster ride that often accompanies the "constant ups and downs" of your/our parents or any loved one's health, it is essential to find ways that will help you the most in dealing with stress and anxiety. For each of us, it will be different as what works for me might not work for you and vice versa. I think one of the main causes of the stress and anxiety in these situations is we spend a lot of time worrying about what is "GOING" to happen or "MIGHT HAPPEN" down the road. It takes a lot of work to get into the mindset of just dealing with "today" but, in essence that's the best thing to do as none of us have a guarantee that we will have a tomorrow and frankly, taking one day at a time is more than enough!
For me, I get up early in the morning before my husband and I do a 30-minute exercise routine with upbeat music. Health experts say this is one of the most beneficial ways to deal with life's stressors overall. So the trick is you have to do something you like otherwise, you'll do it a day here and a day there, eventually giving up. We have a treadmill - I get bored too easy even if I have my music playing, I had an exercise bike - again, I got bored. But, growing up I always loved to swim and dance as I took ballet and jazz dancing so my routine is a combination of aerobics/dancing which works all my muscle groups too yet is enjoyable. Another stress reliever for me is listening to music that is peaceful - it's always on - either I play our local Classical music station (commercial free as that doesn't break the mood) or piano music. There are so many beautiful and relaxing ones on youtube as well that are 4-5 hours in length. At bedtime, I like to do what I learned in a stress class years ago. I lay in bed on my back in the dark without any music on however, I have a sound machine that I have on either the "waterfall, rain, or thunder" setting as those are my favorites and start from the feet and work my way up to my head/neck first by tensing toes, then feet, then lower legs etc. for about 30 seconds - then release along with deep breathing. Anxiety is a lot harder for me to keep in check -so I do take a small dosage of an anti-anxiety medication that works for me and it helps take the edge off without making me lethargic. On days that aren't too stressful, I only take a half dose in the morning. On days that are off the charts, I add the other half before dinner. With the pandemic there are a lot of limitations but, on Sundays my husband and I have gone for short scenic drives, stop at one of our new favorite local coffee houses and try a different drink. When we get home, we rent a movie, hunker down with a few quick, easy snacks and a small glass of wine and relax. Most of all, it's the quality sleep that helps keep you on a more even keel which means no caffeinated drinks or alcohol after the dinner hour (or better yet after 2/3 pm but, that is a little more unrealistic). Last but not least, other than good sleep is - laughter! My husband and I started doing charades and nothing feels better than having that uncontrollable, hearty laugh - it works wonders. Before you start thinking we must not have too much stress with my mom, I can assure you we have been living a nightmare since April when my mom nearly died in her AL apt. during the lockdown. She is 95 with Alzheimer's and became severely dehydrated, contracted COVID, bi-lateral pneumonia and had a severe UTI. She can no longer get out of bed, dress herself, doesn't eat or drink water much and is now under hospice care AND we had to move her during the pandemic into MC - we are STRESSED! My best to you!

At first, it was rum and coke. After my pants got too tight, I tried exercise. That was more effective.

I'm assuming from "swimmerforlife" that you enjoy the water. I love to swim. I bought a waterproof MP3 and it's been money well spent. I put books on it and go. We live near a lake so I swim often. I buy punch balloons (the big ones with rubber bands that we played with as kids) that I attach to my swimsuit straps using safety pins. That way, I'm visible and have a floatation device if I need it. I swim close to the shore line as well. When I'm in the water, I can't worry about the phone ringing, I'm distracted by the story and it's a great escape.

For me, that escape it the best way to deal with the stress. It's a chance to take care of myself before taking care of others.

Here's what I think. ----Everyone will have a different way of dealing this . . Some - A little bit more alcohol - Some . . .more eating, along with some weight gain. Perhaps some with OCD .

I also believe that crying, and anger are a big part of the deal.

For me . . All of the above!

I'm not going to sugar coat this.

We're humans. I believe that depression can be a healthy emotion if 'parcticed' with care and just a little less than moderation.

You deal with it the best way you know how. Just put a bit of LOVE into it. Never hate yourself. (But you may find that you do hate yourself once in awhile )

Let it pass- let it go and find your 'love' again.

As they say . . "this too, shall pass"

You'll see brighter days.






.

I can empathize with caregiver stress. I wrote a book about dealing with it, when we took care of my mom with Alzheimer’s, called, “My Mother Has Alzheimer’s and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver’s Tale.” I’ve heard that writing things down, even if it’s not for publication, can be helpful and cathartic. We had some funny moments within the stress of the situation, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she pounded the pavement, looking for a job (accounting) in NY after college, but what she said was, “I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean.” My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn’t a street walker. If you can find any humor, either within your situation, or from watching a funny TV show, that might help. I also talked to friends, and that helped too. It kept me grounded, because it gave me a fuller view of life, rather than exclusively dealing with being a caregiver, even for just a 10 minute conversation. Also, since my mom was a wanderer, I got plenty of exercise chasing her down the street. I also found that exercise helped mind, body and soul. Hope this helps.

My father just passed in June. I am left with mom(84) and aunt(91) to care for.
Both have part time sitters but it is a lot to maintain. I do everything online groceries, med ordering, supplies, etc. I started a routine for myself that has ensured a good night's sleep. TV, cell not used after 9 p.m. Starting back reading while sipping a cup of herbal tea. Works wonders, please try it.

As a RN, I realize that my family and patients will have ups and downs. My job is to try to create and environment for safety and health. I can not make bodies heal or live longer - that is God's job. I try to remember that I can only affect whatever is in my control - which actually is very little - and I do whatever leads to good. I leave the rest in God's capable hands. I hope this helps.

Find a good source of laughter: old TV shows, great movies, whatever works. Make sure you get at least an hour a day and some sleep. Some alone time is good too.