Memories, mental illness, and cutting ties with the past. Can anyone relate?

I don't think I'll ever be able to look at my childhood with fond memories; all that's left for me is the ugly memories with very few of the happy/positive times, although there were some. The human brain, I think, tends to go to those ugly memories instead of the happy ones; it's at that time when WE have the power to redirect the negative thoughts over to the positive memories instead, you know what I mean? Instead of lingering on the traumatic fighting that went on in my house, I can choose to change that thought over to when my folks took me out of school early to go to the NY World's Fair.

As yet, and I'm 63 (my mother is 93.5), I haven't found a way to stop the resentment I feel towards my mother, no matter WHAT I do, no matter HOW hard I try. It's impossible for me, so it is what it is. I still do my best to keep a cheery attitude when dealing with her (she lives in Memory Care) on the phone or in person, and I still do everything for her that needs doing (I'm an only child), so it's good enough as is.

Happiness right now, today, is something we have to create; it's not contingent on a particular situation, for if it is, we will never BE happy. If our happiness is reliant on coming to terms with the past, then we're not gonna be happy either. That's how I feel. I can choose to be happy TODAY, however, not based on what happened yesterday or in my childhood, just as a choice I'm making for the moment. My life is fine; I'm pretty healthy, I'm happily married, I earn money, I have a sweet dog, a nice house.........for THOSE reasons I can give thanks to God and be at peace. My past doesn't affect me at this very moment, so who cares? Living in the past is depression; living in the future is anxiety, so that's why it's so vital to live in the NOW.

I can relate to what you've said about having a sharp tongue; I do too. When I listen to my mother speak, to this day, not one thing she says isn't steeped in ugliness, judgment towards someone, or just a sarcastic, foul tone of voice. She can say something super sweet, yet use a tone that cloaks the entire statement in filth..........if you catch my drift. So, no matter what she says, it's U G L Y. So I know where my 'sharp tongue' comes from and I'm AWARE of it, as you are.......and that right there is half the battle! My mother would tell you she doesn't have a sharp tongue at ALL, and she'd believe it. THEREIN lies the problem. Self awareness is the first step toward change. We are a work in progress and trying to undo a lifetime of dysfunction, right?

Try to be gentle with yourself, my friend. We all have demons to deal with and histories we can't re-write but that we CAN learn to put in the past, where they belong. Don't let your past affect your present or your future, because that's when it does the most damage. Check out The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. That book gave me a much better ability to focus on the now instead of on the past, and was a very worthy read.

Best of luck!

Focus on rejoicing that the past is gone and you don’t live there anymore.

Dear soul. Yes it is possible But you have to work at it. My mother was like that (mentally ill) and passed at the end of 2018 aged 106. I am 82 and have fought for my own life for that many years. It hasn't been easy and I have made some poor decisions, but I have kept moving forward and refused to be taken over by it.

I was her POA health and financial and am her executrix but did/do it at a distance so I could survive. I have cut contact with my sister also for my survival. I am looking forward to this next phase once the estate is settled and I carry no part of that burden any more.

Develop your own life, do things you want to do, make good memories. It can be done. Having a mentally ill mother is a huge challenge. You may well need the help of a therapist. I have gone for therapy off and on throughout my life and it has helped. Do what you need to for yourself. (((((hugs)))))

The past is the past. The future is what you make of it. If you dwell in the past it will be your future.

Wow.

Yes, yes, yes and yes.

You are beyond kind to do a scrapbook for your mom. I wouldn't even attempt one. For one thing, there are very few photos in existence and I couldn't fill a single book.

My only saving grace was finding a good psychiatrist 24 years ago, and several good therapists along the way. Only by going through EMDR did I finally begin to find peace in my heart and head.

To find yourself sick is to be half way cured. (Sorry for botching that phrase).

It IS easier to slide into the depression/anxiety/self hate that comes with having a parent who just, well, seems to hate me. I know now she was simply incredibly jealous b/c she felt I was daddy's favorite kid. Maybe I was, but that's not my FAULT...it was actually a necessary balance b/c she was very passive aggressive (still is) in her attitude towards me.

If making these scrapbooks bring you joy--by all means, make them. I have done SO MUCH for my mother in the sick hope I'd gain her approval--I no longer do that.
Ricky is right. The past is the past. I refuse to live there.

I have 5 kids who love me, 5 inlaw kids who love me and 14 grands who adore me, so God has more than compensated me for the lack of a loving mother.

I can relate. I hope that your project will help you feel better. It sounds like something that I would do for my mother to help cheer her as she’s always miserable. She suffers from mental illness for which she has refused treatment for most of life. So, we suffer. She might pretend to like it, but she doesn’t have one sentimental bone in her body.

I have been struggling a lot over the course of this last year, as I finally saw the extent of my LO’s cruelty, both now and many years ago. I read a lot and am trying to stay positive. I will not allow her to diminish me. No way. The way I’m dealing now is to show her pity and help others. The more I help others in need, the better I feel. I know that my kindness is stronger than her meanness.

I am amazed at how many adult children had parents who were very unfair, negligent or abusive. Mine, was however a super star to most. Few saw behind the curtain.

MB
My mother is 93 in a Memory Unit. I ended up being her court appointed Guardian, POA and Trustee. One of my brothers hasn't made contact with her in about 9 yrs and the other one goes maybe once every month or two. Mom has late stage Alzheimer's and doesn't recognize any of us anymore, or remember my deceased father. I have sad memories from my childhood, Mom was not a maternal caring type of person. At one time she was an alcoholic and suffered from mental illness. I hardly felt she really loved me. But, I have managed thru therapy to see her now as a broken soul, like a small defenseless bird. I know she had a abusive background with her parents, along with a sex assault history. As a retired social worker, I have learned to develop compassion for her, and not blame her for everything in my life that's feels wrong. Not being able to remember the past or think of the future, she lives in the moment. I think God "blessed" her with Alzheimer so she wouldn't suffer with painful memories as she goes older.
I has take me a long time in my life to move myself forward. At times, I still have a teary session when I think of certain past events, hear some songs that bring back memories. That's ok. Tears are healing and comforting. Allow yourself a good session once in awhile. I hope you can find a place of peace for you.

Bad memories make more of an impact and therefore are most lasting than good memories. Any tendency toward mental illness, depression or anxiety just accentuates this. Since my mother is overwhelmingly negative, and constantly dwells on the past, I have reinforcement of everything negative. Once when I was trying desperately to reframe thoughts in a more "neutral", if not positive, way I thought I would try to help her do the same. After a couple of days of suggesting different ways to look at things, she angrily screamed "You are disagreeing with everything I say!". If you want happy memories work at what you do now. Today will be tomorrow's memories. As far as the past, perhaps when you can remember something positive write it down so it will be there at a time when you are having difficulty remembering anything positive.

This is pretty simplistic and may not work all the time or for everyone but this is what ive done.

when i realize that im thinking something sad or bad i say “STOP IT !!!“ very severely to myself. I also blink or move my arm or leg.

this does take awhile since ive usually been remembering something for a minute or so before i realize it.

it seems sometimes that i dont have any good memories. I seem to think of all the things i could have done or should have done. But saying stop it and moving in some way has cut back a lot from what i used to do.

Yes, there is! I was abused as a child and thought I could never give up the bad memories. Also went through other tough times, failed marriage, handicapped child, became handicapped myself.
What I had to do to break the tendencies of which you speak was to forgive myself first for my feelings. Then I worked on forgiving other family members. Now I say to myself....these events had nothing to do with me as a person. The events happened in the past because of the mental and emotional problems of others. They did the best they could but never got the help they needed and so people were hurt by their actions. My job is to take care of myself and my own emotional and mental health. I see a shrink and a psychologist and have for many years. You are worth that investment! Remember or ponder qualities you have and actions you have take in your life that make you feel good about yourself. It is a long hard road but it is our work and our life. I am here for you MBfoster!