How do you deal with questions of why? We answer, then 2 days later repeating.

Abf1202, there's some good advice in the responses here. Be sure to read them all. Two things that I would add are that, one, I have learned to temper my own frustration with the knowledge that "it's the disease speaking." My wife, though she's a god-send with the help she provides with both my parents who have Alzheimer's, does not get this and still takes everything they say and do very personally. This makes it very frustrating for her. Knowing it's just the disease speaking allows me to let the questions and comments flow off me like water on a duck's back; even when it is for the umpteenth time. Get your responses consistent and then just repeat them every time the questions are asked and the comments are made. Don't let it get personal.

Two, in getting my responses down, I have learned about "therapeutic lies." My parents were driving even after their doctor told them (and the DMV) to stop. They did not stop. So I had to get rid of both vehicles. That required some therapeutic lies about the mechanical soundness of the vehicles, and continues to require therapeutic lies every time they ask where their vehicles are.

Now they still think they can still drive and regularly threaten to buy another car even though neither have a driver's license. But they think that they can go to the DMV and get another one. They also frequently threaten to buy a house and move out of the AL and Memory Care facility where they live. They have actually had realtors come to their AL apartment to talk with them. They can afford to purchase both a vehicle and a home. But I can't reason with them. They don't believe that they are unable to pass the driving test and renew their expired licenses. They don't believe that they are unable to care for themselves living alone. So I tell them partial truths, sometimes made up truths, that they can understand and do believe.

For example, I tell them that if they have an accident driving with their diagnosis, they will be sued and lose their sizable estate that pays for their very expensive care. Maybe this is true. I'm not sure. But the response works in the moment. I just have to repeat it when it comes up again the next moment. And sometimes it eventually sticks. When they talk about buying a home and moving out, I tell them that my father's pain management doctor will no longer prescribe the large amount of narcotics for his chronic back pain. This is partially true. He would require the meds to be locked up and only in-home care to dispense them. But it's easier to just say that Dad can't have his medicine if they move out. Mom's response is now frequently, "Ah that's right, Pop's meds are the problem."

I hope that the responses here give you helpful and fruitful ideas to manage your father. Know also that you are not alone, nor are you experiencing anything that others haven't already faced. We're here to help and support.


-S

I have so much to learn still on this - waiting for drs and testing - what are stroke affects vs dementia. I have so much to learn here from you all of it is dementia.

He wants to live by himself  - Sorry Dad there isn't anything available right now.  Where do you want to live? Don't you like it here?

Why can I not wear Levis? - Elastic waist jeans - Dad these are the new style Levis. Don't you like these pants?

Why can I not wear underwear? - These are your underwear (Don't ever refer to them as anything else)

Why can I not go to a motel by myself? - Why do you want to?  It's the busy season and nothing is available.  Where would you eat?

Be creative with your answers, by asking him questions you may understand where the questions are coming from?

And etc. He does not like our answers.

If you are only repeating the answers every two days consider yourself lucky! I answer the same questions every few minutes. But the way I get through it is to have some very benign, canned answers for the questions and I present them as absolutes. Such as "Why can't I wear Levi's?" Answer "These are your pants. They are easy to get in/out of and wash easily." End of answer. Don't try to reason with him, just state the facts. Keep repeating your answer. Don't even try to convince him that he can't wear Levi's, just let him know what he is wearing. You aren't being rude because he doesn't remember the answer from the last time you said it. Pretty soon you'll be able to run on auto-pilot. If you try to reason with him both of you will be frustrated. It's nicer to just answer with a pleasant statement and then move on.

If “he” has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s/dementia, he cannot remember or even more important make use of “being told“ because his brain is constantly losing its ability to work.

He may also be losing the ability to generate meaningful and/or appropriate questions, so your answers may be frustrating him because what YOU say in answer may not correspond, as he hears it, to what you think HE ASKED.

Is he refusing to wear disposable underwear? Take away his cloth underwear and leave him with only disposables.
Same thing with Jeans- remove all jeans with buttons or zippers, leave him with elastic waist jeans. There are some very nice styles available.

Motel? “Dad I need you here. You promised me you’d.........”.

Arguing will typically result in making you feel worse and having no lasting impact on him. Say what you can that will result in some peace for him and for you.

Your goals ongoing are to keep him as safe and as at peace as you are able to. You may well find that you will begin to notice that he will not like anything you do.
Prepare for that time by considering small doses of soothing medications, researching full time residential care/in-home caregivers, adult daycare.

You are entering a situation in which you will be finding that you must choose the best solution among a group of bad solutions. This is an inevitable aspect of dementia care.

Make your decisions with love and respect for him, and be gentle and take good care of yourselves.