I met Debbie about 6 months ago. She was being abused by a childhood friend who was living in her home and stealing from her.
She is only 62 but you couldn't tell by looking at her or her mobility issues.
My husband and I took a liking to her and would visit and bring food occasionally so when she asked us to move in to look out for her we quickly agreed unaware of what we were getting ourselves into.
We're a young newly wed couple. I'm 25 he's 33. We are also expecting our first child (I'm about to pop in 3 weeks) and we felt it would be "easy" to just add Debbie to the list of responsibilities and save some money along the way.
Upon moving in we realized this was NOT the case at all. We gave up our privacy and freedom as we quickly fell into this role of 24 hr caregiving.
I mean it never ended! To the point the lady would knock on our door at 3am for simple necessities that could've obviously waited for better timing. Multiple trips to the store with a list of 3 to 4 things that had SUCH URGENCY! Cleaning after 2 big dogs which weren't ours not to mention the cleaning of fecies and urine on a daily basis.
The sad part is Debbie isn't that old but her health is declining in ways that it shouldn't be at 62. She has no children and most of her family is deceased. We've tried to help in all ways possible from buying her crafts, clothes that fit, making sure she has all her meds and food she likes all to go unappreciated and swept under the rug when a new idea hits her brain.
After living with her for 6 months now we discovered she has a horrible drinking problem coupled with substance abuse.
The woman get a nice SS check each month for it to be gone in a week and then she depends on us financially for her alcohol and household needs.
It's starting to put a strain on our relationship as we have no private time anymore plus we debate over how to fix the problems with her. He wants to just shut her up and keep her in her room by giving her what she wants and I prefer to try to do healthy things like limiting her alcohol and setting boundaries and creating a schedule for her.
The problem is she has friends who stop by who will give her illegal drugs and who knows what else and she then gets so inebriated I end up having to pick her up off the floor or clean the house as she will have accidents and not even realize it or laugh about it. (I'm 9 months pregnant mind you)
I cook, I clean, take care of her dogs, manage her bills, take her to the dr, pick her meds, and entertain as much as I can but lately due to the pregnancy I've been in pain and trying to take care of myself only to be snapped at for what I don't do.
I'm starting to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. I'm having feelings of anger and spite towards her as she isn't even my family or related to me and I do more for her than my own grandmother (whose 70 yrs old and is starting to decline as well) although she does live states away.
I have this burning agitation and frustration with her and I can't figure out if its the substance abuse or if she really is losing her mind. I've recently just stopped. I go to the store on a certain day and ignore her to a T.
Where my husband works long days doing house restoration I'm home a lot stuck with her and its making me have crazy thoughts or anger but also I feel bad. It's a sad situation and now upon us saving enough to move since we are expecting a baby I worry as she doesn't have anyone else.
I've been robbed of my nesting time and just enjoying being pregnant and getting everything in order as she's so demanding and rude and slick at the mouth.
I've also been robbed of this last little time with my husband before we have a child to take care of (this is our first child) and the romance is gone.
I don't know what to do anymore as everything this woman does is a health hazard and I worry about mine and babies health as the incontinence is outta control and she smokes in house.
Any kind advice for young new caregiver?
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Ive actually booked and airbnb for a month just in case when baby is born. I can't even fathom coming back here with my sweet baby.
And move. Right now!!!!!
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You need to move out before you have your baby. DCS would take your child if there is a drug bust in the house. They don't believe that anyone would willingly stay in that situation unless they were using dope and that means lots of charges from child endangerment to drug charges for you.
Not to mention I'm just know with the smoking my child would stay sick.
I still have a few weeks and hopefully this landlord comes into town to give us our keys. This covid 19 stuff has everything messed up where I am. If not I will be going up north with my mother and I refuse to have my baby here.
Oo-er. The kind part is not so easy.
If only it were as easy as magically transforming the life and household routines of a 62 year old woman who drinks to excess, consumes illegal drugs, and is willing to invite to live in her home two young people she doesn't know from Bonnie and Clyde.
You and your husband, on the slightest acquaintance, decided you could rescue this manifestly not-ok, and not old, person. How could you have known she wasn't the full ticket? Because the little you DID know about her was that she is physically in a state twenty years older than she is chronologically, and that she makes terrible decisions such as inviting her childhood friend to manage her money for her. Given that that was all you did know about her, how were you still thinking what could possibly go wrong?
Well, we "live and learn, but none the wiser grow..."
Pack, leave, and alert APS to her living conditions.
I don't know whether this is kind or not, but I think it is necessary: in future, don't kid yourself. You and your husband moved in because it appeared to be a convenient and economical housing option for you; the humanitarian angle was just a bonus that made you feel good about it. Don't spin this experience to yourself as one where you were taken advantage of by a mad old witch. I think all three of you, not to mention Junior to come, are getting off lightly; the situation could have got a lot worse and a lot harder to recover from.
We had nothing but good intentions and seen her being treated badly and inhumane. Thinking all parties could have benefited from the living arrangement however its fallen on me the worst and is the most toxic on me.
I work from home even before covid and considered it would be good for her to have someone here with her as well making sure she has what she needs.
No one is being taken advantaged of however no one is winning either.
I felt I needed an outside look on things since I know nothing about caregiving and decided to vent here for knowledge on the situation .... I can't account for her bad decisions only mine and I'm definitely feeling these effects everyday.
Lesson learned for sure!
It just all went to hell and now the light is at the end of the tunnel I don't want to just leave her with no one.
Its bad enough she has no family hell neither do I really so in that sense I have a heart for her but I'm leaving and never looking back regardless.
Thanks for your response.
You wrote:
"we debate over how to fix the problems with her. He wants to just shut her up and keep her in her room by giving her what she wants and I prefer to try to do healthy things like limiting her alcohol and setting boundaries and creating a schedule for her."
Keeping a vulnerable elder in her room, buying alcohol to shut her up is elder abuse. Those are the facts.
You say she has declined. Whether a dementia, drugs, or alcohol is the cause, she needs more care than one person can provide. The fact that you are so young and inexperienced is understandable, but you need to quit caregiving Debbie now. Give one week's notice on the caregiving issue only. Once Debbie finds out this is not working out, she may take the lead on the housing issue.
You can find her a new caregiver by contacting an agency on her behalf. All this takes time and you do not have any more time. It would be easy to explain that due to the baby's arrival, you need to stop being the caregiver. Not mentioning moving out yet.
You can, in order to help her, leave her on the floor in feces next time, and call 911 to pick her up, because you cannot do it pregnant. This will document her needs with the medical people who can help her. I suggest you leave now, before all that happens and you and your husband become falsely accused. (Maybe like her childhood friend before you came to live there.)
So, some immediate action is needed on your part. Hoping you will update us soon Breanna. Only you can decide which advice you want to act upon.
Remember that: NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED.
Take care. Stay safe.
I will look into everything regarding finding someone to come in and do these things. I also do refuse to pick her up and will call the emt any time she falls here on out. In the meantime we're waiting on the keys to the new place. As much as its been a struggle I still don't wanna leave her with nothing.
Thanks for your advice!
Wow. The person can't make a duplicate copy of the keys and send them FedEx? or USPS with tracking?
Breanna, let me give you a life lesson. You never NEVER pay for something you don't have your hands on. If something sounds too good to be true, it's a scam. There is no free lunch.
Go to www.bogleheads.org and read about how to manage finances and...life.
Get on the phone to your about to be landlord and tell him that you want your deposit back.
(just to note, I live in NYC, so YES, I understand about COVID; USPS and FedEx never shut down).
I swear I can't win for losing this year.
We have an agreement though if he cant get us the keys by this upcoming month ( its been about 3 weeks since we paid in full ) then we will need a money back but then its just annoying because we have to search all over again.
In the age of covid these things become harder than they already were as it was hard enough to go look at apts and find him so idk I'm losing faith but still holding on for the sake of my little baby.
Your right and I'm so afraid this guy has scammed me. I NEED my money back. Its got me in tears because Ive done all I can and saved for months for this and now that its not happening I'm so upset. Not only for me but my little family.
My husband and I are doing all we can and now this. Its all just overwhelmingly surreal.
As for her she will be reported I just need out first. They can deal.with her and her dogs. Ive done all I can do for her.
I am going to repeat Barb’s comment. There is no valid reason that the keys for the apartment have not been provided.
First, mail is moving between countries, even from overseas. Second, a locksmith can easily rekey the locks. Third, keys are provided when money changes hands. Fourth, when people travel, they do not take the keys for their rental units with them.
Why on God’s green earth would you and your fellow be willing to wait three weeks, with nothing to show for it, no cash, no apartment?
I am not sure if you are naive, unsophisticated, or so deep in the weeds you cannot objectively see the many flaws in your logic?
Problems I see in no particular order:
You are buying alcohol for Debbie.
You risk having CPS remove your child.
You are living in a toxic environment, physically, mentally and socially.
You have romanticized pregnancy.
You do not have boundaries.
You have taken on responsibility for a woman who is not a family member without any legal documents, POA’s.
You decided to stop paying rent. If there was a rental agreement you are in the wrong side of it.
Tasks:
Contact APS
Move out, ASAP.
Demand your money back from the rental. Banks are still doing wires, there is no reason this cannot be done today.
If you really want this particular rental, why I do not know, the landlord has already shown they are not reliable, insist a locksmith change the locks and provide keys today.
Good Luck.
I don’t understand why this Debbie is such a priority. You’d think Debbie is her beloved mom or something, not some “friend” she’s known only 6 months. But hey, as long as Debbie gets what she needs, it’s cool.
The lovely house across from where I used to live was "rented" at least twice to folks who were told that the keys were unavailable or that they should get a locksmith to change the lock. When you exchange money, you get keys.
Please remember this for the next time you make a transaction.
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